Chapter 21: Chapter 21
Koah Harbor
POV
The last three days passed way too quickly, I was still lost in the fog of spending the last three days feeling like everything was exactly how it was nine years ago.
One minute Enzo had been standing in my doorway after we’ve spent the nine years apart and the next he was preparing to leave the country.
This morning felt harder than any other morning has been for me. I stood outside, by his car with a warm coat wrapped around me watching him put the last of his bags in the trunk of his car.
I didn’t know what to say to him, my heart didn’t want to say goodbye, it wanted to beg him to stay. But I knew I couldn’t do that. His job was important to him.
Enzo shut his trunk and turned toward me.
His eyes roamed over me as if he was trying to commit every inch of me to his memory.
The thought of him trying to remember me made my chest ache. This was as hard for him as it was for me.
"Promise me if you ever need anything, you go to Chase." he finally said. "Anything at all, it doesn’t matter what it is..." He says.
I nod. "I promise Enzo..." I knew he would need me to promise him. He was feeling as reluctant to leave as I was reluctant to let him.
His jaw tightened. "I mean it, Ko. You can message me even, I won’t always be able to respond but I’ll try to call as much as I can..." he promises.
I tried to smile. "I know, I promise to give you updates... I’ll be fine. I promise..." I was lying to him. I didn’t know if I’d be fine. I would be constantly worried about his safety knowing he’s out there risking his life everyday.
His gaze lingered on me. He didn’t call me out on my bullshit. Which honestly I appreciated. It was going to make it harder for me to say goodbye.
There was a lot we still had to talk about, a lot we had to work through. We were stuck in out own little bubble the last three days. Neither of us wanted to break it and speak about things to dampen the mood since he was leaving so soon.
I watch how his face twists in concern.
"Enzo if you look at me like that..." I whisper out.
He holds my face in his hands so gently, I lean into his touch. "I know. I’m sorry. I just can’t help but worry about you. I just found you and my mind keeps worrying that you might be a dream and when I return you’ll be gone..." He confesses.
I stare at the man who has had my heart all these years. I’ve been lying to myself. I don’t think I ever loved Austin, I think I tried to replace Enzo in my heart with Austin.
Even after everything, he still cares for me deeply.
"I’ll still be here when you return Enzo. Please stay safe out there... For me..." I didn’t want to add it but I had to. I needed him to know I’ll be thinking about him.
"I’ll be back before you know it." He tries to reassure me.
Enzo would be away for at least eight months. It wouldn’t be over before we knew it, it was going to be a painfully long eight months.
Eight months was enough for him to move on. Maybe meet someone who wasn’t as broken as I was.
I force a smile and nod. "I know..." My voice came out smaller than I intended.
His expression softened. He gave my forehead a light kiss before he let me go.
For one reckless second, I almost told him I loved him, that I never stopped loving him even for a second. I almost asked him to stay...
The words sat on the tip of my tongue. I wrapped my arms round my middle fearing if I didn’t hold myself close I jump into his arms and refuse to let go.
I watched Enzo drive off, I waved at him solemnly, feeling like my heart was in that car with him.
I couldn’t tell Enzo I loved him, when I was completely free from my past, I was still hiding from Austin. I was still technically dating Austin. The mess I’ve made of my life still hung over me. Haunting me. I didn’t even have a job right now. I couldn’t touch any of my own money right now because I was scared of Austin finding me.
I couldn’t expect anything from Enzo until until I sorted out all my shit. I had no right to drag Enzo into my shit.
I walked back to the apartment feeling heavy.
I sat down on the sofa, Remi and Draco settling in beside me. Somehow the apartment felt empty without Enzo here, when he’s only been in here for three days.
It seemed like my two children felt my mood was off and tried to comfort me. I buried my face in Remi’s fur, tears streaming down my face, I was unable to stop them.
Draco licked my face.
I hugged the two of them letting myself cry for a moment. I knew these two loved me. I sometimes felt as if I didn’t deserve their their love and trust. I didn’t do much to protect them from Austin’s abuse.
I settled into the silence that filled the apartment, it didn’t stop me from fading deep within my thoughts.
The biggest stumbling block in me moving forward was Austin. The reason I couldn’t tell Enzo how I felt. The reason I was trapped in this apartment. Fearing seeing him on the street.
I moved to the window watching the people down there live their lives the way they wanted to without a care in the world. They were free to make their own choices. I wonder if I’ll feel that way again.
I sat on my sofa the entire day unable to do anything, I just sat with my dogs lounging away. I couldn’t eat anything without feeling nauseous.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying not to think about the worst that could happen in the eight months he’d be gone. I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw Enzo.
For today I wanted nothing more than to drink away my worried, to forget about everything and to just be but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t drink alcohol because I broke out in terrible rashes whenever I tried to.
I wanted to forget about who I had become. I wasn’t the woman Enzo loved nine years ago. I was a coward constantly running away from her problems.
I didn’t let Enzo see my back the entire weekend, worried he’d hate me if he saw it. Austin would hit my back with his belt buckle, I didn’t even know what my back looked like. It was probably as hideous and I felt right now. I stopped looking at the scars in my back a year ago. I didn’t want to look at it. A part of me was terrified to know. The other part of me knew just how terrible it looked. It was an eye sore, I didn’t want Enzo to be disgusted with me. I was ugly, broken and ruined. I was damaged goods.
Tears pooled in my eyes.
I knew Enzo deserved someone who was better than me. Someone who wasn’t me. Someone beautiful. Someone who wasn’t drowning in endless darkness.
A part of me tried to convince myself, I could be good enough.
The next morning I was standing in front of Chase’s house. Before Enzo left he’d given me Chase’s address.
I don’t even know why I’m here. I just wanted to get out of the house. I was drowning in grief, I was grieving the woman Enzo once loved.
The door opened before I could knock.
Carly stood with a smile on her face. She didn’t judge me or ask me what I was doing here. She let me in.
A little girl sat on the floor with a teddy, it looked like she was trying to feed it whatever was in her hand.
"Stella, I want you to meet my friend. This is Koah..." Carly says.
The little girl drops what she was doing and walked over to Carly and I.
She smiled brightly at me. "Hello Miss Koah. I’m Stella Jacobs..." she introduces herself stretching her tiny hand out.
I’m reminded of how serious Chase was when we were younger. She looked so much like Chase it was scary.
"Hello Miss Stella. You’re very beautiful..."
She blushes. She didn’t act like her father though.
Chase wasn’t one to smile often.
The image of a five year old Chase smiling and blushing the way she had and a bubble of laughter escape from my lips before I could stop it.
Carly looked at me in surprise. I was just as surprised. "I’m sorry I just pictured a little Chase smiling the way she did and it was so unbelievable it had me laughing..." I explained.
Carly smiled. She didn’t say anything though.
Carly and I settled on the floor with Stella. She told me about all of her toys, their names and their lives, what they did for work.
I couldn’t help but think about what I was going to do. I needed some source of income. But I wasn’t going to think about that right now. I needed to think about something else for once. So I focused on Chase’s daughter, well there was a possibility of her being Carly’s daughter too. I watched the two of them playing and there were things that were similar to Carly. The way she’d use the back of her hand to pull her out of her face, the way Carly did. How both of them were left handed. The way their eyes crinkled when they laughed.
Watching the two of them play brought me a sense of comfort. Being with Stella helped me see past my mistakes, worries and fears. Children didn’t see your pasts, your mistakes, the scars your kept buried. Children only cared that you show up for them.
Looking at Stella, showed me that Chase was doing a good job with her. The little girl was surrounded by love and care.
Stella suddenly stood and launched herself at me. She wrapped her around around my neck. She was holding me tightly.
I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist. Somehow hugging Stella made me feel safe and worry free. I didn’t feel the need to look over my shoulder or worry if he would find me.
Tears threatened to fall but I swallowed them down. I wouldn’t cry in front of this little girl.
I looked up and saw Carly smiling warmly at me.
