Chapter 22: Chapter 22
Carly and I played some more with Stella until her nap time. I’ve never coloured so many pictures in my life. I also realized little kids weren’t like we were when we were kids.
Stella’s barbies were having marital issues and were getting a divorce because Ken ate all the meat and didn’t share with Barbie. I tried to keep a straight face but she was so freaking cute.
It took three stories to get her to sleep. I spent my morning without any worries about what the next terrible thing would be. I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was in Stella’s little world and if I was being honest felt divine.
The sound footsteps didn’t make me jump. I was simply living... The realization brought tears to my eyes.
Watching Stella play all morning, reminded me of my own childhood, how much my parents loved me, how much of their own lives they’d given up so I could have.
My father’s hotel and malls, started from a small motel her bought and then it was three motels and then it was a run down hotel and from there he built the empire he had today.
It was the reason I couldn’t let it fall into Austin’s hands. My parents built that from the ground up, it wasn’t ever supposed to land in Austin’s hands.
I remember my father stating in his will. He made sure he had executives who could take care of the business in my steed if anything happened to him. He didn’t want me to get my hands on any of the assets unless I was married.
The letter brought tears to my numb heart, it showed how much my parents loved me. How they were trying to protect me even in death.
A simple accident took both of my parents from me. The fact that I haven’t even grieved my parents. Today the grief hit harder and more painful than usual.
Because I suddenly realized how disappointed they’d be in me if they knew just how long I stayed with Austin even though they raised me as a fighter. How much I hid and endured without them knowing. How I let Austin destroy their daughter.
Carly and I had lunch together in the living room. In the quiet.
For a while, neither of us spoke we ate in silence. It was the first time since yesterday morning I’ve eaten something. The whole in my stomach was hard to ignore.
Carly looked at me once we were done eating, she was studying me.
"I feel terrible..." I tell her.
"What’s going on? I thought Chase found Enzo for you?" she asks.
"That’s exactly the problem. I found Enzo and I’m feeling everything about the past. I feel ashamed of the woman I’ve become Carly. I feel like a fraud. I feel like someone playing dress up and pretending everything is alright when it’s not. Enzo left yesterday morning. And I fear for him, I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how I really felt about him.
I feel unworthy of his love, I’m not the woman he loved nine years ago. I am being a coward Carly..." I breathe out.
Carly sighs. "Koah you’re still the same person Enzo loved. She’s just hiden within you right now. You just have to find her again..." she says.
"How? How do I find her? I can’t even feel a piece of her right now..." Tears fall from my eyes.
Carly reached out and squeezed my hand. "Koah. You’ll find her you just have to give yourself time. You can’t rush healing. Once this mess with Austin is sorted you’ll start feeling like yourself I know it..." She says softly.
"That doesn’t mean I’m worthy of Enzo, even if I heal. There are some scars that don’t heal. I’m ugly. I’m not as beautiful as I was nine years ago. I look in the mirror and all I feel is disgust..." I admit looking down at our joined hands.
"Koah..." Carly calls out.
I looked up.
"You’re not ugly. We all have scars, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have any..." Carly says lifting her shirt over her hand and turned her back to me. And I saw nasty burn marks on her back. "These are from my accident. I’ve got many scars. I’ve learnt to live with them. They’re a part of me, they tell a story of what I went through and how I’ve come out stronger..." she says pulling the shirt back on.
The words hit harder than I expected it to. I look away from her closing my eyes as more tears fell.
"Austin spent years reprograming your brain into thinking you’re not good enough, that he was doing you a favour by staying with you, but none of that is true Koah. He might be in New York now, but you’re letting him live rent free in your head. You need to let him go..."
"But how?" I ask.
"You need help learning that Koah..." Her voice softened. "A therapist would help."
I wanted to say I didn’t need it but Carly raised her hand to stop me from arguing.
"I saw a therapist after my accident to help me deal with everything that happened to me and not know how I was. He helped me realized that I could build a life with or without those memories. Though therapist isn’t a one time fix, I still have my moments when I feel empty when I wonder if I’ll ever feel whole again. But Therapy does help Koah..."
This time I didn’t argue because I thought she was right. I needed help.
"You survived something terrible Koah, you don’t see it yet but you’ll be stronger than you were when you got into that relationship." She squeezed my hand again.
A bubble of laughter escaped me, tears still in my eyes. "God I hoped so. Right now it felt like my life was falling a part."
Carly smiles. "I’ll be here if you ever need me Koah, no judgement, I’ll listen to anything you tell me quietly and patiently. I know how much that could mean to someone who needs and ear..."
I wiped my tears. "Thank you... So tell me about you. Have you gotten the results yet?"I ask her.
She shakes her head. "No, and I’ve been avoiding trying to think about it for the last couple of days, trying to focus on Stella. But every time I look at her, I look for traces of myself in her, hoping that she was my daughter..." she confesses.
"There are parts and pieces of you I see in Stella. Honestly Stella is an amazing little girl..." I admit.
Her face brightens up like a light bulb. She nods agreeing with me. "Chase did a good job with her..." She says with a bright smile. She smile dims. "I’ve been avoiding returning Amy’s calls. She’s been calling me constantly. But I don’t want to talk to her until after I got the results. I don’t know why, but my instincts are screaming at me to wait..." She confesses.
"I’ve met her, she seems forceful something about her set me on edge, the same way Austin did. So I lied to her about my name. If your instincts are telling you to wait, then wait. You don’t need to force yourself..." I tell her.
She nods. We talked for over an hour about just about anything and everything
And by the time Stella woke up, both Carly and I were feeling lighter.
I was still playing with Stella and Carly when Chase returned that evening.
Chase offered me a place at the dinner table. It felt rude to say no so I stayed.
I sat beside Carly, while Chase and Stella sat across from us.
I couldn’t help but notice how they looked like a real family together.
Dinner was surprisingly normal, Stella filled her father in about her day, how her barbies were going through a rough patch.
The look on Chase’s face made me and Carly laugh.
I couldn’t stop laughing.
When dinner ended, Chase made an announcement pulled me aside into his office.
"Koah Enzo and I spoke before he left, we decided I was going to look for a different apartment. We don’t want you staying at that apartment."
I blinked in surprise. "What? Why?"
"It’s not secure Koah. Soon I’m going to launch an attack on Austin and Enzo and I were worried he might find you. You need an apartment with better security..." He tells me.
I opened my mouth to argue.
He cut me off.
"I already found you another place." He says with finality. Like he wouldn’t listen to my argument, even if I tried.
I stared at Chase. He was older than Enzo and I and he always made sure we knew that.
"Chase, how could you do this without speaking to me about it?" I asked.
"I spoke to Enzo..."
The matter-of-fact way he said it made me laugh. Like Enzo and I were one person. "But Enzo and I aren’t one person..." I remind him.
"We’ll he phoned me in the middle of the night to say he wanted you in a better apartment. He’s already made up his mind, plus you don’t want him worrying about you while he’s out there do you?"
I stared at Chase blankly. He knew I’d give in if he said he was doing it for Enzo’s well being. He knew I’d jump when he said that. And honestly I was a little annoyed because I knew I didn’t really feel safe in that apartment. With every sound and alert to Austin being closer to finding me.
"I had someone bring your dogs over they’re being fed in the back yard..." He drops another bomb and I blinked, thinking I was summoned to an alternate universe.
I was speechless, completely and utterly speechless.
I felt foreign receiving help without someone expecting any help in return, without any terms and conditions, without it being a way to manipulate me, without it being a way to control me. I knew Chase was doing this because he cared about me. Because he knew what Enzo needed to keep his head in the game. To not have to worry about me while he was out there risking his life every day for the next eight months.
I felt like I was going to cry again. Chase could probably see that too. He hugged me tightly. Kissing the top of my head.
"You know you’re like a little sister to me..." He says softly.
"And you’re like a little brother I never had..." I say sniffing. I missed this. I missed how welcomed and loved I always felt around Chase.
I found myself not dreading the future anymore. I was looking forward to what was to come.
