Chunhua's eyes fluttered open, slow and steady. The buzz of electronic machines hovered in her ears and a white ceiling greeted her upon her first sight. She felt as though she slept like a baby but also not at the same time. Turning over to the side, she found her husband on a chair beside her, his eyes holding the same brooding look. She didn't know the unbound questions his gaze held, but it was the only time he didn't smile.
"What are you thinking about?"
He stirred and glanced at the bedside. "Chunhua."
A smile then formed on his once neutral lips and he gazed back at the subject of his intense gaze.
"I am thinking how beautiful our son is."
Their newborn son lay in the crib peacefully, already dozed off in the dreamy world and cozily wrapped inside a soft blanket.
A smile overwhelmed her, countless mixed emotions swelling within her chest. At times, he would furrow his tiny brows or part his lips for the most adorable yawn ever.
"Yes, he is beautiful. I have a feeling he will grow up to look just like you. Handsome, charming and just a little evil."
He smiled. "A little evil? I think I am a whole lot more evil than that."
Hai leaned over the crib and gently picked his son in his arms. He stared at his tiny features for a long moment, eventually nestling him by Chunhua's chest. He drew the chair closer to the bed, gazing at the mother and son.
"I caused you a lot of trouble, didn't I? A child wasn't in your life plan so soon. I am sorry. And…thank you for giving birth to him."
A sharp, stinging ache filled his eyes. He knew it wasn't really the right approach to marry Chunhua, causing a plethora of problems with her pregnancy while she was still studying in college. He wasn't a stranger to all the criticism and judgment she faced in college. Yet despite the difficulties and roadblocks a pregnancy posed in the way of her dreams, she never once thought to abandon their child but instead walked with them together.
He rested his chin on the bed, tickling his son's foot through the blanket.
"Women are such a powerhouse."
She softly flicked his forehead. "I wouldn't have come this far without you. It's both of us."
He smiled. "So he will be a super powerhouse then."
"Without a doubt."
Chunhua studied the brooding light in his black irises that cast a fog over his eyes once again.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Chunhua."
"Hm?"
"Let's…name him Jinhai."
At that moment, Chunhua felt like she was back in the professor's office in college, answering the cop's pointing questions about Liu Jinhai's death. The moment when everything had clicked for her like missing pieces of puzzle falling back to their place. Today wasn't anything different.
He was thinking about his name this whole time…
It wasn't that they hadn't talked about choosing names before, but every single time, Hai hadn't really committed to one. They never reached a finality towards that discussion, and she wondered if he was just being a little picky about it. But now as she watched the light shift in his eyes, his wait, his indecision dawned upon her as if she had never felt so clear before.
She personally couldn't pinpoint how she felt about it, so she asked, "Why do you want to name him Jinhai?"
"I think it's a good name."
She didn't respond.
"Chunhua. Do you think I am a strong man?"
"Yes," she didn't hesitate.
"I don't think so. I think I am a weak man. I keep running away from the red that surrounds me, and I don't like it. It makes me feel as if I did something wrong to feel guilty about. But I know I did the right thing. Cruel, but right. I don't want to run away anymore."
Her lashes trembled faintly. "It's a name that has given you nightmares, Hai. Still does."
"And now I want that name to become my salvation."
Silence.
She then whispered. "It's easier to slip back into the past rather than walking forward in the future."
"I know."
"He is our son, not your brother."
"I know."
Her eyes ached. "It would kill me if you ever begin to hate our son because…of a name. A name which we can decide whatever it has to be."
His gaze moved to meet her eyes, laced with worry, unease and a very distinct fear. He reached out to hold her face, his thumb softly caressing her cheek.
"I will never hate our son for whom you have sacrificed so much to give birth to. He has come out of love, not a nightmare. I will never, ever hate him. It's simply impossible."
She faintly bit down on her lower lip once, tears washing down the side of her eyes and eyes. The tip of her nose turned reddish as she sniffled.
"You promise me?"
"I promise you."
"You will always love him?"
"I promise."
"You will see him as our son, not a…ghost of the past?"
"I promise."
"You promise me that y-you won't leave my side?"
His eyes slightly widened in surprise. "Why would this question even occur to you?"
"Because I don't know what you think at times, Hai. I don't intrude upon your personal space, and I don't mind it if you want to keep some things to yourself. But sometimes…I feel as if you are walking farther and farther away from me. I try to reach you, but you never turn to look at me."
He jumped on his feet faster than lightning and pressed her head against his chest. His arms wrapped around her back, firm and unshaken.
"I am sorry if I made you feel that way, Chunhua…" a tear slipped down his cheek, "I am really so sorry. But trust me, I will never leave your side, neither our son's. You are mine and I am yours, and that's something that would never ever change. I will fucking burn down the whole world if anyone even dreams of taking you away from me."
He dipped his head and pressed his lips against hers in a fierce kiss until she was left breathless.
"I love you, Chunhua. I love our son too. Liu Jinhai's identity will be Liu Chunhua and Liu Hai's son."
A bright smile shone through her mistiness, and she held his face too, wiping the tear off his cheek.
"Mhm. He is our son, Liu Jinhai. Always is and always will be."
