Liu Liyan had known for a long time.
She remembered the day as if it was just yesterday when she had walked into the hospital ward. A ten-year old Hai, thin and bony, lay awake in bed, leaning against its frame and staring ahead with the most aloof light she had ever witnessed in his eyes.
Aloof. Empty. But utterly vindictive all the same.
He hadn't said a word of what had happened between him and Jinhai. He had embraced complete silence about it, not breaking it even with his mother's plea. He had simply smiled at her.
'I am fine now, Mom.'
He wasn't. Hai was the farthest away from being fine, yet the smile never betrayed him. In retrospect now Liu Liyan realized how it was after that day since his demeanor grew more cheerful. Playful, unbothered and rebellious.
But she hadn't forgotten. Neither did Hai. Behind the sound of his laughter echoed the faint ring of distant footsteps of the grim future to follow. She felt it in her very bones. So she had tried her hardest to steer her family out of its path.
But some things were carved in blood by fate itself - bound to happen and impossible to escape from. That was the day when her eldest son met his death. When the news reached her ears, the stuck thorn in her throat seemed to disappear at last. The inkling of the inevitable future that had been stabbing her all this time had morphed into reality, and she could do nothing about it.
Just like how she could do nothing tonight either.
"Ma."
Liu Liyan opened her eyes, slow and tired. Her gaze still remained transfixed at the dining table where everyone used to eat and talk together in some faraway past she didn't much remember about anymore. The early morning silence was too quiet to feel still and calm.
"He is…gone, isn't he?"
There wasn't a response from Hai for a long time, but she heard him dragging the empty chair beside her. He caught hold of her hand which was clasped with her other upon her lap.
"Do you hate me, Ma? You must hate me so much. You lost your son and now..you are a widow. I am the bad wolf who ate everyone and everything."
Liu Liyan exhaled a breath, very slowly, almost dragging it till its end. The other thorn in her throat which she couldn't swallow down had finally…disappeared as well. But the thorns had already done their damage, bleeding her from the place they kept piercing at, so the tears that fell from her eyes were inevitable.
She turned to face Hai, peering into his deep black irises which contained…nothing. It was like a blank canvas. Neither the color of joy splashed across it, nor relief, nor the color of satisfaction. Satisfaction that he had finally attained the promise a ten-year old had made to his adult self in that hospital ward.
Her trembling hands reached out to hold his face. "I am sorry Hai…" her tears that once fell continued like an onslaught of endless rain.
"I am sorry I couldn't protect you. I failed…as a mother. I…I was supposed to hold everything together, but…" her glassy gaze turned vacant, "where did we lose? Where and why…did things go so wrong for us? Why…why…" words proved to be difficult to escape through her choked voice, "did our family become like this?"
Her hands holding his face dropped in defeat and so did her head lower in shame and grief. Beyond no doubt her husband and elder son were difficult people to deal with, nevertheless she felt torn apart. She stood by Hai, but that didn't mean it was easy to forego being a wife and mother. Their future was inevitable, yet it hurt immeasurably beyond repair.
Her dropped hands found their place back into Hai's grasp, which felt too cold to be comfortable.
"Who knows? We are how we are. We can hope for a change, but sometimes…things reach beyond that threshold. Hope isn't always the answer."
"Sorry…Hai…" she broke down, unable to whisper anything else. For what Hai had gone through and for what he was forced to do, she couldn't imagine being in his place. The gong of liberation resounded in the air but stenched with the smell of blood - his own family's blood.
She looked up, a wry smile tugging her lips. "Where is my wine?"
His gaze never left hers as he bent towards her. "Why would I give you wine, Ma?"
"Because I failed as a mother. I am at fault. It's all upon me. A wife is supposed to hold her family together. If I could have done something before, then…" she trembled, "I could have saved you. Saved everyone."
He smiled. "You did do your best. I watched you all this time, but some things are beyond saving. It's not just upon the wife to hold everything together, Ma. You are being too harsh on yourself. You cannot shoulder it all alone. As for me, you have already saved me. You knew everything, yet you didn't breathe a word of anything."
Her lips quivered in the dim light and warm tears plopped down on her dress. She felt his cold fingers squeeze hers firmer.
"It's over, Ma. We will be happy now. You, me, Chunhua, your grandchild, Liling and Guiren."
She looked away, faintly displeased. "I haven't accepted them yet. You two siblings went against my choice. Don't force things down my mouth."
"You will come to love them eventually," he chuckled, making her glare.
Hai held her face which still sent glares along his way, but he wiped the tears from her cheeks and pulled her against his chest.
"The next time you cry will be happy tears from holding your grandchild in your arms~ Sooooo smile."
—
Guiren sat beside Liling on the couch, who was trying to hide her tears with all her might.
"Don't feel like sleeping?"
Liling clenched her dress. "Mh-Mhmm…"
Silence.
"Dad…passed away."
He stayed quiet at first, then stretched his arm around her neck, pulling her against his chest. "I am sorry."
She bit down on her trembling lip. She was well aware that he probably knew all along, but she didn't ask. Ignorance was bliss at times.
"I will miss him."
"Mhm. He was lacking in many things, but he was still your father. Just like how Liu Jinhai was your brother. It's fine to miss them and cry for them. They were still your family."
Liling broke down, her quiet sobs hovering in the night's silence with pain and grief. But this time she wasn't alone, like her past little self hugging herself in a dark room, afraid and helpless. First, it was her brother's shoulder she cried upon and now…
It was her husband's.
—
Hai opened the door just a little and peeked inside. Seeing Chunhua sleeping, he tiptoed inside and climbed upon the bed, all nice and slow and quiet. He exhaled a breath of relief, celebrating his successful mission.
Gently and soundlessly, he wrapped his arm around her back - only for his palm to gleam crimson. A crimson that was darker, heavier and deeper than before. A crimson that coated every nook and cranny and crevice of his palm. His lashes trembled, his eyes losing its sheen. He closed and opened his fist, but the crimson only seemed to trickle down further.
It was then when a head snuggled against his chest that his attention finally lifted from the red and towards his sleeping wife - apparently. Her arm slipped under his, hugging him back just like he did.
"Hai. I had a dream," she looked up.
"Chunhuaaaa~" he grinned, albeit nervously.
Damn it, she was awake?
"Oh, oh, what dream?"
She smiled softly. "I think we will have a son. I believe we will have two sons. In it, you and the younger one were wrestling and fighting for food. The older one was beside me, and we were face-palming at you two. Mom and Liling were shouting at you to calm down. Chen Guiren was reading his book. I think they will have a son too. We were all in a new house."
He shone. "Cooool! That's such an awesome dream~!"
"Yes. It's a good dream. Hai."
"Hm?"
"Our son will be born soon. Shall we move to a new house?"
He stared.
"I am not an architect yet, but when I become one, I will build our new home for us. For a new beginning. Until that day, I will study and work hard. I will build a big home for us where everyone will laugh."
Light rushed back into the once hollow emptiness of his eyes. Instead of the red, his wife shone the brightest amidst the darkness he stood, blossoming the most beautiful smile on his lips.
"Yeah, let's do that. Let's…move out from here. With our son in a new home which my Goddess will build. Yeah, let's do that Chunhua."
