Chapter 87: I Hate Comedy!!!
Inside the tutorial chamber, purple light began gathering around Nobody.
The familiar notification appeared.
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[TUTORIAL STAGE 7 LOADING]
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𝙻𝙾𝙰𝙳𝙸𝙽𝙶...
▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░ 55%
▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ 100%
Complete.
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[STAGE 7 READY]
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Nobody stared at the screen. Then slowly looked toward Ren. "Ren..."
"Hm?"
"I suddenly don’t want to go."
Ren smiled. "Too late."
Nobody sighed dramatically. "Well. If I die, tell history I was handsome. Don’t tell them I was a slenderman."
Ren laughed. Then casually said something that made Nobody freeze. "Don’t worry. Blossom and I are coming too."
Nobody blinked. "...What?"
Ren pointed at himself. "You heard me right."
Nobody pointed back. "You?"
"Yes."
Nobody said while raising his eyebrow,"You are actually leaving the chamber? The rabbit himself?"
"Yes."
Nobody stared for several seconds. Then looked at Blossom. Then looked at Ren. Then back at Blossom. "This feels illegal."
"It isn’t. We’re just going watch you fight.
"This feels suspicious."
"It isn’t."
"This definitely feels suspicious."
Ren simply smiled. Which somehow made it even more suspicious.
Purple particles suddenly surrounded all three.
FLASH.
The next moment....
Nobody landed somewhere completely different. His eyes widened. "...Huh?"
It wasn’t a dungeon, wasn’t a desert, wasn’t a forest. It wasn’t a hellish poison castle.
It was... A wrestling arena. A gigantic wrestling arena. Bright lights illuminated everything. Colorful banners hung from the ceiling. A massive wrestling ring stood in the center. And somehow despite there being no one present, crowd noises echoed everywhere.
CHEEEEEER!
WOOOOOOO!
YEAHHHHHH!
Nobody slowly turned around. "What The Hell!
Ren and Blossom weren’t beside him. Instead, they were sitting comfortably in the audience section. Ren even had popcorn.
Nobody pointed immediately. "WHY DO YOU HAVE POPCORN?!"
Ren shrugged. "I found it."
"WHERE?!"
"I don’t know."
Nobody looked ready to commit crimes.
Meanwhile Blossom was already eating some. "Atta!"
"Traitors..Both of you."
Suddenly....
the system appeared.
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[STAGE 7 COMMENCING]
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[ Opponent Identified ]
Muscle Bob
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Class: Unique
Threat Level: ????
Skills:
Gag Punch
• Spinning Strike
• Duet BAM!
• Laughing Kick
Description:
An unpredictable combat entity. Operates using cartoon logic. Conventional battle reasoning may not apply.
Warning:
User sanity not guaranteed.
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Nobody stared at the screen. Then read it again. "..." Then a third time. "...What’s with these goofy skills?"
The system remained silent. Which wasn’t reassuring at all.
Nobody slowly looked around. "What does my opponent even look like?"
The arena lights suddenly dimmed. Then SPOTLIGHTS activated.
FWOOOOSH!
Music started playing. The crowd erupted.
CHEEEEEEEEEER!
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
Nobody slowly turned toward the entrance tunnel. Something was coming.
A figure emerged from the darkness.
At first Nobody couldn’t process what he was seeing. Then he processed it. Then immediately wished he hadn’t.
A giant kangaroo walked out. It had cartoon-like textures. Cartoon eyes, proportions. Cartoon movements. Bright red boxing gloves. A pair of shorts. And written across the shorts in giant letters ’BOB’.
The kangaroo gave a goofy smirk. Then flexed. Sparkles appeared. Actual sparkles.
"..." Nobody’s jaw dropped. His crowbars nearly fell. "..." He shouted,"...WHAT THE ACTUAL FAAAAAH?!"
The crowd exploded.
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
The kangaroo waved proudly.
Nobody looked toward Ren. "REN!"
Ren was already laughing very hard. The rabbit was practically rolling around in his seat. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Nobody pointed furiously. "REN!!!"
Ren wiped tears from his eyes. "This is priceless!"
"I HATE THIS!"
"I TOLD YOU!"
"YOU DIDN’T TELL ME IT WAS A KANGAROO!"
Ren laughed even harder.
The kangaroo suddenly grabbed a microphone.
Nobody froze. "Oh no."
The kangaroo pointed toward the invisible audience. Then shouted dramatically. "ARE YOU READY KIDS?!"
The crowd immediately responded. "AYE AYE CAPTAIN!"
Nobody’s soul left his body. "What."
The kangaroo cupped one ear. "I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUUU!"
The crowd exploded. "AYE AYE CAPTAIN!!!"
Nobody stared at the ceiling. He wanted the demoness back.
The poison, the stingers. Anything.
The kangaroo suddenly jumped. Did three backflips. Then landed perfectly. The microphone somehow transformed into a fish.
Nobody decided not to question it.
The fish disappeared. The kangaroo laughed. "YAHOOOOOOOO!"
Confetti exploded everywhere.
Nobody grabbed his head. "This isn’t real."
Ren was dying. Absolutely dying. The rabbit couldn’t breathe. "HAHAHAHAHA!"
Blossom was equally entertained. "Atta! Atta!"
Nobody pointed at both of them. "YOU TWO ARE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT ME!"
Ren finally managed to calm down barely. Then pointed toward the ring. "No. I’m here for entertainment."
Nobody looked betrayed again.
The kangaroo suddenly jumped onto the ropes. Then pointed directly at Nobody. Its cartoon eyes sparkled. "Ding ding ding!"
Nobody blinked. "...What?"
"Ding ding ding!" The kangaroo pointed at itself.
Then pointed at Nobody.
Then made punching motions.
"Oh." The realization hit Nobody. "No."
The kangaroo nodded. "Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"YES."
The crowd cheered.
Nobody slowly looked toward the system. "System."
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[YES?]
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"Can I fight the demoness again?"
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[REQUEST DENIED]
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Nobody looked ready to cry.
The kangaroo suddenly flexed. Its muscles doubled. Then tripled. Then quadrupled. Its cartoon body became ridiculously muscular.
Nobody pointed immediately. "SO THAT’S WHY IS HE CALLED MUSCLE BOB!"
The system answered.
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[DID YOU EXPECT A MUSCLE DUDE
WITHOUT MUSCLES?]
"( – ⌓ – )
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"..." Nobody was looking at the kangaroo and the system. "You’re not helping."
The kangaroo suddenly landed inside the wrestling ring.
BOOM!
The entire arena shook.
Then it pointed one boxing glove toward Nobody. A grin spread across its face. The goofy grin somehow looked terrifying. Because unlike every monster before Nobody couldn’t predict it. Couldn’t analyze it nor understand it.
"How do you fight something that follows cartoon logic?"
The crowd continued chanting.
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
Muscle Bob raised both gloves.
The bell suddenly rang.
DING!
DING!
DING!
The kangaroo’s grin widened.
Nobody gulped very slowly. Then looked toward Ren one last time. "Ren."
"What?"
"I already hate comedy."
Ren laughed.
Muscle Bob cracked his neck.
CRACK.
Then cracked it again.
CRACK.
Then somehow pulled out a second neck and cracked that too.
CRACK.
Nobody stared.
"Nope."
"Nope."
"NOPE."
Muscle Bob bounced in place like a spring-loaded toy.
BOING.
BOING.
BOING.
Every landing shook the ring. The crowd roared louder.
BOB! BOB! BOB!
Nobody tightened his grip on his crowbars. Then immediately loosened it again. He wasn’t even sure if normal combat rules applied here.
The kangaroo suddenly pulled a whistle from nowhere and blew it.
FWEET!
Nobody blinked. "Where did that come from?"
The whistle vanished into thin air. Muscle Bob pointed at Nobody.
Then gave a thumbs-up. Then immediately tried to punch him.
BOOM!
Nobody barely jumped back.
The punch missed. The air behind him exploded anyway.
Ren leaned forward, eyes sparkling with interest. "Oh, this is going to be good."
And
Thus....the most ridiculous battle of the tutorial finally began.
