Chapter 88: Gag Madness
The wrestling arena had become complete madness. Nobody was sprinting around the ring while Muscle Bob bounced after him like an oversized cartoon missile.
BOING!
BOING!
BOING!
Every jump shook the arena. The invisible crowd was losing its mind.
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
Nobody looked over his shoulder. "WHY IS THIS LUNATIC CHASING ME LIKE THAT?!"
Muscle Bob pointed at him. Then pointed at his fist. Then pointed at Nobody again.
The message was very clear. ’Punch Nobody Hard.’
"No thanks!" Nobody immediately pulled out his twin crowbars. "Fine! You want to fight?!" He rushed forward.
The crowd gasped.
Ren grabbed more popcorn. "Oh this should be good."
Nobody swung.
SWISH!
The crowbar aimed directly for Bob’s face. Muscle Bob reacted instantly.
CHOMP.
The entire arena went silent.
"..." Nobody froze. "...Did you just..."
CHOMP.
The kangaroo casually bit the crowbar.
Nobody stared. The crowbar was inside Bob’s mouth. Muscle Bob blinked. Then smiled. Nobody’s eye twitched. "No. No no no."
Muscle Bob’s body suddenly expanded.
FWOOOOMP!
The kangaroo grew larger and larger. Until he looked like a building.
Nobody slowly stepped backward. "What the hell."
The giant Bob pulled the crowbar from his mouth. Then casually started using it as a toothpick.
SCRATCH.
SCRATCH.
SCRATCH.
Nobody looked emotionally damaged. "THAT IS MY WEAPON!"
Bob cleaned his teeth. Nodded approvingly.
Then...
YEET.
The crowbar flew across the arena.
CRASH!
It embedded itself inside a distant wall. The giant kangaroo instantly shrank back to normal size.
Nobody blinked. Then blinked again. "What The Hell !!!" He shifted the screen toward us and said furiously. "I know, guys, reality-bending can create stuff! I know weird powers exist! But this dude is pure chaos!"
Even the system didn’t disagree.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
[CORRECT]
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
"THANK YOU!"
Muscle Bob meanwhile had become distracted. The kangaroo suddenly stuck his thumb inside his mouth.
Nobody immediately became suspicious. "...Why are you doing that?"
Bob inhaled.
FWWWWWWOOOOOOO!
Air rushed everywhere. His boxing glove began expanding.
Growing.
Growing.
Growing.
Nobody slowly turned toward the system. "System?"
The answer appeared instantly. Red light flashing.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
[WARNING]
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Muscle Bob is preparing:
GAG PUNCH
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Nobody stared. Then stared at the glove. Then stared at the warning. Then immediately pointed toward the audience. "RUNNNNNNNN!!!"
Nobody turned and started sprinting. Unfortunately it was too late.
Muscle Bob’s glove became larger than a truck. The kangaroo grinned. Then punched.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The glove somehow stretched across half the arena.
Nobody turned around. His soul left his body. "Oh no."
WHAM!!!
The punch connected. Then Nobody vanished. Not just flew or launched. He vanished like a shooting star. Like a missile.
FWOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Ren watched him disappear. "...There he goes."
Nobody continued flying and flying.
And flying. And somehow flying even more. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
The wrestling arena was long gone. The sky was gone. The world was gone.
Now he was passing through complete nonsense. The first thing he saw was a giant pastry shop floating in the sky. "...What?"
Inside sat Muscle Bob. A second Muscle Bob. The kangaroo was eating cake, cookies, donuts and drinking tea. The pastry-eating Bob looked toward flying Nobody. Then waved. "Hi."
Nobody screamed. "WHY ARE YOU HERE TOO?!"
The pastry shop vanished. He continued flying.
FWOOOOOOOOSH!
Then another scene appeared. Clouds and endless clouds. And there Muscle Bob was swimming in the clouds. Like they were water. The kangaroo wore swimming goggles.
Nobody’s brain began shutting down. "No THE FUC* AM I SEEING RIGHT NOW?!"
Cloud-swimming Bob waved. "Yahoo!"
Nobody screamed. "STOP GIVING ME WAVE!"
The scene vanished. He kept flying.
FWOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Third scene. A giant jogging track floating through the sky. Muscle Bob was running and sweating. Listening to music wearing a headband. The jogging kangaroo looked at Nobody. Then gave a thumbs up. "Health is important."
Nobody wanted to cry. "THIS ISN’T REALITY!"
The jogging track disappeared. Then another. And another.
And another.
Muscle Bob appeared everywhere.
Cooking, Fishing, Painting, Dancing, Doing yoga, Fighting a shark. Becoming the mayor of something.
Nobody finally snapped. "I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING ANYMORE!"
The universe ignored him.
Eventually...gravity remembered he existed. Nobody started falling very fast. The wrestling arena suddenly returned beneath him.
The ring looked very tiny.
"Oh...Oh no. Oh very no." He continued falling. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Ren looked upward. "Oh he’s coming back."
Blossom looked up. "Atta!"
Nobody crashed directly into the ring.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The entire arena shook. Dust exploded upward. The ropes snapped. The floor cracked and a crater appeared.
Several seconds later....
A hand emerged from the crater. Then a second hand. Nobody slowly climbed out. His hair was a mess. His t-shirt was filled with dust His soul looked injured. He stared blankly ahead. "..." Then said,"...Why the hell am I not dead?"
Ren immediately shouted from the audience. "Don’t worry!"
Nobody slowly looked up. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON’T WORRY?!"
Ren pointed cheerfully. "This enemy won’t kill you!"
Nobody blinked. "...Really?"
"Yep!"
"Then why does everything hurt?!"
Ren grinned. "Because you’ll still feel pain!"
Nobody froze.
Ren gave a thumbs-up. "But you’ll stay alive!"
Nobody’s eye twitched. The invisible crowd cheered. Muscle Bob cheered. Blossom cheered.
Even the system seemed amused.
Meanwhile Nobody stood inside a crater questioning every life decision that had brought him here.
Then....
BOING!
Muscle Bob landed directly in front of him. The kangaroo grinned. Raised both gloves. And prepared another attack.
Nobody immediately pointed. "REN!"
"What?"
"Check If I have Insurance and tell everyone I love them all!"
Ren laughed so hard he nearly fell out of his seat.
Muscle Bob tilted his head after hearing that. Then he pointed at himself. Then pointed at Nobody. Then made a heart shape with his gloves.
Nobody immediately stepped back. "No. Absolutely not."
The kangaroo looked offended.
The invisible audience released a collective "Awwww."
"STOP DOING THAT!" Nobody shouted at the empty seats.
Meanwhile, the system suddenly appeared.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
[COMEDY RESISTANCE +1]
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Nobody blinked. "...Excuse me?"
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
[User has suffered severe exposure to cartoon nonsense]
[New Passive Developed]
Comedy Resistance Lv.1
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Ren immediately burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHA! You got a resistance skill from mental damage!"
Nobody pointed accusingly at the screen. "THIS SHOULD NOT BE A REAL SKILL!"
The system disagreed.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
[Current Stage Requires It]
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Nobody wanted to argue. Unfortunately, Muscle Bob had already moved on. The kangaroo suddenly pulled a giant signboard from inside his pockets.
Nobody didn’t even question where it came from anymore.
The sign read: "FREE PUNCHES TODAY!"
The crowd cheered wildly.
BOB!
BOB!
BOB!
Nobody slowly backed away. "Nope."
Muscle Bob’s grin widened. He cracked his gloves.
CRACK.
CRACK.
Then pointed directly at Nobody. The sign instantly changed. "FIRST CUSTOMER FOUND!"
Nobody turned and started running. "WHY AM I THE CUSTOMER?!"
BOING!
BOING!
BOING!
Muscle Bob bounced after him across the ring.
From the audience, Ren wiped tears from his eyes. "This is honestly the funniest stage I’ve ever watched."
"REN HELP ME!"
"No."
"PLEASE!"
"Still no."
And thus, the most chaotic battle of Nobody’s life continued.
