Chapter 1679: Chapter 1678: An Emotionless Walking Corpse
Xia Pu, I hope this is not the first letter I’ve written you, nor the last. Yet, I am conflicted, wanting you to know its contents but also fearing you find out. Because I am sorry to you, I should not have married you, which brought you pain and perhaps lifelong sorrow.
All of this was caused by my selfishness, which has harmed you.
There is a truth I have always been afraid to tell you. But if I die, you are the one who deserves to know this truth.
A few years ago, I carried out a mission and nearly failed, almost dying in the process. The enemy used many methods to make me talk, including injecting me with a large amount of drugs, leaving me wishing for death rather than living. But when I was on the brink of death, I was fortunately saved. Yet, the drugs continued to torment me, still threatening my life, and at that time, no one could save me.
At the time, the only chance of survival was to inject a banned substance, and I can’t tell you what it was. But the consequence was that I became an emotionless, living corpse.
I do not know what happiness or joy is, nor do I feel love. Without emotions or desires, I could not become dependent on drugs, thus saving my body.
But from that moment on, my soul was dead.
Every day, I didn’t know the meaning of living, except by continually undertaking tasks, using rigid justice and morality to restrain myself. Only when carrying out tasks did I feel the illusion that I was alive.
Until one day, I met you.
You said you wanted to marry me; you liked me so much, it was evident to anyone. Yet anyone could see, I did not like you.
Actually, it wasn’t that I didn’t like you; my heart even wanted to feel sorrow because I no longer knew what it felt like to like someone. I couldn’t even respond to someone as good as you.
Naturally, I couldn’t give you happiness; I don’t even know what happiness feels like.
So I rejected you and was cold towards you. But you never gave up on me, and your feelings for me never changed. Your genuine affection, simple and pure, unmixed with anything else.
For the first time, I saw such pure emotion. Perhaps in this world, only you could purely like me, not because of my status or any of my reputation.
Facing your pure love, I gradually developed selfish thoughts. I’ve lost all happiness and emotion, yet increasingly desired to possess these. I yearned eagerly, like a traveler in the desert thirsting for water.
I wanted selfishly to own your love for me, hoping one day, your love could awaken all my emotions. So, when I was sure that even if I didn’t love you, you’d still be willing to marry me, I agreed to marry you.
Xia Pu, you didn’t know that at that time, I considered you my lifeline. I hoped my life would change because of you, but in the end, I was wrong.
Terribly wrong, tremendously mistaken.
Because of my momentary selfishness, I married you, yet I couldn’t give you the happiness you desired. I didn’t even know how to be a good husband or how to love you and respond to your feelings.
I was even indifferent to your devotion.
Seeing the sorrow that often showed in your eyes, I wanted to feel remorse.
