Chapter 27: Feeling frustrated
"Micheal, you’re so selfish." Noah said and I clicked my tongue.
The bitter taste in my tongue kept spreading throughout my mouth.
"You speak like you’re not the same." I said, my face slightly twisted. "Who was it that begged to be let into my life for his own safety? It’s such an inconvenience on my part and you know that. From the few days we’ve stayed together, I’m sure you’re well aware that I’d rather have some peace and not be inconvenienced by the presence of another human being, yet you decide to stay. It’s in your own interest, isn’t it? It’s because if you don’t stay and go into the world without your memories, you’ll probably die at the hands of your pursuers or get kidnapped and sold. You need me, you need to stay with me even if I’m not okay with it. It’s for your own interest, Noah. So, who’s the selfish one?"
I felt spiteful like there was a thinking time bomb strapped to my heart. I thought I would feel better but I only felt frustrated even after venting out like that.
I raised my gaze to look at him, look at that expressionless look on his face. It was as if he didn’t care about anything.
"You might say something like, I don’t have a heart for me not to pity someone who’s suffering from amnesia but I’m no saint. I’m not someone who runs a health center or a home for the unfortunate. So, why the hell should I feel compassion when the world has never shown me such compassion?"
My heart felt heavy but I wanted to keep talking. I wanted to spill out the disturbing thoughts in my heart even though they made me feel so frustrated.
My heart was thumping, my pores bleeding sweat that felt more salty than more, and my neck wouldn’t stop aching.
Maybe it was because I had been on my sick bed for so long, but I felt so tense that the situation I was in did not contribute to my easiness one bit.
My condition was harsh as it was and my emotions were on spikes, so having to deal with Noah got me on such adrenaline. It felt impossible to stop talking about myself and if I did, I would never get the chance to convey these words again.
Not that they were that important. I didn’t expect Noah to understand me or my situation. I didn’t expect his sympathy either.
I was just taking his sense for granted and using his listening ears to the fullest. God, was he even listening? He may be looking at me but his ears might just be closed off to whatever I had to say.
Fuck it!
He started it when he called me selfish. If he had just answered my question and then we would be all on our way.
"I don’t think I’ve ever refuted any of the accusations thrown out at me in regards to this unlucky life of mine, but if you don’t know what I’ve been through, I don’t think you have the right to judge me." I said and met his eyes. "You don’t know a damn thing about me."
Noah stayed silent, his gaze was simple as he held no expression on his face or eyes concerning all the things I had said. As if he hadn’t even heard a thing.
It was as if he was trying to dismiss my ’barking’ with his indifference but I wasn’t going to stop. He needed to know just how frustrated I was at the fact that I was still living right now.
But then, just when I thought he was going to keep staying silent, he spoke up with a question.
"What do I need to know for me to judge the person standing in front of me?" He asked, his tone calm and organized. "You’ve shown yourself, emptied your pockets, and stripped yourself of any sort of delusions. So, I believe I’ve seen all I need to for me to tell what kind of person you are." He claimed and I clicked my tongue.
"Bullshit! You’ve seen me bare? What the hell do you think you know about me?" I yelled but he went silent again, his eyes falling lazily on me.
This was disturbing. Was he trying to drive me mad? If so, he was definitely succeeding.
"This world," I trembled. "What did this world give to me for me not to act the way I’m acting now? What is it?" I bowed my head, stared at my hands, and cussed.
I was trying to vent out, but the weight on my heart did not feel any lighter, as if I was sucking out water from an ocean. I wasn’t feeling better and this guy in front of me, sitting unmoved, wasn’t making matters any easier.
"Caring parents? Sure, I had those but even they weren’t able to stop my older brother from making my life hell. A great degree and even a wife? I had those at one point. But life’s so cruel that I couldn’t keep my marriage and my degree is useless right now cause someone decided to pull a prank in my workplace. I’ve had every shitty thing happen to me and just when I feel like things are turning around, it all goes down the drain." I but my lips, feeling a certain bitter sensation well up at the pit of my belly. "I hate my life but what I hate more are those who simply look at me and judge without knowing a fucking thing that’s going on in my life. Where were they when I was drowning in a pit filled with my own tears? Where were they when I was falling at every step I took? Seriously," I gazed up at him and stared with cold and angry eyes. "...you don’t get to tell me that I’m selfish when you’re also asking me for the impossible, you bastard. Life’s not fair."
