Chapter 299: The Oil Can
"Husband dear, the key to the ability Homebound Heart and Thickset Body is to think of your own home and let your body grow thick and heavy."
Think of my home and let my body grow thick and heavy. The process of making that connection seems... a little complicated.
The Gramophone adjusted the angle of the firelight and projected a photograph of a large house onto the wall.
"A fine residence must be sturdy, with thick walls and a heavy foundation. In ordinary times, it shields its occupants from the wind and rain. In times of war, it withstands the attacks of foreign enemies. Whether one faces a dragon's lair or a tiger's den, a mountain of swords or a sea of fire, all dangers remain outside the walls. As long as a Homebound Cultivator is inside their dwelling, they fear nothing."
Li Banfeng understood this point deeply.
For Homebound Cultivators, as long as they were inside their dwelling, they would not be afraid even if they were traveling through the universe.
The Gramophone continued, "My dear, imagine yourself in the form of your own house. Think of its sturdy structure, with its thick walls and heavy foundation. Concentrate that thought on your body, and make your flesh and bones indestructible."
Li Banfeng could understand the process, but it was difficult for him to apply the Gramophone's instructions.
He could not imagine his own house because he had never seen the Pocket Dwelling's external appearance. He did not know what it looked like in its entirety.
What am I supposed to do?
Ignore the Pocket Dwelling's true appearance and just imagine a sturdy house!
Li Banfeng tried twice, but no changes occurred in his body.
The Gramophone reminded him, "My dear, you have to think of our house. Thinking of some house outside won't work."
So it has to be my house. Can I imagine a steam train instead?
Now that he thought about it, a steam train was pretty sturdy too.
Li Banfeng tried a few times and felt that his body was indeed undergoing changes. It felt as if a thick layer of iron armor had settled over him.
This time, it should be considered a success. With this suit of iron armor, his defense had increased dramatically.
Li Banfeng tried a few more times and felt that he had become very skilled at using the ability.
"Wifey, I've pretty much learned how to use the ability, so I'm going out to buy groceries."
Just when Li Banfeng was about to leave, a cloud of steam blocked his way.
"Don't be in such a hurry, my dear. Let me test it first."
Mm. It's a good idea to test it out first.
Li Banfeng tried to predict the trajectory of the Gramophone's stylus attack.
After spending so much time together, Li Banfeng understood her attack habits quite well.
Besides, this was just a sparring match between husband and wife. Wifey definitely won't be too ruthless, so I don't need to worry about protecting my vital spots. She will most likely pick some less important place and stab me there—
Huff!
The Gramophone scaled Li Banfeng with a puff of steam, leaving him red all over.
"Oh, my dear, I only used one percent of my strength, and you already couldn't withstand it. You didn't activate the ability at all."
Li Banfeng pondered for a while before saying, "I thought you were going to stab me with the gramophone stylus. Who knew you would scald me with steam?"
The Gramophone let out a soft snort and laughed. "Oh, my dear, are you still not convinced? I said it would be a critical strike, but I never said I had to use a sharp weapon."
Li Banfeng tickled the crook of the Gramophone, where he assumed her armpit would be. "My darling wife, you've learned to be naughty."
The Gramophone giggled for a while. "Stop fooling around, my dear. Focus on learning how to use the ability first."
Wifey has a point. In a real fight, there's no telling what methods my opponent would use. It's not enough to be tough. I have to be fireproof, heat-resistant, resistant to corrosion... I have to think of every aspect.
Li Banfeng calmed down and thought through every detail.
After more than half an hour, he said to the Gramophone, "I'm ready this time. Wifey, go ahead and attack."
The Gramophone nodded. "Your stance looks good, my dear. You have activated the ability, but it may not be useful."
Li Banfeng could not understand. "If I've activated it, how can it be useless?"
"Oh, my dear, allow me to make a comparison."
The Gramophone cleared her throat, and her gongs and drums suddenly rang out.
「Righteous spirit soars to the heavens, waking the stars to shine down cold light! 」
It was "Heroic Farewell," an act from the Peking opera The Battle of Red Cliffs.[1]
Li Banfeng collapsed to the floor with a thud.
The ability's effect was indeed useless this time too. He had forgotten to soundproof himself.
This rendition of "Heroic Farewell" was so powerful that it made Li Banfeng tremble and break out in cold sweat.
If the Gramophone had put in even a little more strength, Li Banfeng's ears would have gone completely deaf.
After he calmed down, Li Banfeng panted for a long while, trying to catch his breath. Then he said, "Let's go again!"
"Oh, my dear~ Not today. Go ahead and try imagining the transformation, but I'm afraid you are unable to transform again today."
Li Banfeng once again imagined himself as a steam train, but this time, his body did not undergo any changes.
"Homebound Heart and Thickset Body can only be used once a day. My dear, you failed to activate it the first time and barely managed it the second time. Before tomorrow, you can forget about using it again."
However, Li Banfeng was unwilling to accept that. He looked at the Gramophone and said, "Wifey, you know me. Two or three times is nothing to me."
The Gramophone laughed. "My dear, don't force yourself. Rest first."
She said I'm forcing myself...
In a fit of anger, Li Banfeng took out the oil can.
The Gramophone trembled. "Oh, my dear~ My darling husband, I didn't mean to mock you. I truly only wanted you to rest. I spoke out of turn. I know I was wrong, all right? My dear, be gentler... My dear, aim a little more carefully..."
Her words gradually turned into muffled murmurs.
Hong Ying sneered. "That madman poured it in the wrong place again. Serves you right, you wicked woman!"
***
At the Paramount Club, in the center of the large dance floor, Lu Dongtang, Lu Maoxian's eldest son, held a cup of tea with both hands and presented it to Lu Chunying before the entire Lu Family.
Lu Chunying, a daughter of the main branch, had avenged Lu Maoxian, so according to the Lu Family's rules, Lu Maoxian had to offer her tea in gratitude. However, Lu Maoxian claimed that he had yet to recover from his injuries and that he could not get out of bed, so he had his eldest son, Lu Dongtang, offer the tea in his place. Lu Chunying happy to accept it.
The occasion was a grand one, and many people had come. Even Duan Shaoxia, the madam of the main branch, was present.
Lu Chunying took the teacup from Lu Dongtang, took a sip, and set it aside. She stared at Lu Dongtang for a moment, then had someone bring over another cup of tea.
"You are my elder, Uncle Dongtang. I offer this cup of tea to you," Lu Chunying said and handed the cup to Lu Dongtang.
Lu Chunying did not need to return the gesture of respect, but this was Monkey Qiu's arrangement. It would show Lu Chunying had the bearing of a daughter of the main branch.
Lu Dongtang's face turned purple with anger. Regardless, he drank the tea and returned to his seat. No matter how upset he was, he still had to sit there.
However, he was not the only one suffering; his whole family suffered with him. Lu Yuanju, Lu Dongtang's youngest daughter, was gritting her teeth so hard that they nearly cracked.
She was some years older than Lu Chunying. So, when she learned the day before that her father would have to offer tea in gratitude to some girl, she had been so furious that she ended up not sleeping the whole night.
Lu Yuanju had made early preparations to take revenge at this gathering. She had not yet entered a Daoist path, but she knew quite a lot about the rules of the Daoist paths. She knew that an ordinary person who cultivated three Daoist Paths at once would certainly die.
Using that as the focus, she had come up with a clever plan to deal with Lu Chunying. She had prepared three kinds of cultivation activation powder. Once the banquet ended, she would scatter all three on Lu Chunying!
In terms of seniority, I'm her elder sister. She definitely won't suspect me.
Afterward, I'll say that I wanted to enter a Daoist path, but I hadn't chosen one yet and ended up accidentally spilling the activation powders on that girl.
Lu Yuanju looked at Lu Dongtang's expression and silently clenched her hands into fists.
Father! Don't be upset! I'll bear the crime of offending the main branch for you! I want to see what the main branch can do to me!
Two hours later, the banquet ended.
Lu Chunying was still exchanging pleasantries with her relatives.
"Miss Chunying, I'm truly impressed. We waited all night and didn't even see the man, but as soon as you made a move, you dealt with him!"
Lu Chunying smiled modestly. "How old am I, and how much cultivation power do I have? It was all thanks to the help of my seniors here."
She did not claim credit or act arrogantly, and she also tactfully expressed the foundation backing her. Monkey Qiu was very satisfied by the sense of propriety that Lu Chunying showed with her words.
Everyone chimed in one after another. "Miss Chunying, you have both courage and wit, and you're so gracious too. In the future, just give us your orders if anything comes up. Our whole family will obey the main branch's commands."
After leaving the Paramount Club, Lu Chunying found a car already waiting at the entrance. She was just about to get in when someone suddenly called out to her from behind.
"Little Sister Chunying, wait a moment. I have something for you."
Lu Chunying turned around and saw that it was Lu Yuanju. "Sister Yuanju, what is it?"
Lu Yuanju reached into her handbag. "A friend brought back necklaces from the Outer Provinces. They say the craftsmanship is quite good. They gave me two, so I'll give you one."
"Really?" Lu Chunying's eyes widened as she looked at Lu Yuanju's handbag, while she discreetly drew her folding fan from her waist with her right hand.
Lu Yuanju grabbed three packets of activation powder, yanked them out, and flung the powder at Lu Chunying.
However, Lu Chunying was prepared. She tapped the ground with the tips of her toes and retreated several steps, avoiding the powder. She opened her folding fan and waved it back and forth at Lu Yuanju.
All three types of activation powder flew through the air and onto Lu Yuanju's face, causing her so much pain that she rolled about on the ground.
Monkey Qiu stepped in front of Lu Chunying, shielded her behind him.
Tan Fucheng stared at Lu Yuanju in shock and asked quietly, "What kind of powder did she throw?"
Monkey Qiu was shocked as well. "It looks like cultivation activation powder."
Tan Fucheng could not figure it out. "Why would she throw that?"
Monkey Qiu could not figure it out either.
However, Lu Chunying said, "She probably wanted me to get the activation powder for several cultivation paths to kill me."
Tan Fucheng frowned. "Who gave her such a nasty idea? She's just a Bleater, yet she thinks she can throw activation powder onto a cultivator? If she really thinks she can pull off scattering powder on someone, wouldn't throwing a kilo of poison powder be better?"
Lu Dongtang rushed out. When he saw his daughter covered in activation powder, he quickly ordered someone to call a doctor.
The doctor looked at Lu Yuanju, but he did not really want to touch her. The activation powder would hurt him really badly if it got stuck to his hands.
Lu Chunying asked Tan Fucheng, "Elder Brother Tan, is she cultivating three Daoist paths at once now?"
Tan Fucheng laughed. "Cultivate three Paths, my ass. Does she even have the foundation for that? She doesn't even have enough foundation for one Daoist path, so what use would the powder be?"
Seeing that Lu Yuanju was no longer struggling much, Lu Chunying said, "She isn't going to die, is she?"
Tan Fucheng shook his head. "Hard to say. Activation powder harms the body, and having activation powder of three Daoist paths will likely cause serious injury. If she were a level-one cultivator, she would likely be able to endure it. But she hasn't even entered a Path, and she smeared herself with so much powder. Even if she doesn't die, she'll become crippled. What do you think was going through her head?"
Lu Dongtang had someone carry Lu Yuanju away, while Duan Shaoxia walked out of the Paramount Club.
"Chunying, you handled today's matter with dignity. You've brought honor to Dongliang," Duan Shaoxia praised Lu Chunying, her eyes full of affection.
Lu Chunying quickly bowed. "Thank you for your praise, Madam."
Duan Shaoxia smiled. "What a sensible child. Zhiheng, don't let Chunying keep living outside. Have her move back home."
Qiu Zhiheng looked at Lu Chunying but said nothing.
Lu Chunying bowed to Duan Shaoxia again. "Madam, I've been focusing hard on my cultivation these past few days. Please allow me to take a little more time regarding the move."
She did not agree to the movie, but she did not refuse either. She handled it with just the right sense of propriety.
Duan Shaoxia nodded and continued praising Lu Chunying, while a blood vessel burst in her eye at some point without her even realizing it.
Lu Chunying did not raise her head. From beginning to end, she did not look Duan Shaoxia in the eye.
***
Li Banfeng was sitting inside the Pocket Dwelling, and he was not in the best of moods. He had sparred with the Gramophone for two days straight and had not won once.
The Gramophone sighed. "My dear, why don't we stop sparring? Homebound Heart and Thickset Body isn't an ability you can just use straight away. You need to spend time refining your technique."
It's true that my technique needs refining.
The Gramophone's methods of attack were bizarre and unpredictable, and there was always something Li Banfeng failed to consider.
On one rare attempt, Li Banfeng had almost thought of every detail, only to get scalded red all over by a blast of the Gramophone's steam before he was even ready.
"My dear, in a real fight, your life or death is decided in an instant. If you need an hour just to prepare, I'm afraid that won't do."
Li Banfeng looked at the Gramophone and smiled. The Gramophone shivered, thinking Li Banfeng was going to apply machine oil again.
However, Li Banfeng did not apply machine oil. He wanted to go out for a walk. After staying home for two days, he had fallen quite far behind in his Wanderlust Cultivator training. Besides, Li Banfeng also wanted to go out and take some footage to prepare for the next time he used the Film Projector.
The Gramophone broke out in a cold sweat.
Hong Ying, on the other hand, laughed freely. "I didn't expect the madman to spare you. When he was sleeping last night, I even heard him yelling, 'Oil can, oil can!'"
Li Banfeng stepped out the front door of the Pocket Dwelling, and the moment his foot landed, he sank into a slick, bottomless abyss.
Slick... What is this that's so slick? Is this... oil?
A great volume of oil kept surging into his mouth, nose, and eyes.
Did I fall into a pot of oil?
Li Banfeng kicked with all his strength and swam upward through the oily water until he finally reached the surface.
He looked around. There was land, a shoreline, and a small island. This was not a pot of oil. It was a lake, a lake filled entirely with oil.
How did I get here?
1. It’s based on a naval battle in China that took place during the winter of 208–209 AD. Read more here. The "Heroic Farewell" is about a ruse the allied forces pulled off, pretending to surrender to their enemy Cao Cao to give him false confidence of his victory. ☜
