Chapter 40: How Long
"It’s nice out here." It was. Quiet and peaceful. He sat for a while not saying a word, then turned his attention to me.
"Can I ask you a question?" I turned to face him.
"Why do you do it?"
"Do what?" I knew what he was asking, but I couldn’t say it out loud.
"Your job?"
"I do it because I have to support my family. And if I’m being honest, it empowers me too. In that moment, someone wants me, and in some small way I enjoy that." Did I really just say that out loud?
"I’m not judging you. Why not work somewhere else? I’m sure there are jobs out there you’d be more than qualified for."
"Been there, done that." Now let me tell you, this was not where I planned this date going. "When my parents died I paid their debts, and what little was left put a roof over our heads. A roach infested apartment in the ghetto was all we could afford. I was scared for my sisters to even go outside. I worked, I had food stamps, I applied for welfare, and it still wasn’t enough."
I closed my eyes. "People always say they’d never do this, until they run out of choices. I didn’t drop out of school because my grades were bad. I dropped out because I wasn’t going to let my sisters go into foster care. My mom was a foster kid until she was eighteen, and I saw how much that resentment ate at her. I refused to let that happen to them." I wiped away a tear before it could fall.
"So do you think one day you’ll want to get married, have kids, the whole white picket fence?"
"Of course. Minus the fence. This isn’t my career, Evan. It’s a stepping stone."
"So after school you just walk away from it."
"Of course I do. If it wasn’t for this job I would have never met Lilly and Ben, who have been more like family to me than my own parents ever were."
"You gave up your virginity to someone who doesn’t even love you. Was it worth it?"
That one landed like a slap. "It was supposed to be for my husband. I dreamed about my wedding night my whole life and I will never get that back. I sold it to someone I thought would cherish it, and I was wrong. Do I regret it? Yes. Did it provide for my sisters? Also yes." My voice cracked.
"Somebody will love you, Cadence. You can be happy."
"I don’t have happy memories of my parents the way you do. I wasn’t forced into this. I made the decision and I live with it. Because of it, my sisters have a good life, a nice house, I’m at one of the best schools in the country. I don’t plan on being a housewife. I believe I can do better, and in time, I will." I bent down and put my shoes back on.
"I didn’t mean to offend you. I only asked because I’m falling for you. I know what you are, and I’m not judging. You’re right, we make our own choices. And I want you."
I looked at him. He wanted me. Why was he even saying this to me?
"Why would you want a whore? I’m not someone you bring home to your parents. ’Hi mom and dad, this is my girlfriend Cadence, oh and she’s a call girl, pass the potatoes please.’" I laughed, but it came out sharper than I meant.
"Why are you putting yourself down? You were put in a situation out of your control. You’re still so young, with so much ahead of you. You’re beautiful, smart, caring. Any man would be honored to have you on his arm. Especially me."
I shook my head. It was all just words. Robert threw me out, Paul wanted two days of sex, and now Evan wanted to be my man. Reader, I needed a vacation. How much drama can one woman take in a single weekend?
"What do you want from me, Evan? You’ve had my body, what else is there?" I didn’t mean to yell, but I was drained. I sucked as a sister, I sucked as a whore, and now the only man left who might want me was terrifying me more than either of those facts.
"You can’t have me. I don’t fit in your life. Fight for her, Evan. Tell her how much you love her, keep Kara’s back covered, love her, protect her, treasure her. Don’t let her end up like me." I hadn’t realized I was crying until the words were already out. If my own father couldn’t love me, what made me think a regular man could?
I stood, grabbing my purse. "Thank you for the evening. I’m sorry I ruined it."
He pulled me into him instead. And I want you to know that’s when it all came crashing down at once, my parents, Robert, Lilly in that hospital bed, every choice I’d made just piling up on my chest at the same time.
"Shh. Everything is going to be fine," he said, kissing the top of my head, holding me until the tears finally stopped.
"I better go, Evan. I’m too drained to be good for anything right now."
"Stay. I’ll find a way to relax you, or we can just sit here. Whatever you need."
"I’m sorry. This was supposed to be a date, not an outburst."
"It’s okay. Sometimes people just need a shoulder. And don’t worry, I’m going to fight hard for Kara."
"Good," I said, smiling despite myself. "Then I was right, you can’t have me. If your ex found out about me it could cost you your chances with her, and she needs all of you right now. I saw the way you talked about her. I wish I’d had that with my own father, but you play the cards you’re dealt." I kissed him. "Good luck with Kara."
"Don’t go," he said, catching my hand. Reader, I didn’t want it to end in just sex either, but I wanted him, and that scared me more than the tears had.
"If I stay..."
"No sex. I just want to hold you." I looked at him, not quite believing it, but that pull he had on me won out anyway. He led me down into the cabin, past a small kitchenette, to a bed and a dresser.
He unzipped my dress and let it fall, stripped down to his undershirt and boxers, and pulled the covers back for both of us. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the back of my neck.
"Go to sleep, my angel. When this is over, I’m coming back for you. I promise."
My tears rolled down onto the pillow. The only question was how long, and whether he’d actually keep that promise.
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