Chapter 44: [Chapter 044] Don't think about it
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We stayed together until dawn broke. I felt a little sorry for the coachman, but we sat like that for a long time in the carriage beneath the starlit hill. I quietly waited for Roardnes to gather his thoughts as he hunched over his robust body. I stared at the dried blood on his undone shirt. The blood that had been rapidly circulating through his body had suddenly cooled. A thought I had momentarily pushed to the back of my mind, while I was caught up in a series of important events, came back to me, sending chills down my spine. Roardnes dying after me, or dying out of self-loathing. Neither was what I wanted.
Roardnes, deep in thought with his hands on his temples, occasionally looked up at me. I forced a smile, but I wasn't okay at all. No matter what, I had to return to the Duke's mansion and fulfill my other purpose. What should Roardnes and I do from now on? The immense love he had shown me and the betrayal of Noevian, whom I had once loved with all my heart, created a sharp divide in my heart. My affection for Ann, my longing for those glorious days, and the rational attraction I felt for him, who had grown more splendid than I had imagined—all of these things pressed firmly upon my heart. But as long as I had unresolved debts with Noevian, I didn't have the emotional space to start a new love. Perhaps Roardnes was also caught in the same dilemma. Feelings were feelings, but I couldn't ignore reality. As the second prince, the most favored younger brother of the emperor, could a woman named 'Blie Acacia' be a suitable match for Roardnes? Could Roardnes, who had lived so hard to be by the side of his family, especially the crown prince, after the Empress passed away, abandon his family and be with Blie Acacia, not Adriene? Even if he did, would I be happy? As I stumbled upon this fundamental problem, I felt a little frustrated despite having revealed the truth.
"...Don't do it."
"!"
I must have had a serious expression on my face, lost in thought. Roardnes straightened up and looked at me intently.
"What, what?"
When I answered as if I had been caught doing something wrong, Roardnes stood up abruptly and stood in front of me. The carriage provided by the Duke's mansion was so vast and tall that even with his tall stature, his head didn't touch the ceiling. As I looked up at him, his dry, well-shaped lips parted.
"That thing you're thinking about now."
"What, what do you think I'm thinking?"
"...You're holding back a lot."
His deep voice, which seemed to reverberate throughout the carriage, even though it was clearly above my head, sent a shiver down my spine.
"Holding back what?"
"Wanting to capture me like prey, tie me up, and take me back to your mansion."
"!"
The words 'like prey' hit me particularly hard. In Ronta, when they caught long-legged animals, they would tie their legs behind them... I couldn't help but think of him tying my arms behind me every time I unexpectedly encountered him. Ha. The serious atmosphere suddenly lightened. The thought of him treating me like prey to be captured was somehow frustrating. As I looked up at him, Roardnes had already knelt down in front of me, adjusting to my height. Even bent over like that, he was still taller than me. I realized again how incredibly big he was.
"So whatever you're thinking, stop it."
"How do you know what I'm thinking..."
"I feel like you're about to disappear."
When I flinched slightly, Roardnes placed his hand on my knee and squeezed tightly. It wasn't painful, but it was a strong force.
"Whether you transfer to a man's body or some absurd beast, I don't care."
"...What are you talking about?"
"Your soul. No, you. Wherever you go..."
Roardnes' usually firm face began to crumble. It seemed like things weren't getting better. With his chin held high, Roardnes tensed the muscles in his neck and pulled me into a hug.
"What, what are you..."
"...So just don't think about anything, and don't try to disappear."
"!"
As if reading my mind, Roardnes' voice, which poured down on top of my head, was firm.
"I'll do all the thinking. I'll figure everything out..."
Roardnes held me so tightly that I could hardly breathe. A sound, I couldn't tell if it was his heartbeat or mine, pounded in my ears, and my face grew steadily hot.
"...Just stay where I can see you."
***
The carriage stopped in front of the Duke's mansion, but neither of us got out. As if to make up for the long embrace, Roardnes calmly separated from me and sat opposite, watching me as if I were under surveillance.
"It wouldn't be difficult to find an excuse to keep you from getting involved with the Duke."
"...Are you going to run away with me?"
"Me, alone with you?"
Roardnes chuckled, looking a bit dumbfounded. But his expression remained stiff.
"I'll take you with me."
"His Highness the Prince, are you saying you'll elope with a married noblewoman?"
"Everyone would probably think it's just like me to do something like that, because I'm a troublemaker."
His serious face was so absurd that I couldn't help but laugh. I shook my head lightly and glanced out the window at the Duke's mansion.
"Ann."
I called out to him, but there was no answer.
"I want to know why I really died, if I didn't really die... why."
My throat suddenly tightened.
"Why Noevian lied like that..."
"I..."
"You can't."
Our gazes intertwined in confusion. I clenched my fists and spoke.
"Noevian is a man of His Highness the Prince."
"..."
Roardnes immediately closed his mouth, and I smiled faintly.
"No matter what you do, you, and His Highness the Prince, will both be inconvenienced."
Even if Roardnes tried to help me, in the end, this was my fight. It was an emotion I couldn't shake off unless I uncovered the truth and took revenge. If I didn't clear up these messy and tangled emotions, no matter how much I loved Ann, I couldn't establish a relationship called 'love'.
"Until this is all over... are we still good friends?"
"...Friends."
Roardnes stared at me and repeated it in a low, ominous voice.
"...If that's what you want."
I felt a chill.
"But I can't wait too long."
"What, what...?"
"So use me."
"!"
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"More than ever before."
***
After Roardnes got out of the carriage at the Duke's mansion, I was finally able to escape the suffocating atmosphere inside. I had barely managed to stop him from coming in with me.
"Where have you been this early in the morning?"
"..."
As soon as I entered the main entrance, Gaspard, the butler, followed me and I handed him my coat without a word.
"Where are the maids, Yona?"
"They're all resting in their rooms."
"They seem to have been resting for too long."
Yona nodded solemnly and immediately ran to get the maids. Gaspard stood there dumbfounded, still unable to believe that I had ignored his words after handing him my coat.
"It seems the house is bustling with activity."
It wasn't just a casual remark. The servants had been moving around busily since morning.
"His Highness the Prince will be visiting this afternoon."
"His Highness the Prince? Why wasn't I informed beforehand?"
"I just received the news this morning. Since he visits so often, it's almost routine at the Duke's mansion."
Ah. As I watched the maids approaching me in a hesitant manner, a sudden thought occurred to me.
'I don't think Doris sent me to the Duke's mansion for just one reason.'
I'm curious about what the Crown Prince and the Duke are up to.
'There's no such thing as a free lunch.'
If the reason for forcing me, the useless Blie Acacia, into the position of Duchess is to spy on her husband? I walked in front of the trembling maids and stopped in front of Annie. Her lips were tightly pressed together, a significant improvement compared to before.
"You did well to tell me where the body was, thank you."
Annie's face lit up. Her lips, chapped and white, parted as if she wanted to say something.
"I, I..."
And I smiled gently, as if ready to listen to anything.
"Was there really a body there...?"
"Oh, what do you take me for?"
I sat down on a nearby sofa, conscious of Gaspard and the other servants' gazes.
"Why would I go searching for a corpse on such a dark night? Come to think of it, I don't have many days left in this mansion..."
Sipping the tea that Marga had made, I continued nonchalantly.
"And there's no need to make the Duke dislike me by searching for the Duchess's body. It's better to spend that time getting to know the great nobles who visit the Duke's mansion."
Annie, whose expression had clearly deflated, seemed to be scrutinizing my face. I put down my teacup and scanned the group of maids.
"Your loyalty to your deceased mistress was quite impressive. I didn't expect you to last so long."
Their eyes, startled, were all focused on me.
"But sooner or later, you'll have to serve a new master, won't you? If you cooperate in the future..."
I smiled kindly.
"I'll speak well of you to Her Majesty the Empress. Do you understand what I mean?"
The devils of the Duke's mansion, who longed for a higher status. I was sure I could use their loose lips and prying eyes to get what Doris wanted.
"And Annie."
"Yes, yes?"
"I think I have a bigger job for you."
Annie's eyes, filled with confusion, trembled violently. I smiled even more deeply. I thought of Annie's face, smiling as she handed me Noevian's coat when I was sick.
"Do you understand what I mean?"
A maid who didn't know her place and was eager to climb higher would be very useful. Then, I gave the maids some free time.
"Ma'am, I saw Annie trying to leave the Duke's mansion."
I nodded slowly at Yona's whisper. I looked out the window and saw Annie walking quickly across the garden towards the entrance with a flushed face.
"I'll go out for a while."
"Yes?"
"I'll be back before His Highness the Prince arrives."
And I prepared to follow Annie. I wondered who she would tell this news to first.
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