Chapter 43: [Chapter 043] Feeling like a new person
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Roardnes let out a dry, cold laugh that split the dark air. He buried his face in his large hands. With no tears to shed, a ceaseless laugh escaped from his parched lips.
"...Anne."
"Stop," he said, his voice heavy and sinking to the ground. The pet name "Anne" was one that only he and Adrien knew. On a cold winter night, under a sky full of sadly beautiful stars, Roardnes sat down, his body growing cold. He felt as if all his strength had left him. He could end his life in a beautiful way. It was the only way he could prove his love for Adrien. After seeing her corpse and his heart breaking, and not wanting his last moments to be with a woman who reminded him of Adrien, he chose this path. Ending his life on Starlit Hill, a place where Adrien had so longed to come with him, felt meaningful. Though he wasn't sure if his blood-stained hands would allow him to go to where Adrien was.*
As he wiped his face with his hands, now stained with blood, he reminded himself that this wasn't heaven and that this was the reality where Blier Acacia drove him mad. Was he really going crazy? Had he bitten his tongue and died on the spot the moment he saw Adrien's corpse? If not, he couldn't explain it, and he couldn't ask this woman how she knew that name. But when Roardnes looked up at Blier Acacia, whose eyes were unwavering, unlike his own trembling self, he was speechless.
"Believe me. No, you have to believe me."
Really, what could he say? Roardnes stared blankly at the woman who was trembling as she spoke. It felt like a dream.
"Anne, Anne, please... believe me."
In the end, he buried his face completely in his hands. As he tried to stifle his laughter, he felt a surge of contempt for everything around him.
"Just say it's a dream."
Roardnes shuddered. From the outside, it looked like he was crying or laughing.
'Maybe I want to believe so badly that I'm dead, that's why I'm waiting like a madman for this woman to tell me she's actually Adrien.'
He must have deserved this punishment for having such a pathetic wish.
"Stop driving me crazy and just..."
His voice was trembling as he spoke.
"If you want to mock me by seeing Adrien in me and watching me go insane, then go ahead. But I will never betray Adrien. I will never..."
I finally broke down at the sound of Roardnes's voice, which sounded like he was vomiting words. I approached Roardnes, who was sitting with his face buried in his hands. I placed my hand on top of his.
"Anne, Anne... I am Adrien. My body is dead, but my soul is in this body now."
Roardnes slowly shook his head.
"You haven't gone mad, and you haven't betrayed me. I'm the bad one. I'm the fool who gave my heart to another man."
Roardnes shook his head, as if he couldn't believe such an absurd situation. But he couldn't take his eyes off me.
"I had a seizure in the middle of the night and took some medicine. I scared everyone in the house... and then I died. I could feel my breath leaving my body, but then I woke up in Blier Acacia's body."
Roardnes stared at me intently. The expression I had always seen in his eyes was gone. His gaze, deep and sunken, searched my face desperately.
"If you don't believe me... then I'm as good as dead."
No one would remember me for long, and no one would care about my dead feelings. I whispered sadly.
"Anne."
I tightly grasped Roardnes's cold hand and pulled him towards me. His hand, which was always warm, was now cold.
"I was so foolish and insensitive that I didn't realize you were Anne."
"I, I..."
Here's a possible English translation of the scene, keeping the emotional intensity and the flow of the original:
"Adriene..."
His eyes wandered aimlessly, unsure of what to say. I tightened my grip on his hand.
"Adriene... that's how you used to call me."
"!"
"Even when everyone said I was dead, gone from this world. Even when everyone called me Blie... you were the only one who kept calling me Adriene."
I pulled out a handkerchief from my pocket and tried to stop the blood still flowing from his wound. Roardnes didn't stop me.
"It... can't be..."
The emotion reflected in Roardnes' strangely distorted face wasn't displeasure.
"For me, who had to live as Blie, you made me want to live as Adriene."
The tears that had momentarily subsided finally burst out. I couldn't make a sound, I just let the tears fall. Roardnes' face, which had been tormented by doubts about whether I was a phantom or if this was reality, was now distorted beyond recognition. His dry, parched eyes crumpled, and then hot tears gushed out like a dam had burst. Seeing Roardnes' eyes, which had changed so desperately, I moved closer to him.
"...!"
At the same time, Roardnes pulled me towards him, holding my hand. As if caught in a whirlpool, I was instantly pulled into Roardnes' arms. His arms tightened around me forcefully. He was trembling as much as I was, having witnessed him trying to take his own life. A muffled sob was boiling just below his throat. This was the first time I had been so desperately embraced by someone. The silent weeping continued for a long time. As I felt his tears flowing down my neck, I gently pushed him away.
***
Against the backdrop of the night sky, a starry interior was before my eyes. His lips, which I had always considered sensual, trembled.
"I thought... you were really dead."
Ah.
"I couldn't... properly convey my feelings."
Ah, could he really believe this absurd situation? As Roardnes began to speak, believing me, my heart swelled.
"Even if I had gone to your wedding, even if it had felt like my heart was being ripped out, I would have at least been able to remember you with a bright smile on your face in your wedding dress."
I suffered every day, thinking such stupid thoughts. Roardnes' wet face, as if all the resentment pent up in his heart was flowing out with tears, whispered.
"When I heard you were dead, I couldn't sleep at night. Every time I fell asleep, I dreamed that you were crying."
I kept dying like that.
"And Blie Acacia..."
He lowered his head. His shoulders, which I had always thought were broad, trembled precariously.
"Every time I saw you in this woman's eyes... I wanted to help you just like when I first met you, and I cursed myself for having those feelings."
A trembling voice, as if making a confession, continuously flowed into my ears.
"The moment I confirmed your death, I felt that I couldn't leave you alone in that cold, dark underground prison. So..."
The thought that I should follow you and be by your side made me lose my mind.
"But you, you..."
"Ann."
The moment I said 'Ann,' his face contorted again, and tears streamed down endlessly.
"You asked me to take you to the starlit hill..."
How could I forget that? It was a cruel thing to say to him as he continued to sob, but the tears sparkling in the starlight were so poignant that I couldn't look away.
"...I'm glad."
Ah, this was the voice of Ann that I had imagined. Now, I felt like I was dreaming.
"Really... I'm so glad. That I... that I..."
A low, gentle, and sweet voice, as if crawling along the ground.
"...didn't betray you."
Because I was drawn back to you. It felt like his murmured words were shattering and remaking everything about me. His immense love, which had almost suffocated me with the fear of betraying him by being drawn to him again, was no longer something that suffocated me. It was a force that was carefully shaping my shattered soul, molding me into Adriene Pyreta, not Blie Acacia. Even if everyone in the world called me Blie Acacia, in front of this man, I could be Adriene. Without any acting, without any lies. Just that fact alone made the excruciating loneliness I had felt, like I was the only one left in the world, fly away to the far ends of the sky.
***
"Noevian Trovika, I'll kill him."
"!"
"You stay out of this dangerous business."
Roardnes' face, which had been soaked in tears, hardened like ice. His words, spoken with a breathy voice, were quite shocking. This was after I had briefly explained the current situation. Roardnes, who had been sitting slumped, grabbed my arm gently and stood up, his eyes shining. It was just before dawn, when the sun was beginning to rise. With his hand on the hilt of his sword, he stroked it firmly with his thumb, looking determined to end everything in a different way. If I had nodded even slightly, he would have immediately mounted his horse and ridden off like a knight who had just received an order. But I didn't want to stain Ann's hands with my past mistakes. I sighed deeply. This was exactly why I hadn't wanted to bring Ann into this.
"I appreciate your help, but you should be the one staying out of this."
Roardnes turned his head towards me immediately. His eyes flickered dangerously.
"The end of a love filled with deceit..."
Roardnes' eyes widened at the word 'love' coming from my mouth. He immediately realized that 'deceitful love' referred to Noevian. Staring at Roardnes with dark eyes, I continued.
"My foolish and naive past mistakes..."
Roardnes' hand, which was tightly gripping my arm as if I were about to disappear, was trembling.
"...Let me end it with my own hands."
Taking his trembling hand in mine, I looked into his eyes and said, shining with determination.
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