“Wait, wait. Varen, hold on!”
“Why. We couldn’t all day.”
“That’s why— mmph.”
There was no strength at all in the hand pushing against Varen’s thick shoulders. Sometimes I found myself ridiculous.
Of course, kissing him felt good. A dragon’s sweet saliva soothed my exhausted body and mind.
But that wasn’t the only reason.
“Ha— Varen, get a grip! Hey, hey! This isn’t the time!”
I grabbed fistfuls of golden hair with both hands and forcibly pulled Varen’s head away.
But instead of the scolding I’d prepared, something else slipped out when I saw his face.
“...You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you.”
“What do you mean.”
“Why do you make that face. It weakens people.”
Every so often, Varen looked lonely, his eyes soaked in sadness. When I felt that desolation, that longing for warmth, I found it impossible to push him away.
But hugging him again was also a problem, with his body already burning hot.
After a brief moment of deliberation, I stroked his hair and slipped out from beneath him. I sat back against the bed’s headboard, facing him.
This was the middle of a city crawling with guards searching for Varen. At least one of us had to keep a clear head. Just as I was about to reason with him that this wasn’t the time—
“Ceryl, do you hate touching me that much?”
Varen preempted me with a gloomy voice. He withdrew obediently, lowering his sad eyes.
“You’re really strange. I can feel that you love me, and I know you enjoy touching me. Then why do you push me away every time?”
“.......”
“I don’t understand your heart.”
The words hit dead center, stabbing straight into my conscience. I clutched my left chest, which throbbed almost physically, and averted my gaze.
I had deliberately avoided conversations like this until now. I didn’t have an answer yet, and I didn’t want to hurt Varen in any way.
But my lukewarm attitude, meant to protect him, seemed to have hurt him even more.
For his sake and mine, it was time to sort out this deadlocked relationship.
Rubbing at my heated eyes, I answered in a small voice.
“It’s... because I don’t understand my own feelings either, Varen.”
“What does that mean.”
“Exactly what it sounds like. I don’t know.”
No matter how hard I tried not to show it, my flushing face betrayed my emotions. I was dying of embarrassment, yet Varen stared at me without blinking.
“Mm. I guess you’re right. I do lo... love you, but it’s complicated.”
“Why is love complicated.”
“Well, more precisely... um....”
My head spun as heat rushed up. I touched my burning forehead, fanned myself, rubbed my face dry—restless, flustered.
I chose and discarded words again and again, but no matter how hard I thought, there was no clear way to put it.
“Varen, I hate it when you’re hurting or struggling. If there’s anything I can do for you, I’ll do it. Whatever it is.”
Even if that thing was sex. If it meant not hurting Varen, I could offer my body without hesitation.
“If you want, I can sleep with you. But... that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you.”
“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“I told you. I don’t really understand myself.”
Frustrated, I tugged at my hair. Varen reached out, stopping me, gently tapping my hand as if to calm me.
With my hand held in his, we faced each other. Varen’s expression was hard to read today.
“So... Varen, when I think about you, everything gets complicated.”
“.......”
“I want to do anything for you, but to be honest... it’s still too awkward for me.”
“What’s awkward.”
My ears burned so hot it felt like my heart was beating in them. I’d never made such an embarrassing confession in my life.
“Being like that... with another man. I’m still... not used to it....”
After we’d gone through rut together, a hundred and eight worldly agonies plagued me dozens of times a day.
Self-justification that it was for Varen’s sake and the feeling that I’d made a drunken mistake alternated in tormenting me.
Since I was already laying my heart bare, I buried my face in my palms and continued.
“It’s really awkward, but that doesn’t mean I want to hurt you.”
“.......”
“I’d rather give you what you want than watch you get hurt because of me. So....”
“I understand, Ceryl. You can stop.”
Varen cut me off and tugged at one of my hands. When I lifted my head, he kissed the back of my hand and met my eyes.
“Ceryl, I don’t want to force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”
“.......”
“If you’re this troubled, it’s better for me to be the one who gets hurt. You can stop.”
Even his lips against the back of my hand radiated heat. Varen said it was fine, comforting me instead.
This wasn’t right. With my free hand, I ruffled my bangs.
“Varen, I hate it when you’re upset.”
“I hate it when you’re uncomfortable.”
I had thought our feelings for each other were different. But now that I looked at it, maybe they weren’t so different after all.
I wanted to give in to what Varen wanted rather than hurt him.
Varen was willing to endure it himself rather than make me uncomfortable.
Consideration and affection for the other—their direction and warmth were much the same.
“Honestly, we’re both idiots.”
“Indeed. This is the first time something’s been this difficult.”
When I let out a weak, deflated laugh, Varen smiled back gently.
Even so, he didn’t stop pressing soft, deliberate kisses against the back of my hand. I let him, then slowly curled my fingers at the ticklish sensation.
Varen straightened and this time placed a light kiss on my forehead.
“Ceryl, let me ask you one thing.”
With a gentle touch, he traced the line of my face, lightly lifting my chin so I had to look up.
“Do you hate kissing me too?”
“.......”
“I thought you enjoyed it, since it smells sweet every time our lips meet.”
Forced to meet his eyes, I was pierced right through. Exposed by a dragon’s perception, I grumbled petulantly.
“Hey, that’s just... because of your saliva.”
Varen rolled his eyes as if thinking, then slowly leaned down.
Just moments ago he’d said he wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t want it, yet now his lips hovered close enough to touch.
I stiffened slightly from the tension, but Varen didn’t kiss me right away. He only caressed my face, exchanging gazes.
When he still showed no sign of closing the distance, I spoke first.
“...What are you doing?”
As I spoke, the flesh between us brushed so close it was almost contact.
I asked what he was doing, but Varen still didn’t answer. Instead, he applied a bit more pressure with his fingertips, stroking my cheek as if urging me on.
His intent was obvious. Should I let this pass, or not. I shot him a sideways look, but he only turned his head away slightly, waiting for my signal.
“Haa... fine. How am I supposed to win against you.”
In the end, I closed my eyes and lifted my chin further. The lips that had only been brushing now met mine.
And Varen kissed me differently than usual. He didn’t pounce hungrily, nor did he tangle his tongue thickly until I couldn’t breathe.
He tasted me carefully, cautiously. He gently nipped at the soft inner flesh of my lips, then slowly let go, repeating it again and again.
“Mmh....”
The teasing kiss made my breathing grow more ragged. Without realizing it, my arms moved, gripping Varen’s shoulders.
For a long while, those playful, bird-like kisses continued. It was a completely different sensation from deep, intense kisses, and my fingertips tingled.
Only after our lips were thoroughly damp did Varen pull away. I tried to hide my labored breathing, holding my breath.
“Ceryl, how was that just now?”
“...What do you mean.”
“The kiss without saliva. Did it feel good?”
Only then did I understand why Varen had acted differently.
He’d been curious whether I would still react to kissing that was nothing but lips, without a dragon’s saliva that could heat a human just by being swallowed.
I calmly examined my feelings. Having sex with Varen was burdensome, both mentally and physically.
But honestly, kissing him was becoming more and more intoxicating.
Since I’d decided to be honest with him today, I spoke the words that had risen to my throat.
“Sorry. The saliva thing was just an excuse.”
“What excuse.”
“It doesn’t matter. Honestly... kissing you feels good.”
The blue eyes facing me wavered.
At some point, Varen had positioned himself between my legs as I sat leaning against the bed’s headboard.
Only then did I realize our posture, swallowing dryly. This time, that sound was the signal, and Varen leaned in again.
“Oh, right. There’s something you’re forgetting. In a few hours, my appearance will return—”
“Gyaaaah!!”
At that moment, Morpha burst into the room, throwing open the old inn door.
