Chapter 178: I Never Wanted That
"I love you, Richard," she said. "I do. I love you."
"Then stay."
Her mouth trembled. "That is why I cannot. I have spent too much of my life being carried from one decision to another...And somehow every person who reaches for me eventually decides that because they saved me, they have a right to decide what becomes of me."
Richard’s face tightened with pain. "I never wanted that."
"I know," she whispered. "That is why this hurts." Livia wiped at her cheeks. She drew a shaky breath. "I think it is time I save myself...I think it is time I stand on my own two feet and fight back. I cannot keep waiting and letting people fix my life and in turn believe they own me."
"I do not think that," Richard argued.
Livia looked at him, and the tenderness in her eyes nearly destroyed him. "I know," she whispered. "I know you do not."
"Then let me help you."
"No, Richard. I need to fight my battles."
Livia touched Richard’s chest lightly, right over his heart. "Let me fight my battle...And I want you to stay away from it. Please."
Richard’s breath left him. There were tears in his eyes now. He did not care. Let people carry the tale back to Kingsmere that the Duke of Kingsmere had wept in the road for the woman he loved.
What use was pride now?
"I..." His voice failed him. He tried again. "You are asking me to rip out my own heart."
"Please," she whispered. "One last sacrifice for me."
Richard shook his head. "I cannot let you do this."
"You cannot stop me."
"I know." The admission was agony. "I know I cannot. But I can offer you something else."
Her eyes searched his.
"We can leave England," he said quickly. "We do not have to go to France. We can go somewhere else. Italy," he said, seizing the thought. "Yes. Florence. Your birthplace. Your home. We can start again there. No one deciding anything for us."
Livia closed her eyes.
"We can marry quietly. Live quietly. I do not need England. Diana, please," he said.
She opened her eyes and smiled through the tears. It was the saddest smile he had ever seen. "I was looking forward to being your wife. I was...I imagined it. I imagined being yours and not feeling owned."
"You can still have that."
"No." She shook her head. "Not now."
"Why?"
"Because I would be running again. And this time, I would be running with you. I would make you my hiding place, and one day you will hate me for it. My life is broken...Everywhere I am, everywhere I turn, I glimpse at happiness and something goes wrong. I do not want to be saved anymore. I do not want to owe anyone anymore. I do not want to be grateful anymore. I have nothing more to lose except my life now."
"I will let you go on one condition," Richard said. "Listen to me. Please. I have listened to you. I am doing the one thing every part of me is screaming not to do. I am standing here, watching the woman I love walk away from me into Whitehall. Whitehall is...its...dangerous." He couldn’t explain. He couldn’t tell her the monster that was the Queen mother. A woman who had killed seven of her step sons without batting an eyelid.
Livia’s lips trembled.
"So give me this," he said. "One thing. One condition. Just one thing so I can breathe while you are gone."
Livia looked at him, wary and heartbroken. "Whitehall is not where I am going. I hear there is a place I am to be."
"Still," he said carefully, "do me this one favour."
Livia swallowed. "What is that?"
"Let Tabitha be your lady’s maid."
Of all the things he could have asked, that clearly had not been one she expected.
"She has spent most of her life terrifying me. I assure you, no one owns Mrs. Crowe."
Livia let out a shaky breath.
"She will protect you," Richard said.
"I am trying to stop being protected."
"Then let her advise. Let her stand beside you until you can come back to me. Diana, I am not asking you to take me. I am not asking you to let me fight this battle for you. I am asking that you let Tabitha come with you," he said. "Please. So I know when you do need me, someone will reach for me."
Livia sighed in his arms and nodded. He tilted her chin up with careful fingers. Her face was still wet. So was his. The wind moved between them, cold against the damp tracks on their cheeks. Behind them, Lionel sat rigidly on his horse.
"I am going to kiss you now," Richard said, "with everyone watching."
"I do not care."
For days they had been careful. And now, when everything was already ruined, she did not care who saw.
Richard gave one sad smile and bent his head, giving her a too soft, too broken kiss. Their mouths met gently, and both of them tasted grief, and the terrible unfairness of the world.
I am here.
I am yours.
I will wait until you call. He thought to himself.
When Livia stepped back, he let her. That was the hardest thing he had ever done.
*****
Bella could not sit still. Whitehall had erupted into chaos the moment whispers spread that the king had gone mad.
Of course no one said it plainly. Bella knew it had something to do with Diana. It had to. Diana had entered Theodora’s apartments. Then Theodora had forbidden Bella from going to Henry, which meant she knew Bella would try. And shortly after, the palace had cracked open with news that Henry was locked in his chamber, raving and wounded.
If no one would tell her anything plainly, she decided to ask the woman responsible.
The Queen Mother.
