Chapter 109: The Round About Way
I’ll keep going forward. I’ll keep fighting. Even if the meaning doesn’t exist. I’ll either find my own or create one.
Because stopping is the only real failure I’ll acknowledge.
But now that I am thinking about it... It really was a roundabout method of thinking, wasn’t it?
...
I feel like...
Something is wrong with me... I’ve always felt this emptiness within me.
But this emptiness... isn’t loud, nor does it scream or claw away at me from the back of my mind. It just sits there, quietly, like a shadow mimicking the movements of a person for them to not notice until they look.
It’s weird; sometimes I think it’s been with me longer than any memory I have, as if it were woven into me before I even learned how to speak, and the more I grow, the more I realise that it can’t be filled or fixed. It’s not a wound or a flaw in my opinion; it’s a quiet reminder that something fundamental is missing within me or maybe was never meant to be there in the first place.
And the more I think, the more unsettling it becomes.
Because if something was missing from the very start, then what does that mean for the rest of me? Incomplete? Inhuman? Or just different in a way that I can’t even articulate it.
Maybe that’s why I think the way I do, talk the way I do, and act the way I do. Maybe that’s why I spiral into these long, winding thoughts that loop back on themselves. It’s not because I’m searching for meaning, but maybe it’s because I’m trying to fill the silence with something, anything even, if it’s just the sound of my own reasoning collapsing on itself.
But maybe...
I don’t know.
Maybe the human mind was never meant to move in straight lines. Maybe we’re designed to loop, to wander, to double back on ourselves. Maybe the only way we can face the truth is by approaching it sideways, never head‑on, because if we looked at it directly, it would swallow us whole.
Because forward, even in circles, is still forward in the end.
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