Chapter 66- I'm Ruined (Part 1)
"Huh? I don't really get it." Rin titled his quizically.
The way Elise phrased it sounded mysterious especially when she didn't give any context prior to that.
"You don't have to get it." Looking back at him, she said with a serene look on her face.
Anyone would've thought that she was fine and that Rin had nothing to worry about at all. In fact, Elise was so good at hiding what she was thinking that no one could discern it at all. But, Rin felt different at that moment. He, with his own eyes, saw the flash of emotions that passed through her eyes for a split second there and then vanished completely.
'So she's hiding it.' Rin thought with a complicated gaze.
For some reason, he felt his chest tighten at that moment. The fact that she hid it from him was unpleasant. He knew that she had every right of keeping her secrets and also had every right not to trust Rin enough to tell him. However, he could not stop himself from feeling disappointed.
"I know that you are lying, Elise."
"Hmm?"
"But it's ok… I understand."
"No, it's not really the case…. It's just…" Averting her eyes, Elise didn't finish her sentence but Rin was able to understand the meaning.
"I see… Well, I can't force you to tell me. It's not like we are that close." He scratched his head with an awkward laugh.
Elise merely looked at his face silently. The words he said at that moment didn't sit well with her at all. In fact, she was amazed at how much she hated them. Her heart and mind were telling her that she was doing the wrong thing but she didn't get why it was the case.
Elise had never felt like this before she was rightfully confused.
After that, he stood up and continued.
"Anyway, I think I should leave before the maid comes back. We will talk later."
The whole time, Rin kept his face as calm as possible and even tried to smile a little but deep inside, he could only accept it how it was.
'I really overestimated myself. Hahaha! I'm such an idiot. Why did I even think I had the right to ask her about her past? Sigh, I should lay some boundaries. Keeping it as professional as possible is the right thing to do. We are just partners that coincidentally ended up entangled in the same mess and we share similar goals.'
When he reached the window, he readied himself to jump. But, a calm voice stopped him.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you… My past… It's really disgusting and horrible. It will definitely make you change your ideas about me…. and I don't want that." Elise said with some difficulty.
On the blanket, he could see her hand trembling slightly at the mere thought of those memories.
Rin was stunned in his place for a second before he shook his head.
"The past is the past, Elise. What we are today isn't what we were yesterday. You told me that, didn't you?"
"..."
"You can rightfully never tell me about it and I can accept that. I was just disappointed in myself for stepping out of our boundaries…." His eyes lingered on her face the whole time.
He could see her expression change ever-so-slightly.
"But, let me tell you this one thing… I will never change the way I treat you… I knew you for a long time, Elise. I have enough confidence in my judgment and I can safely say that you are a good person."
"Me? A good person? You are wrong. I was never… a good person." Elise's brows crescented slightly and her hands tightened into fists.
"I'm a dirty person through and through. I can never relate myself to the word 'good'. I'm just ruined, Rin."
Elise didn't know why but at that moment, her feelings started spilling out like a broken dam. She just had this urge to tell him everything and break into tears. She just wanted to get rid of this heavy weight and find salvage in someone else… to find salvage in Rin.
But, she couldn't do that. Her sins and traumas are made for her to carry for the rest of her life. They are stigmas that she has to bear with. She had no right to ask for help. Not when she was that corrupted.
'Please… just let me be.'
Silence enveloped the room. Neither Rin nor Elise spoke for a long time.
Then, Rin simply turned around and walked back toward Elise. She was taken aback at first but then waited curiously for what he was intending to do.
After he sat down, he took a deep breath.
"Can I tell you something? One of my secrets, I mean."
Elise didn't nod or shake her head. She just waited for him to talk.
"I never told anyone this before. But, my father actually died when I was young and… I was the one who killed him."
Rin said with a sad smile. He had never thought he will pull out this secret here and in front of Elise.
"How… How did he die?" Elise asked cautiously.
"At the time, I was around 9 or 10 years old. He always would take me to and from school as it was way too far. But, being the childish brat that I was, I wanted to stay and play with my friends. Just seeing them through the window of the car as they played and laughed while I had to just go home right away. I remember lashing out at him multiple times just because he didn't allow me to stay and play with them."
"..."
Rin's head arched up as he took a couple of deep breaths before closing his eyes and continuing.
"One time, I just had enough of it. I didn't want to go home at all. So, I decided to sneak out of school along with a couple of my friends. We were about to go to the arcade to play and I was just thrilled to just escape and have some fun. As we were walking, I was just so excited that I could only run ahead of them to reach the place first. But, because of my excitement, I didn't notice the green light being on and I just crossed the street without a care in the world."
Rin could still vividly remember that scene, bit by bit, second by second. Hell, he remembers it clearer than something he did a few hours ago. It was just etched deep into his soul.
"A car came rushing toward me. My body froze in its place as I watched the car approach me quickly. I just felt that I was really about to die at that moment. However, at the last second, the driver turned the wheel to the far right. The sudden turn made the car twist and then eventually smash into a wall. The accident was so violent that half of the car was blown into pieces. People quickly came rushing to save the driver while I was still frozen in my place from fear. But, when I saw the person they pulled out from the car, I just couldn't believe it. It was my father, bloodied from head to toe. I don't recall much after that but what I know is that he died on the spot because of the accident. No, I killed him with my own hands."
Elise's eyes widened slightly and a small frown appeared on her face. Her mind couldn't come up with words to say at all.
"Since then, I was unable to forgive myself. The thought that my own father died because of my own recklessness just ate away from my sanity. You know what made me hate myself even more? It's the fact neither my sister nor my mother blamed me for it. They cried, hugged me, and tried to assure me with all kinds of kind words. They knew that I was the reason for his death yet they didn't despise me for it at all. That made me blame myself even harder. I just wanted them to hate me, to curse at me, or even hit me again and again just so that I don't destroy myself even more than that because of self-hatred. But, they did nothing of that sort. In fact, I felt that they got closer to me after that. That day, I swore on myself to carry the blame for the rest of my life and to protect the two of them even if it meant I die because of it. I had to atone for my sin or I can never face my father again. But here we are, I lost all of them and I am the one to blame for being a fucking moron through and through. I swore to protect them but failed at doing that miserably. Hahaha!" He laughed mockingly at himself.
After saying all of that, Rin bent forward and rested his arms on his knees.
"It was also the same time when my life started changing for the worse."
(A//N: Finally revealing some of Rin's dark past. He isn't as normal as he seems to be.)
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