Chapter 193 - Pale In Comparison (1)
Su Xiaofei found it foolish that she was asking him this question. Hadn't she always been selfish and wanted everything to go her way, refusing to back down whenever she was opposed by someone?
And yet, here she was, asking for something incredulous from Lu Qingfeng. She had been extremely selfish in the past, and look where it led her. If she were to be selfish again and love recklessly, who could say that she wouldn't hurt Lu Qingfeng in the future?
She had already witnessed how he led a lonely life because of her, and she wasn't willing to allow Lu Qingfeng to suffer the same thing all over again.
"Xiaofei, how could you ask this question? You should know by now that each of us has our own self-interest to protect. You ask if you can be selfish, but does it matter? As long as it makes you happy, I'm willing to do everything to keep that smile on your face."
Su Xiaofei bit her lip, feeling ashamed for becoming such a mess in front of him. She heard Lu Qingfeng sighed and saw him pull a clean handkerchief from his pocket, before gently drying her tears from her face.
"Hush now. There's no need for this, right? What would people say if they saw you crying like this? They might even think that I'm bullying you." He murmured in a gentle tone, which he only used on her.
Su Xiaofei chuckled and snatched the handkerchief from his hands, wiping her tears on her own.
Lu Qingfeng waited for her to calm down. She must have been thinking of what she experienced in her past life.
"Xiaofei, if you think you are the only one who is selfish, you are mistaken. Human beings are essentially selfish creatures. We're apparently ruthless, with strong impulses to compete against each other for resources and to accumulate power and possessions. If we are kind to one another, it's usually because we have ulterior motives. If we are good, it's only because we managed to control and transcend our innate selfishness and brutality. There's always a reason behind someone's kindness."
"Then why are you so kind to me?" Su Xiaofei questioned him.
From the moment they met when they were younger, he was always by her side, ready to help her when she was in need of it. Lu Qingfeng would always help her, regardless if she was in the wrong or not, without asking for anything in return.
The young man gave her a weak smile and shook his head. After experiencing more than one rebirth, Lu Qingfeng wondered if his obsession towards her was the reason why he couldn't let go.
Su Xiaofei felt her heart skip a beat at the sound of the deep timbre of his voice, her body unconsciously turning to face him to look at him, looking at his eyes that were watching her calmly. She bit her lower lip, unsure of where to take their conversation. His long fingers reached out to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear, surprising her.
"My apologies. I didn't mean to make you cry." Lu Qingfeng told her.
She shook her head, dismissing his words. It was her own fault and stupidity that had brought her to tears, not him.
"That's not it, Xiao Feng…"
"Then what is it?" He asked in return. "You know, Xiaofei, ever since you were hospitalized, I feel like you have changed so much. I bet Aunty Qing and Xi Qian also noticed it, but please don't make us worry too much."
Su Xiaofei nodded, knowing fully well that they had certainly noticed the sudden change not only in her demeanor, but also her attitude towards other people.
"Is this about Mo Yuchen then?"
"Partly, yes." She admitted. There was no point in lying to him, when a part of her wanted to allow herself to indulge in his love.
"I'm scared, Xiao Feng. I don't want to lose myself ever again." She said weakly, feeling a little pathetic that a proud, arrogant woman had been reduced to a crippled, forgotten woman who had lost everything in her past life.
"And I'm also scared of getting really close to someone…" Su Xiaofei rubbed her arms and looked away, a habit that Lu Qingfeng knew she had whenever something upset her.
Su Xiaofei didn't want to be together with him out of guilt, but she had to admit that she was now somewhat attracted towards him.
"Are you afraid to say yes because you are worried about me, or because you are worried that I would also turn my back on you?"
Su Xiaofei turned to look up at the young man beside her, his eyes sincere.
"The latter…"
She saw his head leaning closer towards her, but this time, Su Xiaofei wasn't surprised by his kiss. His lips pressed firmly onto hers, and she relaxed into the kiss, her own lips tentatively pressing back. Her fingers slowly reached to touch the hand that was cupping her cheek.
Su Xiaofei felt a slight quiver in her heart at the touch of their lips, something that she had never experienced when she was with Mo Yuchen before. Despite Lu Qingfeng being younger and inexperienced, she could feel the sincerity of his words and actions.
When they parted, there was a slight smile on his lips as he wiped the remaining wetness on her cheeks.
"I just don't want to be broken again." Su Xiaofei whispered quietly, "that's all…"
"The last thing I want to do is to break your heart, Feifei. Although I'm still young and there's still so much for me to learn and experience, I still want to be the one by your side. I'm only leaving to study and to train in Shenjing. I'm not going to forget you, and I won't allow you to do the same."
Lu Qingfeng had lost her twice already.. He wouldn't allow her to forget him this time.
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