My face loosened a bit and a few tears drop fell down my eye. It felt amazing to see her like that again. Her smooth, silky hair was falling down in front of her face improperly because and she was breathing heavily. I could see that she was running all the way here to come to get to me. My face was relieved seeing her like that but it instantly dropped remembering what exactly was going to happen now.
"No mom, get out of here!" I shouted from my place but I soon remembered, no one could hear me. This was just a mere memory in my mind. No matter what I did right now, wouldn’t change anything at all. That was even worse, I have to see all this happen right before me.
Like this?
No.
It cannot.
I won’t be able to handle it.
"STOP!" I shouted.
CRACK
A little crack happened in the image of my mother, the five men, and then the place. My eyes turned towards my younger self of me who was the only one who didn’t have a crack on him and then.
The entire thing broke down, my mom, the five guys, and the place. The entire memory stopped and broke down.
Everything but my younger self.
It felt unreal though.
Why? Because this time, my younger self, bruised and on the ground had his eyes fixed on me who was standing right beside him.
"Who are you?" much to my surprise, my younger self asked me. He looked around and slowly stood up. "What happened? I was left behind, t-those men, m-mom! MOM! Where is mom?! Hey, where did mom go? Mom? MOM?!"
The boy started frantically running around the place calling out to our mom. He ran towards me for looking that way but I grabbed him by his hand stopping him.
"What are you doing? Let me go," he said pulling on the hand and trying to break free. "I need to f- "
"She’s safe," I said with a hint of a sad tone in my voice but my younger self didn’t notice that. He looked up at me and his eyes were saying "really?" and I just nodded. "Mom is safe, I promise."
"Mom? But she is my mother, why are you calling her mom?" he said and tilted his head in confusion. "Who are you?"
"I’m you," I said looking at the little boy and I pat his head. "I’m you but older. You’re my younger self, part of my memory."
"Huh? How is that possible though?" he said and I chuckled a little.
"I honestly have no idea. This place…it seems different this time, it feels different," I said looking around in the mindscape. "I for one have no idea what is going on in this place myself even though it’s a direct representation of my mind. It’s darker than usual, and has this weird wall that turned me completely black which reminds me…" I looked at myself seeing I was back to normal. "Looks like it was only till the memory was being played. And now, I’m talking to my younger self as if he is right before me."
"What are you even saying?" he said and his eyes widened. "You said, mom is safe, but where is she? Why can’t I see her? If I am here, she should be someone here too."
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"She’s not here," I said to him and he started looking around again. "I said, she is not here," this time, I spoke in a more commanding voice making the little boy stop what he was doing. "Look, I know that you are worried about mom and that you want her to be safe but trust me, she is safe. Whatever was supposed to happen to her in my memory has stopped. I made it stopped."
"Whatever that was supposed to happen?" he asked confused about what I was saying is all vague.
My eyes scanned him from up and down and I vaguely remember me looking like this. With very short-cut hair, and a t-shirt bigger than his normal size so that when he grows bigger, he wouldn’t need to buy another one and waste money. The innocent curiosity in his eyes, the tears around them and bruises on his body, and the short pants that mom always loved when I wore.
It felt so surreal being here in this position.
No, this is not real, to begin with.
All this is in my mind after all. In this mindscape. I would wake up today and the younger self of me would be hidden in my memories yet again trapped in those chains of the past where he belonged. This self of me shouldn’t be right before me in the first place and it’s better that he doesn’t know things he is not supposed to.
He is still relieved that his mother was there to save him and his face had relaxed a bit because of that. It would be wrong on my side to break his delusions. To tell him the truth.
I tell him that not only our mother but also our father was killed then and there.
"Nothing happened to her, she is safe and she will also save you, she did actually," I started speaking sweet lies to the boy. "She called the police and they were going to arrive and take all those men under custody."
"Really?" he asked me happily hearing the exact words he was wanting to hear and I nodded. "Yaay! Mom is safe."
He jumped around happily raising his hands and cheering. It made a little smile on my face appear and I just watched him being happy thinking nothing happens to his mom. His mom because the one he is having in his mind, the one he is thinking about being safe, isn’t safe at all.
"So, how do you feel?" I asked the boy and he stopped cheering and looked at me. "About being left behind by your friends, being abandoned."
The boy’s face turned dark and he looked down clenching his fist. I could feel the anger emitting from the boy. He started to hate the mention of the boys. Exactly how I felt, the moment, their silhouette passed the exit, the bond of friendship we held was broken then and there. Since then, they were nothing but random faces and names to whom I had no relations to.
"Hey, do you think, what the man said? Is it true?" he asked me.
"What did the man say?"
"That the only person one should trust is themselves, and no one else. Does that mean I cannot trust anyone in this world?" he asked me looking up with tears in his eyes. "Because if that’s true, I cannot trust mom and dad too? Is that what he meant? Everyone in my life is going to leave me like this?"
The tears in his eyes start to well up and I could hear the exact words resonate in my mind and I blank out for one minute in my own memory.
"Only person one should trust is themselves, no one else. Does that mean I cannot trust anyone Natsumi-san?" I asked while crying clinging onto the soft fabric of my mother’s best friend. "Because if that’s true, I cannot trust even you? Is that what he meant? Everyone in my life is going to leave me like this? Even you are going to leave me like this?"
I cried and cried in her arms and she gently hugged me pressing my face into her chest and patting my hair. I grabbed her dress with my little arms and they shook in fear. I didn’t want that to be true, I didn’t want the people I trusted, every single one of them to one day maybe abandons me. I felt that once before, it’s scary. You feel helpless. It feels like nothing in the world can now stop the feeling that is coursing through you.
I placed my hand on the head of my younger self and repeated the exact same words that were told to me that day. The words that saved me. These words gave me hope to go on after the tragedy that happened.
"No, that’s not true. What you saw back then was the example of a person making all the wrong choices at the wrong time with the wrong people. People only get betrayed by other people when they get too close to them and give all their trust to those people. Not even thinking twice before that," I said and kneeled down giving him a hug. He wrapped his arms around my neck holding onto me and I pat his head. "You will find amazing people in the future Kazuki. Ones that will not leave your side no matter what. Ones you can trust with all your heart to keep you safe and themselves too and ones who you can count on even in the moments of death. The only thing you need to do is be wise enough to choose those people. I’m sure you are wise enough for that, right?"
"I…think…" he said and slowly, his image too started to fade away.
"There is no thinking here, you have to do it no matter what. A person only learns through the mistakes of himself and others so learn from these mistakes. The ones that you made and make sure to never repeat them, okay?" I said and he nodded his head. He stopped to cry and look at me. A bright smile appeared on his face and he cheered.
"Okay," he said, and then he disappeared into nothingness.
"That was interesting," I said and lay down on the black floor staring into nothing. Suddenly, the floor under me started cracking and the place started to light up with a bright light. "About time isn’t it."
Thus, I woke up.
My eyes looked around the room. The feeling of something really cold and soft and a little wet was felt on my shoulder. I looked to my side seeing Ai sleeping with her head resting on her shoulder and she was drooling in her sleep.
"Nngh…Kazu-kun…" she muttered in her tightening her grip on me.
I chuckled seeing the cute side and wiped the drool off her lips. My face got closer to hers and so did my lips. Not able to hold myself back, I kissed Ai’s lips and held her close to me gently moving my lips against her quietly kissing her. With each time our lips met, with each breath that I exhaled, and with each tick of the clock. My mind got filled with thoughts of the half-vampire as I kept kissing her lips and soon even her face.
"Mmmh?" she let out a noise and slowly opened her eyes. "K-Kazu-kun?" She started blushing to see me this close to her first thing in the morning.
"Good morning beautiful," I said and kissed her lips again and pulled back. I looked at her but she kept her eyes closed and had her lips pointed out wanting more.
I chuckled and then kissed her again, but she still didn’t change it.
"So that’s how we are playing?" I said teasingly kissing her deeply this time, having my arms pull her close to me by her waist and my tongue entering her mouth.
Yes, I have found the people I can trust in my life. One of them was already in my arms with me kissing her but even though I had known her for over a few months, this felt right. The depths of my guts told me that giving my life in the hands of this person was something I could do and she would treasure and protect it with her life.
And I was going to do the same for her. Her life is been given in my hands to be taken care of and protected and I will till my last breath. I will do anything, absolutely anything if it meant I could have her by my side.
And this is my little message to my younger self.
Don’t lose hope in everyone around you because a few of those, will never disappoint you. They will never abandon you.
They will never let you go.
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