Chapter 151: It caused his heart to weep
In Michael’s diary, it was mostly about how he missed Noah and how much he wanted him to be right next to him, speaking about the way the baby moved inside his belly for the first few months, and then it started changing into something far too unbearable.
There were scratches on the pages and dried tears accompanied by Michael’s unbearable longing and how he wanted to die.
The contents going forward were a bit hard for Noah to read because they pierced his heart like a dull knife. It was dull and worthless but it still did the job and far more painful at that.
How could he bear to keep reading? It was torture. It was a nightmare.
But he decided to keep reading. It would do him good to know every single thing and how much Michael had suffered while waiting for him in such detail.
His pain, his dreams, his hallucinations, his joy when looking at Olivia, the constant longing... All of it. They were written there.
Likewise, Noah’s diary was similar.
Though there were no dried up tears and unbearable scratches, there were times when his pen slurred through the pages and made a long line as if he had suddenly dozed off but he had been dizzy.
So dizzy that he couldn’t see the words in front of him properly. He couldn’t keep going. And while he hid his face behind his palm, he sobbed.
He missed Michael just as much as Michael missed him. In fact, his longing ignited the fire in him.
Through countless days of going head to head with the elders, finally destroying them and thinking it was finally over, only for the Lycans to appear... Through those torturous days, he had his eyes in front and all he could see was Michael smiling at him.
It was a treacherous moment for those who opposed him and tried to keep him from reuniting with his lover.
His temper got thicker and fiercer and he threw tantrums in the office, having a headache ever so often.
Medicine didn’t work and head massages didn’t work either.
It was as if he were made to live with that headache and suffer for a long time during Michael’s absence.
He threw things whenever he couldn’t take the headache or the rage building up inside him and it was left for Sebastian to clean up the mess.
He was a serious mess, trying to keep his image on the outside while at home, he’d sit down on the floor with a bottle of whiskey in his hand.
He tried his best to minimize his drinking so he could increase the efficiency of his work, but sometimes, he just needed a few drinks to make the banging in his head go silent, and then he’d hallucinate.
He’d follow the imaginary Michael to the bedroom and while sometimes he cried in his arms, apologizing for the pain he was putting him through, other nights he would have a passionate night in his hallucination, only to wake up in his bed alone and realize it was all a dream.
Sebastian had already cleaned up the mess he had made the previous night, so all that was left was for him to get ready, eat the breakfast prepared for him, along with the hangover soup, and then head to work.
That was how everything had been going for the last few years. There was no ray of sunshine in the diary. There was no sign of relief because after one battle, another kept rising.
Unlike Michael’s diary, which had a turning point where he decided to pick himself up after watching Noah’s video, Noah had no such turning point.
The suffering, longing, and headaches were constant until a week ago, when he heard his daughter’s voice for the first time.
Michael looked up from the diary, his heart throbbing painfully.
He peeked at Noah while hiding most of his face behind the journal and saw the expression on his face. The painful look in his eyes as he kept reading Michael’s diary and that sad expression.
He didn’t like it.
Yeah, it was natural for him to look that way after reading the pages of Michael’s despair but Michael did not like it.
It caused his heart to weep, especially when reading about Noah’s ordeal.
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to exchange the diaries this early on when their wounds were still so fresh.
He placed his hand on the pages, obstructing Noah’s view and Noah looked up.
"What’s wrong?" He asked with that sorry and sad look on his face and Michael sighed.
"Everything." He said. "The order is all wrong. We shouldn’t have read this so early."
"It’s fine." Noah said, smiling. "I want to know this early on."
He was smiling but why did he look like he was crying? The pages were messing with his mind already, weren’t they?
"Look, I appreciate that you want to grieve and cry on my behalf but let’s not do that on such a happy day." Michael said, snatching the diary from him. "I also want to shed tears because of the things I read but think about it. Should we really be shedding such painful tears on a day like this? We’ve just met in five years and..."
"I understand what you’re saying." Noah said, grabbing his hand. "Let’s keep them for the future."
Michael went silent for a while, and then his lips curled up as he smiled.
"You’re such a good boy." He said, scuffling Noah’s hair and Noah’s face flushed.
Where did that come from?
He watched Michael get up from the couch and head to the room with the journals in hand.
He stared even while Michael was out of sight, his heart racing from such a compliment.
He placed his hand on his chest.
This light and refreshing feeling... It had been such a long time since he felt it.
It felt so nice.
This was the kind of warmth he had yearned to hold for the past five years. He missed it. He was glad he rushed here as soon as he could.
"Daddy," Olivia had woken up and the first thing she decided to do was to check if her daddy was there.
She didn’t want to imagine it was all a dream and seeing her daddy on the couch, she hurried towards him and he caught her just as she leaped from the floor.
It was dangerous but she didn’t care, knowing her daddy would catch her no matter in which direction she jumped or fell.
"Daddy is so strong." She giggled, dropping into his arms and wrapping her little arms around his neck. "And daddy is so warm."
Noah was still trying to get used to this feeling but unlike the kind of warmth he got from Michael, this warmth was much more fragile and lighter.
He needed to treat this warmth with care and hold it properly but he couldn’t even try without worrying that he would break it.
"What’s wrong, daddy?" Olivia asked, noticing his awkwardness. "Olivia won’t fall?"
"What?"
"I can feel that Daddy’s scared." She said, pressing her little hand on his cheeks. "Daddy thinks Olivia will fall." She laughed. "But Olivia won’t fall because Daddy has such strong and big arms."
The level of trust this child had in him was so much that he began to feel ashamed that he couldn’t see what she could see.
Yes, she was right. There was no way he would let her fall since he was big and strong, but that was where the problem lay. Because he was so strong, it worried him that he could break her by mistake.
This little daughter of his.
"She’s not that fragile." Michael said, walking in as if he had read Noah’s mind.
"Papa," Olivia announced in a cheerful tone.
"I can see what you’re worried about but trust me, she’s not that frail. She’s your daughter, after all." He smirked and Noah’s heart thumped.
His daughter. Because she was his daughter, she was strong. But she was also Michael’s daughter and Michael so far had been... He thought back. Ah, there was never a moment when Michael was weak.
He may look frail, fragile, and pretty, but he was far stronger than that.
Recalling this, Noah sighed with a smile on his lips.
"I’ll still be careful," he said. "It’s my first time, after all."
"Yes, yes, we were all like that." Michael said, laughing as he took Olivia from him. "Carrying Olivia for the first time was..." He paused as his memories recollected that moment.
The moment he woke up and felt so disappointed that he did not see Noah even after going through all that, after getting his belly torn to bring out a new life... The new life was brought before him and a spark of warmth lit in his gradually freezing heart.
That spark of warmth was Olivia.
"Olivia, we’re going to head out for dinner today. Your daddy is treating us." Michael announced, and Olivia cheered. "Now, you need to take your bath, okay?"
"Yes." Olivia responded but then turned to Noah. "Today, I want Daddy to bathe me."
