The situation felt strange to Milo. He had enemies calling for his death, and monsters racing towards him. In times like this, normally, his mind would speed up, slowing down what was happening from his perspective and letting him plan out his actions and react quicker.
This time, it was just slow.
The smart snails were barely moving, although a couple had started to carefully move down their rocks, possibly in retreat. The oncoming snails would take at least two minutes to arrive, even with the accelerated speed of the red messenger snails. The fastest moving snails were two larger red and blue snails on one flank, and a much larger snail on the other flank. These were moving ahead twice as fast as the others. Milo turned to the smart snails and made another attempt at communication, paying careful attention to their eyestalks, which was the only appendage they had to communicate besides their recorded messages.
"Please, this course of action is going to end badly. Are you sure you want to continue? A lot of snails have died, and more are going to die. If you value their lives, you should stop so we can end hostilities and discuss the situation. I move for an immediate ceasefire and end to fighting."
"I DON'T DISCUSS ANYTHING WITH MORONS. A WASTE OF MY TIME!"
"This dire situation is one of your own making."
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!"
"REMEMBER, IDIOTS!!: Everyone is expendable."
"Too many snails aren't a problem, just an invasion force looking for another cave to attack!"
"We have orders to fill! Get those herds moving. If I don't get a report about a hundred snails turned to mulch, it will be your shells getting crunched tomorrow!"
Number twelve wagged his eyes with glee, "We will do great things together! Let's do lunch and talk it over!"
That comment brought more screams and hisses and dozens of repeated exclamations of "IDIOT!"
The two fast red snails arrived, coming down the left flank like fast cavalry. The smart snails gained confidence as their reinforcements arrived and yelled for Milo's death.
"Fire is good for the soul!!!"
"Crank that dial to 11!"
"It's burney time! Bring the Pitchforks."
Number twelve began a speech in a heavily sarcastic tone, and then broke into a series of songs, each more annoying that the last. "Oh, what's next? A wiener roast? Marshmallows? While we're playing with fire, maybe we should have a sing along?" His eye wiggles were all laughter, and rude gestures aimed at the other snails.
All the snails went silent as the shells of the large red snails were flipped off to reveal more large, fuzzy creatures with legs, who didn't even try to kill Milo. Rosie and Buttercup ran up to the little snails, picking them up and looking at each one, causing the smart snails to scream in terror. The girls were not happy with the color of their shells.
Buttercup looked pleadingly at Milo, "What are you going to do with the cute little shouty snails? They aren't very pretty, and they smell a little stinky. But they aren't smooshed yet. Can we keep them? We can polish their shells and paint them up pretty!" Rosie eyed the smart snails suspiciously as they tried vainly to escape.
"I'm not sure if we want these, sister, I'd rather keep collecting the fast red snail shells, they're the prettiest." Buttercup looked at Milo and said proudly, "We snuck up on eleven of the red ones so far! It was easy. Some of the shells got broken when we broke the snails inside, but Peenhammer has some glue that will put them back together.
This brought another round of threats from the council, but with far less enthusiasm. Number twelve added, "I think it is time for the rest of the Council to put aside their petty problems and grievances and pay attention to what I say!"
Milo thought that was actually worth a try. "Girls, can you toss all these snails into one of the overturned shells and not let them get aways? I'm going to have a talk with this snail. He seems smarter than the rest."
The council hissed as they were gathered up, and tossed inside one of the shells the girls had used to disguise their commando raid on the snail messengers. Number twelve was highly amused by this. It also pointed to the oncoming snails. "I hope you don't mind, but I invited a few like minded friends to this party."
Milo pointed at the flanking snail, on the edge and a little ahead of the oncoming pack. "Of course not. I brought a friend as well."
On either side of the blue snail, sections of shell flipped down, like the hatch covers on a Man-O-War. Mechanical weapon mounts deployed, guns pointing at the advancing snails and their barrels beginning to rotate. Within a few seconds, the heavy dwarven chain guns began firing, using the upgraded ammunition with Hammersteel tips for improved penetration. Hundreds of rounds fired off and the rolling thunder drowned out the screams of pain as each target was riddled with wounds and exploded. The Council of Smart Snails took a few glances at what was going on and retreated, staying safe in their improvised prison.
In 30 seconds, it was over, and the guns retracted. The large snail advanced until it was only a few yards from Milo and Number Twelve. The small snail looked at the bigger one. "Guns on snails will never work. They are terrible at aiming, and too slow to deploy!"
The head of the large snail moved its eyestalks in a pattern that indicated laughter and superiority. Then it deflated, the 'head' going limp. Dozens of large bees that had been been filling it grabbed the edges of the shell, lifted it and moved it off of Ursula. The Bear looked at the last member of the council, and growled.
Number Twelve yelled in a high-pitched voice, different from the one the snails normally used. "Wonderful solution! We should solve all of our problems this way. YOU WIN!"
Ursula huffed and accepted the surrender. Milo sat in front of Number twelve, using a finger and his tail to mimic eyestalk movements. "Now that we have no more distractions, tell me about this Master."
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Meanwhile, two brave scouts were running for their lives, pursued by screaming, mutated snails rapidly chasing them through the tunnels. They had zigged once when they should have zagged to avoid a swooping flock of blood red bats with enormous fangs. This had put them on a downward spiral that led them deeper and deeper into the caverns. The tunnels were huge, dank, and coated in slippery slime left by the large, poisonous slugs that inhabited these levels. The poisonous slime wasn't enough to get past their resistance, gained from training with Old Healer and Professor Cremona, but it smelled bad and was very slippery. They were often sliding quickly down the tunnels, followed by the monstrosities following them who also enjoyed slime-surfing. Despite all of this, they had kept their usual ability to find a silver lining in horrible situations, even when they ran out of tunnel at the edge of a deep pit.
"This is exciting! Going to new places, and finding new creatures that want to kill us! I am so happy that we let the bees run the puppet show."
"Yes brother, lovely. I so enjoy running while terrified of being killed, lost in dark tunnels. It reminds me of the games we used to play with Char and Petey."
"Except the snail-things are serious about killing us."
"So was Char, brother, so was Char. But I am thankful for her training."
"We should have kept our job as puppet masters, it would have kept us from this unfortunate encounter. I blame the bees, for being better puppeteers."
"No, no. The bees were right. The snails didn't appreciate our friendly gestures and interpreted them as rude slurs. The bear got into a lot of fights with us in charge of the head. After they took over, our disguise was perfect, if a little cramped with us also on top of the bear. They are very smart bees. I had no idea they spoke snail."
"Luckily, we had our old jobs to fall back on."
"Yes...lucky us. And we have found a lucky 'Pit-of-Doom' like the one Char fell into."
"I notice a very small ledge beneath us, about fifty feet down. Do you think we could crawl down to it?"
"Assuredly, brother. But slowly, and the snails would be watching, laughing, and drooling acidic drool on us. I also note many have tentacles far longer than fifty feet."
"True. So we need to get rid of the snails."
"I am all ears, brother. Do you have a plan?"
"I don't."
"Milo would have a plan....."
"Milo cheats! He looks at all the little variables around him, then uses 'Math'...."
"And physics. I like physics, especially the part about "objects in motion stay in motion". It explains so much about why dodging in midair is difficult."
"hmmm, the snails are in motion....and the slime is slippery....we just don't want them to stop before the cliff..."
"A good plan. Also, we need to not be here."
"I have a plan, it requires you to secure a line for us, while I recall which gesture was the rudest."
"OH! I asked the bees! Put both thumbs on your nose and wiggle your fingers. And no, I have no idea what it means, they wouldn't tell me."
There was no more time for talk, the herd of monstrosities were coming down the tunnel, sliding and using tentacles to pull them along. Ringtail made rude noises and rude gestures that infuriated the snails. They roared and trumpeted, nearly deafening the brave scouts. Their speed accelerated and the twins needed no urging to grab the line with one hand while sharp claws on the other slowed their descent. The hit the small ledge going a bit too fast, and the rope saved them from falling off. Instead, they fell forward into a small alcove, and huddled there as the snails failed to come to a stop.
One by one the monstrosities went over the edge, trying vainly to hold onto the cliff, only for the next one to to slide into them and dislodge them. The second one to fall hit the small ledge, shattering it. The third fell past, followed by many more. Finally, the last one tried in vain to stop before the pit, trying to find anything to grab hold of. One tentacle found the edge of the small cave where the scouts huddled, four feet of the appendage gripping the rock with octopus-like suckers, barely bearing the weight of the creature screaming beneath it.
The twins looked at each other, popping their claws, and attacking the tentacle from either side. Sharp Claws bit through ropy muscle and in seconds they severed the tentacle, not giving the monster a chance to push another into their hidey hole. It screamed as it fell. The tentacle flopped around twice, then was still, a yard long reminder of what they had escaped.
"That was close, Brother."
"Yes, it was. But we are alive, we must always look on the bright side of things."
The bright side showed up immediately as system messages;
Slorthinga of the Claw Eyes has died, smashed on jagged rocks. You earn 5000 Experience and 50 Enhancement Points
Rotmouth Everymuncher has died, bouncing off the rubbery body of Slorthinga and bouncing into a Web Tyrants lair. You gain 3000 Experience and 30 Enhancement Points.
Gorbudslorthspawn has died, crushed under the falling body of Horrificus the Cave Kraken. You gain 2500 Experience and 25 Enhancement points.
Horrificus the Cave Kraken has sworn to find you and gain revenge for disfiguring it. Hell, that's worth 25 Enhancement points. Who else goes around doing that?
"That was a very bright side of things. You are truly wise, brother."
"And we have an enemy. All heroes need vengeful enemies to make their lives interesting."
Update: Horrificus has died, dissolved in the acidic stomach fluids released by Gorbudslorthspawn. You gain 5000 Experience and 50 Enhancement points.
"Gone so soon, he will be missed."
"Truly, our most beloved nemesis."
"I believe that we should pay more attention to Milo's lectures on Physics and similar arcane sciency-things."
"Indeed, I think we are just beginning to understand the true meaning behind it all. Now, what should we do with this tentacle?"
"I'm thinking it needs to be brined with oil, salt, and peppercorns, then cooked slowly over the coals of a small fire."
"Nice of Horrificus to supply dinner."
"For a nemesis, he was quite thoughtful."
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