Chapter 32: Tears.
Raven’s POV
Her words made my stomach churn.
"After that," Axel cut in impatiently, his voice sharp enough to slice through the tension, "how long before the spawn is ready to be used?"
Used. The word echoed in my mind, reverberating over and over until it made me feel sick.
"For the first one," Gessia replied smoothly, her tone composed in a way that made my skin crawl, "I would prefer it grow until the end of the season of conception."
My chest tightened painfully. It was one thing to force me into this... arrangement. I had endured that humiliation, swallowed it, buried it. But a child?
What had it done to deserve this?
I glanced around the room, searching their faces—Axel’s cold impatience, Gessia’s calculated calm—for any sign of hesitation. Any flicker of doubt. Any trace of humanity.
There was none.
I was dismissed shortly after, as though I were nothing more than an object no longer needed in the room.
I didn’t hesitate to leave.
The moment I stepped outside, the air hit my skin—cooler, fresher—but it did nothing to settle the nausea twisting violently in my stomach. My breaths came shallow, uneven, as I walked quickly, head lowered, focusing only on one thing: reaching my room.
Just somewhere I could be alone. But when I got there, I stopped short. Loel and Xarna stood by my door. Both turned toward me at the same time, surprise flashing across their faces before anything else could replace it.
"You’re coming from the alpha building?" Xarna asked immediately, her tone sharp, edged with something that sounded dangerously close to disapproval. Her arms crossed over her chest as her gaze swept over me, taking in every detail.
"Why?" she pressed, her eyes narrowing slightly as if she could pull the truth from me by force alone.
Loel stepped in before I could answer, her voice softer, gentler. "We came early to invite you to pick frogs by the river," she said, offering a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. "Frog stew is delicious—we make it sometimes."
Her attempt at normalcy felt distant. Unreal. Like she was speaking from another world entirely.
"Did you sleep there?" Xarna asked again, more pointed this time.
My head began to ache, a dull pressure building behind my eyes.
A slow, creeping irritation settled over me, fueled by exhaustion, pain, and everything I had just endured. My body still hurt. Standing felt like a task. Breathing felt heavy.
All I wanted was to lie down and disappear.
"I’m tired," I said quietly, my voice weaker than I intended. "We’ll have to speak later."
I moved past them, reaching for the door, but just as I pushed it open, Xarna caught my hand.
Her grip was firm—stronger than I expected—and when I looked at her, her expression had shifted. The suspicion was gone, replaced by something softer.
Concern.
For a brief moment, I couldn’t move.
"You look pale and sickly," she said, her voice lowering, worry threading through it. "If we don’t know what’s wrong, how will we know what herbs to bring you?"
For the slightest moment, I paused.
I focused my gaze on her, forcing a tired smile onto my face despite how heavy everything felt.
"Thank you," I murmured, gently pulling my hand free. "But I just need to rest. I don’t need herbs."
Before either of them could say anything else, I slipped inside and shut the door behind me.
The moment I reached my bed, I collapsed onto it. And then the tears came.
They streamed down my face uncontrollably, soaking into the rough fabric beneath me as sobs wracked through my body. My chest heaved, each breath sharp and painful, but even then—it wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough to release what I was feeling. It was one thing to be used for pleasure. Another thing entirely to be forced to conceive children... only for them to be killed.
A broken sound escaped me as I pressed my face deeper into the bedding.
It was in that moment that something inside me shifted. I didn’t care about paying for my sins anymore.
I was no saint—I knew that. I had made mistakes, done things I could never undo.
But this? This was not justice. This was cruelty.
What I needed now... was to escape.
The tears kept falling as I tried to hold everything in, but it was useless. A pain I hadn’t even been aware of tore through my chest, sharp and relentless, and fresh tears followed in its wake.
Time passed without me noticing.
When I finally became aware again, light filtered weakly through the room.
The sun was shining yet, I had no desire to move.
I lay there, staring blankly ahead, my body heavy, my mind numb. I wiped my face with the back of my hand, only to find more tears replacing the ones I cleared away.
Goddess Above, I feel sick, I thought as fresh tears slid down my cheeks, the pressure in my chest tightening even more.
Nausea churned in my stomach, relentless and suffocating, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t throw up.
I stayed on the bed for what felt like hours, drifting in and out of restless thoughts, until my body finally forced me to move.
Hunger.
Sharp and demanding, it tore through me, reminding me how long it had been since I had eaten.
By the time I managed to step outside, the sky had already begun to darken.
Evening.
Relief washed over me faintly when I saw that it was time for dinner. Most people had already collected their food, while others stood in line, waiting.
I joined them without hesitation, keeping my head down.
When it was my turn, I took the plate offered to me—grown potatoes and meat, still warm—and stepped away.
As I looked around, it didn’t surprise me to see Xarna already waving in my direction, beckoning me over with an impatient flick of her hand.
I didn’t hesitate.
Loel sat beside her, and Raphal leaned against her side, his posture loose with exhaustion.
"You look much worse," Loel commented gently as I approached, tapping the ground beside her.
I settled there with a small smile, lowering my head to stare at the grass beneath me.
It was a struggle to keep fresh tears from clouding my vision as I began to eat.
I stuffed my mouth quickly, barely chewing, as if the act itself could ground me.
"So... what did you do there?" Xarna began, her curiosity already spilling over. Her eyes were fixed on me, sharp and searching. "You couldn’t have spent the night, right?"
Before I could respond, Loel reached over and smacked her thigh—not lightly, but hard enough to make Xarna jerk.
"Really?" Loel scolded. "You ask questions now of all times?"
Xarna shrugged, her wide brown eyes and soft curls making her look far more innocent than she actually was.
"What?" she said unapologetically. "Should I wait until we’re about to part for the night? It’s best to gossip over food!"
If the topic hadn’t been me, I might have agreed.
I continued eating, gulping down the food too quickly. It took a while before I slowed, forcing myself to chew properly.
"I was called in to clean," I said finally, my voice steady despite the lie. "The woman the alpha had been with made a mess."
I kept my eyes fixed on the grass as I spoke. Even to me, my voice sounded... distant.
Did I want to be friends with them?
Yes. Desperately. Like needing air.
I wanted people who would care about me. People who would worry. Who would stay.
Did I think I could find that with them? I didn’t know.
And the thought of being wrong terrified me.
It would be like my old pack all over again. The rumors. The whispers. Accusations of sleeping with women’s mates, of chasing power—when in truth, I was more than something to be used... and discarded.
"Raven! You’re crying!"
Loel’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
It wasn’t until I lifted my sleeve to my face that I realized tears were sliding down my cheeks again.
"That Gessia woman!" Xarna snapped, anger flaring instantly. "What did she do to you?"
Her fists clenched, her entire posture rigid with fury.
"...she lives in the alpha building," Xarna continued, her voice dropping slightly, as if speaking something dangerous. "But I don’t trust her. She makes potions and things like that... for all we know, she could be a witch. And you know how the elders ordered for them to be burnt on sight."
I wiped my eyes quickly, trying to shift the conversation away from myself.
"Are witches really that bad?" I asked, forcing curiosity into my tone. "Do they really have magic that can change the world?"
Books were rare here—carefully guarded, passed down only through chosen successors. Knowledge felt distant, fragmented.
"It has to be a lie," I added quietly. "A fairy tale... they can’t be that strong."
Loel immediately shook her head, her expression fierce.
"The books may exaggerate," she said firmly, "but they never lie. They are the history of our ancestors. Some witches are said to wield the power of elements."
She glanced briefly at Raphal, who had already finished his food.
He was leaning heavily against her now, clearly exhausted, his head drooping as sleep claimed him. A thin line of drool slipped from the corner of his mouth, but Loel didn’t seem to mind.
Xarna, on the other hand, seemed less invested in the topic.
She listened, but her mind was elsewhere.
"I don’t know about that," she said eventually, shrugging. "All I want in life is to be—"
"...to be Luna," Loel cut in with a chuckle, finishing her sentence effortlessly. "Bonded to an Alpha. Bear his many children and live happily ever after."
Xarna shot her a glare.
"...I’d prefer it to be Alpha Rex," she whispered, leaning closer so only we could hear.
We instinctively formed a small circle, though I was certain most of the pack already knew about her crush.
"Alpha Axel is too..." she trailed off, her expression tightening.
"And Alpha Thor?" she added with a small shake of her head. "I don’t think he cares about love at all."
I understood what she meant without her needing to say it outright.
I remained silent, continuing to eat as I listened to her speak—her voice filled with excitement, with hope.
Feelings I couldn’t relate to.
I wondered, briefly, how she would react if she knew.
If she found out that the alpha she admired had me in his bed.
As long as I stayed here... it was only a matter of time before she did.
I took another spoonful from my bowl—only to pause when I realized it was empty.
The meal had been just enough.
Just enough to quiet the hunger.
Nothing more.
