Even if I saw him because he lives next door, it wasn’t something to be surprised about, but it still felt like my shame had been exposed. I just kept fiddling with the empty can. Meanwhile, my head was spinning like crazy.
Calling Lee Kangjoo a friend didn’t fit the age gap, and saying he was a relative wouldn’t work either — there was a chance those ambiguous moans had leaked through the crack in the wall. The only options were client or lover. Lover was impossible to say even as a lie, and as for client... I’d just run my mouth saying I don’t deal with men.
“I wasn’t trying to listen, but the wall where your sofa is and our wall are connected.”
No Eunjae spoke carefully. The moment he said that, my breath caught in my throat. He already knew and was just pretending not to. I covered my face with both hands and rubbed it hard, then shoved my hair roughly back over my forehead.
“Yeah. A client.”
“Wow, seriously?”
Once I said it out loud, I felt weirdly relieved. No Eunjae just muttered, “That’s crazy,” without showing any disgust.
“At your place too?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he a sucker?”
“Doesn’t seem like it.”
Before leaving the officetel, Lee Kangjoo had pressed a card into my hand. Like he was congratulating me for finishing an internship and becoming a full-time employee.
I’d always desperately wanted to catch a sponsor and become someone’s thoughtless little lapdog, but this was the first time someone had handed me a card so directly. When I hesitated, Lee Kangjoo said,
“My arm hurts.”
Urging me on. I couldn’t not take it.
“What if I buy a house and a car with this?”
There was more truth than joke in that question. Lee Kangjoo laughed cleanly, told me to go ahead if I wanted. For a moment, I dreamed sweetly about taking out a massive cash advance with it and paying off all the debt I owed to Choi Manseok in one shot. That would feel so damn good.
“Thank you.”
But only someone who’s eaten meat before knows how to eat it. Even with a high-limit card in my hand, I couldn’t use it recklessly.
Poverty soaked into my bones made me pick discounted ingredients close to expiration, made me search for restaurants that were even a hundred won cheaper. Just like Yohan said, it was the perfect opportunity to stock up on anything that could make money — but my grain-sized courage kept me from swiping that card.
Truth was, I was scared he’d start hating me if I indulged myself for no reason. He wouldn’t change his mind over pocket change, but you never know with people.
People can hate you because you don’t use chopsticks properly, because you snore when you sleep, because you once spat a drop when you talked. I knew that better than anyone — I’d spent my whole life adjusting even the way I breathed to suit someone else’s mood.
Just because he handed me a card didn’t mean I could treat him like a sucker. Lee Kangjoo and “sucker” were the least compatible words in the world. If anyone was the sucker, it was me. I lowered my head gloomily.
“Hey, hyung! I’m not prejudiced about stuff like that. If I were, do you think I’d work at the shop? I’m not looking at you weirdly, so don’t worry.”
Maybe because I looked depressed, No Eunjae wrapped an arm around my shoulders kindly and comforted me. When I asked, “Really?” he jumped as if offended and said of course. Told me not to see him as some uptight person.
“Hyung, you’ve got skills. I should learn from you.”
“Skills, my ass.”
I snorted.
I didn’t earn that spot with my own ability in the first place. If not for Han Yeonghwa, our clothes wouldn’t have brushed once. The worlds we live in are as far apart as sky and earth. Once three months pass and Lee Kangjoo’s feelings change, it’ll be over for good.
Just thinking about it made me shudder. When my shoulders trembled, No Eunjae fussed, asking if I was cold. He almost hugged me, urging me to hurry inside.
The cigarette smell soaked into his coat was unpleasant, so I slipped out of his arms. I didn’t like being in anyone else’s embrace, not even for a moment, unless it was Lee Kangjoo.
* * *
I twisted and groaned before snapping my eyes open with a gasp. A harsh breath tore out of my mouth, and my heart pounded like I’d just watched a horror movie. The sound roared in my ears until they went numb, and I curled my back, covering them with both hands.
My whole body was drenched in cold sweat. The pillow and blanket were damp. It was because of the unsettling dream.
Usually the star of my nightmares was a loan shark, but this time it was my father. His face was blurry, but the fists and feet that used to beat me were as vivid as if I’d seen them yesterday.
Was I wearing my school uniform? Or was it before that? I tried to trace it back carefully, but there was no need to remember. Every time he came home drunk, he’d swing his fists like it was a greeting. When exactly didn’t matter.
I rubbed my tingling arm. I hadn’t actually been hit, but the memory made the pain feel real. My whole body throbbed. I curled up for a moment. From experience, the best thing to do when it hurt was to close my eyes and wait quietly until it passed.
I’d grown enough now that even if that bastard raised his arm, I could block it with my own strength. But the fear lodged in my head when I was small didn’t disappear easily. Maybe it would cling to me like a shadow for a long, long time. Maybe until the day I die.
My phone vibrated softly. I groped around the bedside and grabbed it. Sighing, I turned on the screen, checked the date and time, and then my eyes flew open as I kicked off the blanket. It was the day I had plans with Lee Kangjoo.
“Shit.”
I jumped out of bed and headed for the bathroom.
Recently, I’d been working day and night trying to find Lee Kangjoo a hobby. My search history was getting longer like a scroll. I kept asking people what would be good as a hobby, what someone does when they’re bored.
I even asked the owner of a delivery place last time. He answered in less than a second, “Jerking off,” and shoved his bloodshot eyes back into the monitor. The transparent ashtray beside him was packed so full of cigarette butts there was nowhere to stick another.
I didn’t want to give Lee Kangjoo a hobby like that. If I was going to find him one, I wanted it to be healthy. I asked Yohan too. Yohan clutched his stomach laughing, asking where in the world there was a male prostitute trying to find a hobby for his sponsor.
“That bastard can’t even find his own hobby at his age?”
“No, he just says he doesn’t have one. I thought it’d be nice if I found one for him.”
“You’ve got it bad.”
All he did was mock me, so I gave up asking him. Instead, I went to someone else. No Eunjae. He thought for a long time when I said “hobby,” then suddenly spoke up like something clicked.
“How about hiking?”
“Hiking?”
“Yeah. It’s hard climbing up, but when you reach the top, it feels good. You feel accomplished. And cup ramen tastes amazing up there.”
“Really?”
“Most of all, it’s pretty entertaining watching affairs.”
I’d heard the motels at the foot of the mountain were packed year-round. And that hiking clubs were full of affairs. When I nudged him to continue, he grinned.
“When your body’s tired, your heart gets all stirred up, so I guess even just holding hands makes you fall head over heels. The ajummas and ajusshis cling to each other and make a scene. Last time I even saw a couple hiding behind a tree and screwing.”
“How’d you know it was an affair?”
“The guy who was screwing answered his phone. It was his wife. Something about their kid’s school.”
I didn’t particularly want to witness a scene like that with Lee Kangjoo, but the phrase “when your body’s tired, your heart gets stirred up” caught my attention.
I immediately searched the weekend weather and different mountains. No Eunjae leaned his head close to mine and pointed at one.
“This one’s good. The slope’s gentle and it’s not far.”
Hearing that, it really did seem like a good choice.
With my heart pounding, I texted Lee Kangjoo asking how he felt about hiking. I bit my nails anxiously while waiting, wondering if he’d allow it. Not long after — his replies had gotten a little faster lately compared to before — a positive answer came. And that’s how we ended up making plans for today.
Determined not to be late, I rushed through getting ready and headed to the meeting spot. We agreed to meet at the entrance to the mountain. He offered to pick me up, but I refused. I’d already asked Yohan to drive me.
Leaving behind a displeased Yohan, I arrived first and waited for Lee Kangjoo. People in hiking clothes passed me and entered the trail.
After watching long enough, you start to distinguish the ones who «N.o.v.e.l.i.g.h.t» came to hike and the ones who didn’t. If their hiking outfits were too flashy, or they stuck together laughing like they were glued, there was a high chance they had impure intentions. Real married couples usually climbed with some distance between them, like strangers. Watching people suddenly became strangely fun.
Before long, Lee Kangjoo came walking up the incline. I’d been sitting on a bench and stood awkwardly. It was the first time I’d seen him dressed casually since leaving his place. The black tracksuit suited him like it was tailored.
“Did you wait long?”
“No. I just got here too.”
I’d tried to dress decently, but standing in front of Lee Kangjoo made me feel shabby. As expected, no one could help glancing at him. Older ladies even approached out of nowhere, saying they’d never seen such a handsome bachelor before, pressing chocolates and tangerines into his hands.
“......”
He might as well have been a celebrity.
