Swallow Hunting

Bullshit about pulling myself together.

Haejun tried. He really did fight like hell. Even when he smiled at Lee Kangjoo, he did everything he could to cool his feelings. He even tried brainwashing himself. Telling himself Lee Kangjoo was no different from any random customer he’d met at the host bar. As if smiling for money was somehow new to him after all this time, he struggled desperately to treat him the same way he treated all the others.

But the result was empty.

Not once—not a single fucking time—had Lee Kangjoo ever looked like a customer to him.

When he ate the breakfasts the man took care of for him, when he sat there quietly staring at him asleep, when they shared kisses that probably meant absolutely nothing from Lee Kangjoo’s side, his heart didn’t just ache. It felt like it was being ripped into bloody shreds.

Would it get better if they at least stopped kissing?

Haejun had even tried deliberately avoiding it. It was agonizing, like cutting off an addiction, but if he wanted to sort out his feelings, he figured he had no choice.

But even that didn’t last long.

Lee Kangjoo noticed, grabbed his jaw and cheek, and came at him rough like he was punishing him.

And even then, Haejun had been so fucking happy to be kissed that tears streamed down his face.

So yeah. Avoiding kisses was clearly a dead end.

What Haejun was going through felt almost like bipolar mood swings. His mood floated all the way up to the fucking sky, only to plunge straight down to the bottom of the trench. He went through that horrible free fall dozens of times a day.

The moment he saw Lee Kangjoo, he’d grin like some screw-loose idiot.

But the second he was left alone, his eyes would fill with tears and he’d crawl under the blanket.

When Mrs. Jeong was around, he at least pretended to function like a normal person, but in the end it always looped right back to the same place.

Maybe he was depressed because he’d been stuck at home, using his leg as an excuse.

No matter how bright and spacious the house was, anyone would start wasting away if they stayed cooped up in one place too long.

Before he knew it, the nights had grown noticeably shorter. Streets that used to be swallowed by darkness by four in the afternoon now didn’t start dimming until six.

That was around when Haejun left the house.

He didn’t have a destination, and with one leg in a cast, he couldn’t walk for long anyway. Even so, the moment Mrs. Jeong got off work, he left the house without any real plan.

Maybe it was because he was walking on crutches.

It didn’t take long before his overworked leg and the armpit crushed beneath the crutch head started throbbing.

Breathing hard, Haejun sat down on a nearby bench and blankly watched people passing through the park.

The weather must really have warmed up. The sea of thick padded coats had thinned out, people dressed much lighter now. Some were even out running in nothing but short sleeves.

As he watched a runner’s retreating back, he turned his head.

Over there, a huge brown dog was trotting along, panting happily. Its quick little steps looked ridiculously light and cheerful. The owner, bundled in a cap pulled low, was small-framed, so maybe because the dog was so big, they had the leash attached to a waist band.

But the dog’s monstrous strength was clearly more than the owner could handle.

The instant its eyes met Haejun’s, they lit up, and it bolted straight toward him.

The owner stumbled backward, going, “Oh—oh my—!” while trying to hold it back, but it was useless.

Its soft golden fur streamed behind it as it charged at him. Its tail whipped wildly, pink tongue lolling out one side of its long snout. The panting looked less like catching its breath and more like laughter.

Haejun didn’t dislike dogs.

If anything, he was soft on animals.

Even when he barely had any money, the moment he saw a stray cat, he’d rush into the nearest convenience store and buy some cheap little snack for it.

“I’m sorry. He’s usually not like this.”

“It’s okay. I like dogs.”

For all the force it had charged in with, the dog sat politely right at Haejun’s feet and tilted its head up.

Those bright eyes practically screamed, Hurry up and pet me.

“Can I pet him?”

“Uh... I think that should be fine. That’s strange. Our Yeongchun usually doesn’t like men...”

“His name is Yeongchun?”

“Yeah. Kind of old-fashioned, right? They say names like that help them live long, so that’s why I gave it to him. But... it doesn’t really suit him.”

Maybe they’d heard that same thing a thousand times, because the owner hurried to explain.

And honestly, for such an elegant Golden Retriever, the name really did sound a little old-school.

When Haejun held out his hand, Yeongchun sniffed at it with his damp nose.

Then, apparently deciding he approved, he shoved his head right under Haejun’s palm.

The fur was smooth and warm, like silk.

When Haejun ran his hand down and scratched the thick fur at his neck, Yeongchun went all the way down onto his back and exposed his belly.

The owner laughed like they couldn’t believe it.

“He’s really affectionate. So pretty.”

“Actually, Yeongchun used to be a rescue.”

The owner lowered their voice, as if making sure the dog wouldn’t hear.

“I don’t know what happened to him when he was living on the streets, but he really hated men. It even took him forever to warm up to my dad. But I guess he likes you.”

“Really?”

“This little guy pretends he doesn’t care, but he’s secretly a total face-lover.”

Yeongchun’s tail swayed lazily, loving every second of Haejun’s touch.

The glossy fur, the happy smile that only dogs drenched in love seem to wear—there wasn’t a single trace left of the abandoned dog he’d once been.

“He looks really happy.”

The owner smiled proudly.

Still looking down at the dog sprawled on the ground, they rubbed his pale belly lovingly.

After soaking up Haejun’s touch until he’d had his fill, Yeongchun slowly got up under his owner’s look.

He glanced back at Haejun several times like he still regretted leaving, but eventually the tug on the leash forced him to match his owner’s steps, and the two of them disappeared in the same cheerful little trot they’d arrived with.

Haejun stared blankly at the golden fur left stuck to his palm.

The word rescue stayed in his head for a long time.

Ridiculously enough, he was jealous of Yeongchun to the point of tears.

The life of leaving behind hardship and being loved without restraint—

he envied it so much it made him feel fucking insane.

* * *

Watching people pass by, he hadn’t realized how much time had gone by.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he pulled it out.

Lee Kangjoo’s name was on the screen.

Joy hit him first.

Then the bitterness followed right behind it.

“Hello.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m on the walking path near the house. Just stepped out for a bit.”

“......”

“Ah, are you home already? I’ll head back right now.”

“...No. Send me your location and wait there.”

Haejun obediently followed Lee Kangjoo’s order.

Once he sent his location, there was nothing else to do.

For a moment, he belatedly regretted not taking a picture of Yeongchun earlier.

As the darkness thickened, the temperature dropped.

He’d dressed warmly enough, but there was no stopping the sting creeping into the tip of his nose.

Hunching his shoulders, Haejun tucked his nose deeper into his scarf and sniffled.

Since it was around dinner time, fewer people were passing through the park now, so there wasn’t much left to watch.

It wasn’t long before he sensed someone nearby.

Haejun lifted his head.

Even with his unhurried gait, Lee Kangjoo crossed the distance in only a few steps and stopped right in front of him.

“You came.”

Haejun smiled softly.

His cheeks and forehead, exposed to the cold air for too long, were flushed red like crushed balsam petals.

Instead of answering, Lee Kangjoo let out a slow sigh.

“You’re not even fully healed. Why did you come out?”

“I was feeling a little suffocated. I was going to head back soon.”

“You should’ve called me.”

As if to say he would’ve sent someone for him.

Haejun shook his head.

“Come on, I know how busy you are, CEO. It’s not worth bothering you over something like this.”

“......”

“Have you eaten dinner?”

He asked the safe, ordinary question as he grabbed the bench armrest and pushed himself up.

Maybe because he’d been sitting too long, his leg wobbled the moment he stood, but Lee Kangjoo caught him immediately.

Even after Haejun thanked him, he didn’t let go of the hand he’d grabbed.

When Haejun hesitantly looked down at it, only then did it slowly slip away.

“I haven’t eaten yet. What about you, Cha Haejun?”

“Me neither. Now that you mention it, I am kind of hungry.”

It was a lie.

He hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, but he barely felt hunger these days.

He’d just forget, and only when Mrs. Jeong or Lee Kangjoo asked would he suddenly realize and force himself to eat.

“Should we eat nearby? A new snack shop opened over there. Do you like kimbap?”

“I don’t dislike it.”

Yang Seokho’s comment flashed through his mind—that Lee Kangjoo was actually ridiculously picky, even if he never showed it.

Even when Haejun asked if there was something else he wanted, Lee Kangjoo just shook his head.

“My favorite is pork cutlet kimbap. But usually that one’s the most expensive thing on the menu, so I couldn’t eat it often. Only once in a while, when I got a lot of tips?”

Haejun chattered to keep the walk from feeling dull.

Every now and then, Lee Kangjoo gave a small nod to show he was listening.

Even though Haejun walked slowly, Lee Kangjoo never once rushed him.

He simply matched his pace.

Sometimes, when it looked like he might stumble, he’d reach out an arm, and only after confirming Haejun had caught his balance would he pull his hand back.

That was what tormented Haejun.

Even the hand reaching out to help him was poison.

A fatal poison rolled in sweet sugar, something he knew full well was deadly and yet had no choice but to swallow.

Haejun liked Lee Kangjoo.

Maybe he even loved him.

No matter how hard he tried to rein himself in, he couldn’t deny that much.

How the hell was he supposed to get rid of feelings like this?

The harder he tried to rip them out, the sharper the roots became, digging deeper and deeper into him with stubborn cruelty.

It was a fight he had no chance of winning.

He was already terrified that in the end, he’d be the only one worn down and left falling apart.