Chapter 414: Chapter 414 - The Least I Can Do
Point-of-View: Ilex Sarralot
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Damn it...I feel so restless. Tomorrow’s the day, it won’t be much longer before we launch our counterattack against the Vampires...I can’t take this, every passing minute feels like an hour, I feel like I’m losing my mind.
It was all my fault...I should’ve taken greater care to make sure that Mysst was safe. I messed up, and there’s no undoing it...she’s gone, and no matter what I do, I can’t change that.
I don’t think I’ve even fully come to terms with it yet...I keep hoping that this was all just a bad dream, and she’ll walk into the room and everything will go back to normal.
But...that isn’t going to happen.
Even if I kill every single remaining Vampire by myself tomorrow, it won’t make me feel any better in the long run...killing the Vampire who killed her certainly didn’t, all I felt was a hollow sense of anguish after that.
Larrk and the others keep telling me it wasn’t my fault, but I can’t accept that...if only I’d managed to kill that Vampire before he had the chance to use his Unique Ability.
If only I’d been able to prevent him from scratching her and drawing her blood, he wouldn’t have been able to use his Unique Ability in the first place. If only...if only...
I let out a yell of anger and frustration as I punched the wall, tearing welling up in my eyes as a few cracks spread out across the wall, trickles of blood running down from my knuckles as I trembled with a sense of guilt and remorse.
"Damn it...damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!!!" I cried as tears streamed down my face, before I collapsed onto my knees, my chest tightening as the memories I shared with her flashed through my mind.
Before long, I felt my rage and hatred bubbling up again...damn it, who am I supposed to direct these emotions at!?
As much I want to take it out on the Vampires, I just end up blaming myself...none of this would have happened if they didn’t attack us unprovoked to begin with, but even so, even knowing that, I can’t help but direct my hatred at myself.
Even if I kill a large number of Vampires tomorrow, I doubt it’ll give me anything more than a temporary sense of relief...it won’t take long before I direct these emotions at myself again.
What do I do? What can I do? The more I think about it, the more helpless I feel. I’ve been pretty miserable for most of my life, but I’ve never felt this damned miserable before.
I loved her so much, and now, she’s gone...I’ll never see her again, never speak to her again, never hold her hand again, never...
I then clutched the sides of my head as I felt like my emotions were going to make me explode, I...I’m so damn weak.
I’ve always known that, how pathetic I really am deep down...I could never talk to people, I still have trouble with that even now.
I was alone for so long, and all it would’ve taken to change that was the courage to just...just talk to someone.
But there’s no point in agonizing about it now...I won’t gain anything by dwelling on what-ifs and hypotheticals.
Really, I’m so fucking pathetic...all I’m trying to do is make myself feel better, desperately trying to figure out how to accomplish that. I’m so-...
My train of thought was then cut off as someone knocked on my door, startling me a bit before I got back onto my feet and wiped away my tears.
"Y-yeah, who is it?"
"Hey, man, it’s me, Larrk. Can I come in?"
"S-sure, come in," I nodded, before the door opened and he stepped in.
"Just thought I’d check in with you. How-...hm? Hey, your hand’s bleeding, are you okay?" He frowned in concern as he approached me and took hold of my hand, before healing my knuckles.
"U-uh, yeah...I’m okay. It’s nothing," I shook my head in response.
"Yeah...I’m gonna have to call bullshit on that. There’s no way you’re okay. Come on, talk to me, vent out everything you’ve got bottled up in there. If nothing else, it might make you feel at least a tiny bit better," He remarked, as he placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Really, I’m okay, I-...," I began, before trailing off as he met my gaze with a solemn look on his face.
"You don’t have to keep this to yourself, you know. Let me help."
"I-...alright, fine. This is probably all going to sound pretty pitiful...," I muttered, before unloading everything on my mind.
It was like a broken tap, once I started venting I just couldn’t stop the words from flooding out, my emotions bursting out like a dam as I hit him with a barrage of everything I’d been holding in.
As I finally finished ranting, he was silent for a moment as I caught my breath, before I averted my gaze, clenching my fists bitterly...he’s a much stronger person than I could ever hope to be, I bet he thinks I’m pathetic too. Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet and-...
"You’re being way too hard on yourself, man...I know it’s painful, I know it hurts and you can’t help but blame yourself. But, you know what, that’s just natural. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same way...tell me, do you think Pavorphobus is to blame for Aratron’s death?" He asked me.
"Huh? Of course not, why would I-..."
"Don’t you see how it’s the same thing? I know that telling you to stop blaming yourself won’t do any good, it’s never that easy. But that’s no reason to beat yourself up over it this much. Stop bottling this up, the more you stay isolated in your own echo chamber, the more you’ll twist your feelings of resentment towards yourself. If you need someone to talk to, you can count on me...it’s the least I can do."
"I-...thank you, Larrk. I think I...I feel just a small bit better now. Uh...if it’s okay, um...could you hang around for a little while longer?"
"Of course, man, you don’t even have to ask."
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