Chapter 64: [Chapter 064] How could you betray me?
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In the bedroom, the most familiar space in the grand duke's mansion, there was nothing but what I already knew. I rolled up my sleeves and searched every nook and cranny for quite some time, but there were no other traces or anything special.
'Maybe I should really get into the bathwater I've prepared.'
My body was drenched in sweat, despite it being early winter. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and caught my breath. As I carefully looked around to make sure I hadn't missed anything, there was only one spot I hadn't checked, the thick carpet that covered a large part of the bedroom. Since it took up so much of the central part of the bedroom, I wondered if there could be something under this huge carpet, but with the thought that I should search everywhere without fail, I started to pry up the edge with a groan. And then, suddenly, thud. Something hit the bedroom door outside. The rattling sound that followed was clearly the sound of rummaging through a bunch of keys. Since it was so quiet around and there was no sign of anyone outside, the sound was even more clearly imprinted in my ears. I quickly tidied up the edge of the carpet I had lifted. It was a bit far to go to the bathroom like this. Click.
"!"
As soon as I heard the sound of the door lock being opened, I quickly hid in the nearby closet. I was out of breath, but I couldn't exhale loudly, so I covered my nose and mouth with both hands and breathed out heavily inside. I clearly heard the door open, but for a while, there was no sign of anyone coming in, and they stood outside the door before slowly entering. The figure of the person who had entered appeared through the gap in the closet vent.
'...Noevian.'
It was Noevian. Some more time passed until he closed the door and locked it again. As if the time inside and outside was different with the closet door in between, Noevian's actions were very slow. In the meantime, having recovered my rough breath, I held my body with both arms, stifling my presence. The place visible through the vent was the entrance where he had come in and the bed where I had been lying for two years. Noevian, who had flopped down on the bed, had a half-empty liquor bottle in his hand. Soon after, he took a pillbox out of his pocket, popped a few into his mouth, and gulped down the remaining liquor in one go. And after breathing heavily for a while, he collapsed on the bed with his body that had been swaying continuously.
"...En."
"...."
"...Adrienne."
He was panting as if he had just run at full speed, and soon he started muttering something and whimpering softly. I stared at that sight like an animal stuffed and trapped. The sky that had been tinged with sunset was getting darker and darker, and his low whimpers showed no sign of stopping. I felt as if I were getting drunk too because the smell of the strange medicine and alcohol was so strong that it stung my nose.
'Why, now.'
If I had seen him like that a little earlier, what would I have done? Would I have told him about my current situation, regardless of whether he thought I was crazy because he couldn't bear to see him so pitiful?
'Thinking about the foolish days I've had, I probably would have.'
The feeling of nausea that had been churning in my stomach since earlier was definitely because I hated seeing him like that. What courage had given me? I opened the closet door and crossed the dark bedroom without a single candle. The strange medicine smell and the smell of alcohol that strongly stung my nose were so intense that my nose felt numb.
"...Rien. Adrienne, Adrienne...!"
"Noevian."
His heaving chest and the tears he had been vomiting stopped abruptly. Noevian, who had raised his head from the bed, had no focus in his eyes. But his distorted expression clearly showed how much he was suffering, and I felt even more anger. I couldn't understand why he was grieving and crying, after all he had done.
"...Why did you betray me?"
Noevian's labored breathing stopped abruptly at that moment.
***
He started to wail as if he had just encountered my ghost. As his wailing grew louder and louder, vibrating the bedroom floor, I moved closer to try to calm him down. Before anyone else came in startled by the noise, I wanted to talk to him a little more. Maybe I could find out why he killed me, why he had a secret lover.
"Betray...al?"
His voice, which he barely managed to spit out as if he were vomiting, was full of misery. Noevian gripped the bedsheets with both hands and started to laugh, his shoulders shaking. He looked insane.
"That's something you can only do when you love me, isn't it?"
His voice, which escaped along with his hollow laughter, grew smaller and smaller, only to grow louder again.
"You never loved me, Adrienne. Adrienne... I've never had anything of my own. Not even you."
I looked down at him with a cold expression, saying nothing.
"But I was different. At least I was. I loved you. Even now, even now... If not, just look at me! I can't sleep without alcohol, and even though I can only meet you like this in my delusions, I'm so pathetic... I can't help but fall asleep like this!"
"You had a lover?"
"...That woman was just a substitute for you."
I scoffed. It was ridiculous to think that I could hear so many words while facing Noevian who had lost his mind. I wondered why I had put up with him for so long.
"That substitute is now going to become the real Grand Duchess. How is it? Are you satisfied now?"
While saying he loved me, he turned a blind eye to all the reckless things that woman did, overlooked them, and couldn't let her go in the end. I sneered, lifting the corners of my lips.
"Isn't it more like you love her, not me?"
"No!!"
Noevian, half out of his mind, howled with his eyes bloodshot.
"No, no... no! Adrienne."
Noevian waved his hands as if I were right in front of him, even though I was several steps away, trying to grab me. And as before, he kept mumbling incessantly. I patiently waited for Noevian. He swayed while sitting. It seemed like he wasn't in a condition to speak properly, but it was amazing how he was able to think and speak with so much strength.
"But..."
Finally, intelligible words began to come out of Noevian's mouth, after he had been muttering and shaking his head for a long time.
"But, what could I do?"
He looked at the empty space, not at me, and slowly blinked his eyes, and a chuckle burst out of Noevian's mouth again.
"Everything I have is an illusion."
"..."
"If there's no emperor. If there's no crown prince, I have nothing. That's me, Adrienne."
I stared at Noevian, who was so unfamiliar, stubbornly. I was so unfamiliar that I couldn't take my eyes off him. The sincerity expressed by a man without any gaps made me feel strange.
"Instead of the emperor pretending to be a saint, I stained my hands with blood. I had to make the emperor's son, not mine, the next emperor. And that path would be paved with blood again. Even after all that effort, all I could have was this barren northern land and this huge dukedom, which could be taken away from me at any moment with a single word from the emperor..."
I had never heard such words from him before, so I simply listened quietly as he spoke. Overcome with emotion, he got out of bed and staggered to his feet. But he swayed, as if he could fall over with a gentle push. I watched, but didn't reach out to catch him.
"Even this is under constant scrutiny and surveillance. I don't have a single servant I've chosen myself. Surrounded by things that are both mine and not mine, in this false life, I..."
Noevian, struggling not to fall, grabbed my shoulders tightly.
"What could I do? I, I..."
Noevian's face, repeating the same words, was right in front of me. The terrible smell of alcohol and medicine seemed to engulf my mind. If it had been before, I would have hugged him and cried with him. It was a confession, full of pity, but perhaps because I had already been shocked so many times, it was just endless excuses. Killing me, having another woman as a mistress and making me feel ridiculed in his diary, and almost getting Roardnes killed because of the misunderstanding he created—I couldn't bear to look at the man in front of me.
"...Fine, what could you do? No matter how much you called and looked for me, I'm already dead. So now, try to find some meager happiness with your substitute."
'Even that substitute won't be yours, and you'll be consumed by despair.'
I smiled quite sweetly. Noevian, who had been staring at my smiling face, stopped swaying as if he had been shocked. Between us was an endless silence. Noevian, who had been blinking slowly, suddenly grabbed his head. I could see his deep blue eyes rolling back just before they flipped over, so I pushed Noevian, who was almost right in front of me, onto the bed. Noevian swayed a few times and then collapsed onto the bed, unconscious with his head still in his hands. Even though I shook him, he remained motionless, as if he had frozen. I looked down at Noevian, who was lying there dead, and indifferently took the bunch of keys from his pocket.
"I'll take this. It was originally mine."
Then, without hesitation, I lifted Noevian's shirt collar and was soon disappointed. My mother's necklace was gone. I had one more thing to find in the dukedom. I soon tidied up as if nothing had happened and went to the bathroom door. As I looked around the room one last time, I felt strange when I saw Noevian lying on the bed like a corpse.
"...Ah."
The emotions that had been quietly bubbling beneath my skin since I had been watching him wail fell from my eyes. They were messy emotions that had been piling up. Whether he was drunk, drugged, or wailing, what did it matter?
'Under this floor I'm standing on... my corpse would probably rot without even being allowed to cry.'
As soon as I had that thought, my tears stopped. I opened the bathroom door as if opening the door to a new world. I didn't even look at the bedroom where Noevian was lying. I stepped into the cold bath and washed my whole body clean. When I went back to Noevian's bedroom, Yona was pacing back and forth, looking worried.
"Ma'am! I was so worried because you were gone for so long!"
I reassured Yona and returned to the bedroom that had been assigned to me. And I hid the keys I had taken from Noevian well and told Yona never to let anyone else clean my room.
***
Noevian woke up the next day at noon, clutching his head as if it would burst. It had been a long time since he had been so drunk he couldn't move a finger. Squinting for a long time, he massaged his temples, recalling the vision of Adrienne that had felt so real. He remembered pouring out all the words he had been holding inside. He remembered rambling on and on, but he couldn't recall what expression Adrienne had on her face or what she had said. Only one memory remained strangely clear: Adrienne's sad smile as she said he was already dead. It twisted his insides and made him want to vomit.
Knock knock. Noevian groaned as he heard someone coming into his bedroom with food.
"I don't want to eat..."
"You should eat."
It was Blier who had brought in the food. On the wooden tray she was holding, freshly baked bread was steaming.
"I thought you might feel better if you woke up to a delicious smell."
'When I get better, I'll wake up early the next day you come and prepare breakfast for you. You can smell something delicious as soon as you wake up.'
Suddenly remembering his honeymoon with Adrienne, Noevian stared at Blier, who was calmly instructing the servant to set the table, forgetting even his headache.
'While saying she loved me, she turned a blind eye to all the reckless things that woman did, overlooked them, and couldn't let her go in the end.'
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'Isn't it more like you love her, not me?'
The voice from the vision that he couldn't recall no matter how hard he tried suddenly popped up in his head, pounding relentlessly.
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