"Are you even listening to us? Jing has been crying for over five minutes now but you kept screaming and shouting!"
Hai's lashes fluttered faintly.
Jing was crying…?
When? I don't remember…Was he crying?
Now that his wails tore through his ears, he realized how utterly silent the world had felt to him and how a pin-drop silence had shut down his senses.
"Thn Chunhua had been trying to explain, but you kept mumbling on your own! I don't know in what world you were lost, but don't you dare to try to hurt Jinhai!"
From Jing, his gaze moved to Jinhai, who for the first time in his life, as quiet and composed as he was, looked shaken and ashen. For the first time, he saw a mistiness in his eyes which only reminded him that though Jinhai was a measured child - he was still a child.
Behind him stood Chunhua with her hand on his elder son's shoulder gripping it firmly as she tried to create distance between him and his father's fury. Jing, whom she held within her left arm, continued to cry with no end to sight.
Liu Liyan stepped closer such that her voice would only be heard by him.
"I told you it was a mistake…Back then, I told you it was a big mistake," her body trembled, tears brimming her eyes with the shades of anger and grief dissolved together.
"But you were stubborn. I knew something like this would happen! But why would you consider an old woman's ramblings? You have become so independent now. Handling the family and business all by yourself. Why would what I say matter to you?"
Hai didn't respond.
"Jinhai was only trying to protect Huian. But your mind jumped to-" she pinched her quivering lips shut, wanting to stop her tears from falling.
Her jaw clenched. "If you cannot let go of the past, Hai, then tell me. Tell me right now itself because I won't allow you to hurt my grandchildren! If I have to lose my…second son over this too, so be it."
—
Chunhua placed a sleeping Jing gently back into his crib. A trail of drool trickled down the corner of his lips which she wiped it off with a smile.
An unbreathable silence filled their room. She turned to find Hai in the same position as before. Seated on the bed, his gaze never wandered off from the window. As if the sky held the answers he was looking for, his eyes refused to blink even once.
Tucking Jing inside the blanket, she rose and then quietly sat beside Hai.
"Jing is fine."
Hai said nothing.
"You should talk to Jinhai once. He is patient and smart. He will understand you."
Chunhua breathed out upon not hearing any response from him again. She placed her hand on his, squeezing it firmly within her warm grasp. Intertwining their fingers, she felt his palm felt too cold for comfort.
"Are you okay?"
His unblinking gaze finally stirred, and he turned to her. "...You care about me?"
"How is that even a question?" She pursed her lips slightly.
"It's the right question. Chunhua, you want to…" his chest visibly tightened, "do you want to divorce me?"
She stared.
"You must be thinking about that. Leave my side with the children and…and settle somewhere far…far away from me…" his gaze spun unfocused again. "I broke my promise to you. I…never wanted to raise my hand against him…"
It became difficult to breathe the more he spoke as if a boulder was pressed upon his chest.
"I know, Hai."
He continued as though he couldn't hear her. "I never once thought of hitting my son, but he was there. He-he was," he pointed his finger somewhere in front of him, somewhere vague, "standing behind my son. You didn't see it, but I did. He was there right behind him. Yeah, he was there, a-and I had wanted to slap him actually…"
Hai stopped talking. Then he looked at her.
"Actually, I don't know who I was trying to hit. I don't remember it so well…So I cannot tell you if I wanted to hit him or Jinhai. Ah…I am the worst. I cannot even confidently say if I harbored bad feelings towards my son. But Ji-Jing is really small, you know? He is just a baby. He cannot even walk um so…I thought Jinhai was being mean to him on purpose."
Hai's shoulders dropped with a slow realization creeping horrors within him.
"Jinhai loves Jing. I should have trusted him…Chunhua…"
A crack grappled his voice. For the first time in his life, he allowed himself tears to freely flow through before his wife.
"I think I made a big mistake…I don't know what to do now. I don't think…that name will ever be my salvation. I made a big mistake. I don't know what to do now-"
A hand pressed on the back of his head and pulled it past her shoulder. With tears falling down her own cheeks, she squeezed his neck lightly.
"I am here," Chunhua whispered, her voice trembling in itself yet was steady enough to hold him together.
Hai's breath hitched against her shoulder, uneven and fragile - so unlike the man the world knew. His fingers clutched at her sleeve, as if afraid she might slip away the moment he loosened his grip.
"I will tell you what to do. For now, you go to sleep."
"I don't think I can sleep…"
"You should still try because you should be in good spirits tomorrow. Then the next thing you will do is talk to Jinhai."
He buried his face in her neck. "He wouldn't want to talk to me."
"He will. Assuming wrong things will only hurt you unnecessarily."
"...Then?"
"Then you sort things out with him. Hug him and treat him to ice-cream. But only one scoop. Okay, fine. Two scoops max."
His eyes felt tired. "Then?"
"Then you watch Jinhai and Jing together. Everyday. You watch them grow older. You will see how much the brothers love each other. How much they will grow to adore each other. Jinhai will be a very doting brother, you know? Even more doting than us parents."
"Then…?" His eyelids grew heavier.
"Then…" Chunhua smiled, her gaze flickering. "Then you will start to see that ghost disappear from our life. Slowly. Probably it will continue to hurt you for some more time. If you feel that figure haunting you again, you come to me. I will hug you and cook for you. I am learning more new recipes. You will definitely like them."
"Then?"
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Then a day will come when...your sons will hold your hands and drag you out of that wretched place, Hai. Have faith in your sons. That day will come soon. I am sure of it."
