Because I know you love me.
Do I?
Do I really love him?
It was a question that had always haunted Hai ever since Jinhai's birth. Did he love his son? Or did he hate him?
No, he didn't hate him. He could never hate their child. He was Chunhua's son. She gave birth to him. Even if north and south switched places tomorrow, Hai hating him was simply an impossible proposition.
Yet…
Hai's fingers clutching onto his shoulders silently trembled. He pulled him up on his lap and pinched the tip of his nose.
"I am an idiot. I could have made my life much, much easier than this, but I chose hell anyway."
"Because my name is Jinhai?"
Hai stared down. "...What?"
He blinked. "Dad loves me but you don't really call me by my name."
"I do call you."
"Not like Mom or Aunt. You call me 'My cutest son!' or 'My most handsome son!' or just 'You.'"
Yet Hai wasn't able to truly accept his name. A decision which was his own but which he trembled to embrace himself. The name would hover at the tip of his tongue, but just the sound of it would force him to swallow it back.
Hai laughed. "Because you are my cutest and my most handsome son! What's wrong in saying that? Beauty must be praised~ It would have been more fun if you were my daughter you knowww, hohoho~"
Jinhai peered into his father's eyes, which for some unknown reason, felt to Hai like being caught on an X-ray machine.
"Why do you laugh when you are sad?"
He froze.
His little head tilted questioningly. "Mom says it's not good to laugh when you are sad. You should cry or it hurts even more."
Hai reached out to hold his cheek and he stayed like that for a long time, thinking of a response.
"You just physically look like me, but…you are Chunhua through and through."
Like mother, like son.
"Thank you."
Hai wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer.
"You fell sick last year and for the first time, you came second in exams. You slipped by a rank. Why didn't you cry back then?"
"It was just one year. If I wasn't sick, I would have come first."
"But you were sad about it. You always liked to come to us and show your sparkling A+ grades results, but you hadn't shown us your report card back then."
"It wasn't the top result."
"It didn't matter to us. You still did great despite being sick. A second rank report card wouldn't have made us love you any less. But you didn't show it to us and because you didn't, I knew you were really sad about it. But neither did you cry, nor cause a fuss."
He cupped his other cheek and tugged his face closer, his eyes boring into his.
"Wearing your heart on your sleeve is harder than you think. It's easier for me to laugh like how it was easier for you to stay quiet. There is a weak and vulnerable side of us which we don't like to show to the world, especially to the ones we love."
Jinhai continued to stare while giving his words a deep thought. He felt he was beginning to understand, though just a little, where his father was coming from.
"Will Dad always laugh like this?"
"I am not always sad. I have a beautiful wife and a cute son - soon to be two. I have more reasons to be happy than sad."
"Then when will you tell you are sad?"
"Never. There are some things I will never tell you."
"Even Mom?"
"Especially her."
Jinhai rubbed his chin as if his thought process just got more serious.
"Not even when I grow to become an adult?"
Hai smiled. "No. I will always like you to see me as the cool dad."
"But I see you as more annoying than cool anyway," he blinked.
"..."
Strike one!
"But it's okay. You don't tell me but I will know when you will be sad. Then I will drink with you."
Hai choked. "Brat, you are too young to drink alcohol. Chunhua will skin me alive."
"That's why I will drink juice for now."
"You…"
The walls that had closed in around his heart seemed to crumble little by little and then came the echo of an untainted, hearty laughter as they completely turned into dust. A laughter that came as light as a bird flying effortlessly in the endless stretch of sky.
The world to Hai in this moment…looked less redder than before.
"Ahhh, you are too smart, Jinhai. What will I ever do with you?"
Jinhai stared at him, expressionless but his little heart bloomed with joy for he had realized something which probably Hai hadn't.
"For now, you can give me some gift ideas for Huian."
Hai brushed the corner of his eye. "Gift? Hmmm, what about earrings? Oh, you can add a cute bracelet too!"
Jinhai glanced left once and nodded.
"Good!" Hai shone. "Now that's that decided, it's your turn to help your mother and me pick a name for your future little sibling~"
"Oh. Jing is a good name."
The bright smile on his lips faltered. "...Re-Really?"
"Yes."
His lips parted once, then closed right back. Then his gaze fixed at his, faintly dark and cryptic.
"...How much do you know?"
"Not much."
"I would appreciate a clear answer."
"I just saw an old picture."
He blinked, but his mind was churning to think of possibilities.
"Mom."
"I won't talk to you if you scold Grandma," Jinhai's eyes matched the cryptic darkness as his.
His eyes narrowed a bit. "What did she tell you?"
"I didn't ask her anything."
"So how did you see the picture?"
"I snooped in her room."
"...That's quite a bold confession. Children shouldn't be snooping around."
"Uncle Guiren says that children are naturally curious, as they should be."
His brow twitched.
"You won't tell me, but it doesn't mean I cannot find it on my own."
"You…are one nosy brat."
"Thank you."
Jinhai then patted his head. "I know you will love my brother like you love me. You don't have to be scared."
Hai pressed his lips and by now, he was simply at a loss for words.
Jing huh…
"Yeah, that feels very poetic indeed."
