Chapter 399: Guilt
"If August is the one who needs to kill the vampire, then there is no reason to try offering yourself in exchange for her," Lucas was saying to Neoma. They were huddled together waiting to discuss things with Graeme further in order to come up with some kind of plan to help August’s objective from afar.
"I still think there is a chance I could help if I go there. If he doesn’t want me in exchange—or if it’s not smart because August needs to be the one who is there—maybe I can help her in some other way," she said quietly, eyes darting around at some of the pack members who were still lingering, asking questions of Graeme and the others.
Many were staring at her—the one who had been hidden, the one who had met a vampire and lived amongst him, the one who had helped formulate a plan to kill their unborn pups, the one who was mauled by Andreas and had gruesome wounds on her face. She was going to be like Frankenstein’s monster here, she could already feel it. There were glares scalding her with their judgment, and she deserved it. She deserved every uncomfortable second of it.
"Don’t let them bother you," Lucas said, noticing the way she was tense, her shoulders hunched up near her ears and her hands wringing themselves in front of her.
"I’m not," she laughed softly, but then her eyes started watering and she glanced away from him.
"They don’t know the whole story. They will get to know you, and it won’t be a problem," he assured her.
"It’s fine, Lucas," she shook her head. "I deserve it, you know?"
"No, you don’t," he said, making himself broader to shield her from some of the stares. "Stop doing this to yourself. How do you deserve it? You weren’t even yourself when you were doing those things for Andreas. You’ve been punished and kept in one prison or another your whole life. You don’t deserve that, darling. No one does."
"Stop," she said abruptly, shooting a glare up at him.
"Stop what?" he asked, his eyebrows threading together in confusion. Was she upset with him?
"Stop defending me. Stop being nice to me! Just stop. I know why you are doing it, and I can’t... I just can’t stand by and take advantage of the guilt you seem to have for things that have happened in your past. I’m not your mate, Lucas. You don’t need to take care of me," she whispered, noticing the blow that landed and feeling a pang of guilt for it.
But he was doing too much for her, and she had the sense to realize that it wasn’t about her so much as it was about him and his unsettled issues. If something happened to her in the coming days or weeks as they fought this vampire or whatever it was they were going to do, he couldn’t let himself be torn up about it. She was willing to sacrifice herself in whatever way needed to atone for her role in this pack’s story, and that might mean that she didn’t have a future here or anywhere else for that matter.
In all honesty, she couldn’t imagine a future in which she was allowed to move on from the mess that Zagan and Zosime and Andreas had created. This was her story in this lifetime. This was her role, and she just had to play it out in the best way she could now that she was aware of how she had been manipulated and used.
"I know that you are not my mate," Lucas frowned. "Why would you even need to bring that up?"
"Because that is the only reason you are helping me," she whimpered. "Please, just—I am determined to make this right, and if that means standing alone to face the shitstorm I have created for myself, that is what I must do."
"But that’s not why I am helping you, Neoma," he said slowly, trying to understand where this outburst was coming from. It was like she was set on punishing herself even more than necessary by insisting that she endure alone.
She rolled her eyes and squared her shoulders as more glares were cast their way. "I am going to find a way to help August, so don’t try to convince me to stay here and protect myself. I was returned to my pack for a purpose. I was given these enhanced abilities for a purpose, and I am not going to squander them by hiding."
"You don’t have to hide, but you also don’t need to run out there on the front lines with a target on your chest," he tried to reason with her.
"Actually, that is exactly what I need to do," she muttered, eyes searching the crowd for the first shooter so she could make herself available to them.
"Why are you so determined to punish yourself? You saved me last night. Don’t you remember that part?" he grabbed her arm to bring her attention back to him, because she was drifting away.
"It was the right thing," she shrugged. "He was here for me, not you."
"Lucas. Neoma," Graeme addressed them with a heavy exhale as he approached where they were standing. "I want us all to meet in my office in a half hour. Now that my memory has returned, we won’t need to waste time in simply bringing me up to speed about everything that has happened. With Selah’s knowledge and your own," he said, nodding to Neoma, "we should be able to come up with a strategy for helping August while she deals with the vampire."
"Of course," Neoma nodded eagerly.
"But first, Greta is going to get you some antibiotics Neoma, because I am concerned about how aggravated your wounds look after everything you went through last night. I’m sorry that we are not as well versed in the care of alyko here as we are lycans. It has been a long time since Beth or Greta or any of the other healers have had to care for alyko, but I’m happy that will be changing," Graeme said. "Will you follow Greta to medical and allow her to care for you properly?" he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder to guide her to where his sister was waiting.
"I feel fine," she insisted but allowed herself to be led that way anyway. When others saw the way Graeme was treating Neoma like a trusted friend and ally, many of the glares softened and turned away.
"You are free to come with her, Lucas," Graeme added, noticing how the male was simply standing there, staring at Graeme’s hand on the girl’s shoulder with a distant look in his eyes.
"No, Lucas can stay here," she said, glancing back at her friend as she walked away.
