Chapter 336: What Remains
Kael
The courtyard was quiet at this hour.
My wolves moved efficiently in the gentle light of the moon, and it was unfortunate how quite they were. My solemness had infected them, and I had never intended for that to happen.
It was a silly wish, but it would be absurd if they couldn’t feel it either.
These wolves had served me for years. They could sense their ruler was wounded.
They at least gave me space the way a pack gives space to a bleeding Alpha. Present, watchful, and careful not to look too directly at the injury.
My breath clouded in the air as I overlooked the preparations. Even with the fading snow, it was still cold.
I wondered if the cold is part of why the ache in my chest had not lessened.
It should have dulled by now. It had been hours since she spoke those words, since the warmth that had lived beside my heartbeat for months went quiet and cold.
There was no rejection sickness. Neither was there any physical deterioration.
But the hollow space she left behind throbbed with each beat of my heart, and no healer had a remedy for that.
Ila and Tow came to mind. They were back in Fresna, managing affairs in my absence, as they always did.
A bitter smile tugged at my lips.
How would I explain it? How would I walk through the gates of my own territory and face wolves who had watched me pursue Violet, who had seen me rearrange alliances and burn political capital for her, who had believed their Supreme Alpha would return with his mate at his side?
I would return alone.
And they would know, without being told, exactly what that meant.
The wolves were nearly done sorting our things. Good. I wanted to be gone before dawn. Before the possibility of running into her became unavoidable.
I could not bear to see her.
And I could not bear to see her with him.
To watch Rowan stand beside her, to see her lean into him the way she used to lean into me, back when I was foolish enough to believe that would last.
I took in a steadying breath.
To think she would even send Voya to look after me. I was grateful, and even touched, but it also still hurt at the same time.
But having someone to talk to at least had helped.
Regardless, I still felt hollow, and no conversation could fill that space.
I felt his presence before hearing the footsteps behind me.
I wished I did not have to see him either.
I chuckled. As much as I resented him, that feeling would not bring her back. It wouldn’t undo the choice she made either.
I turned around.
Rowan stood a few paces behind me.
A wry smile pulled at my lips before I could stop it. "Should you not be with her?"
The uncomfortable look that flashed through his face made me second guess my question. I should not have said that. Rowan’s gaze moved past me to my wolves. He looked surprised.
"You are leaving?"
"Yes."
"Now?" His surprise was oddly genuine. "Would you not want to see her before—"
"No."
The word came out harder than I intended. I exhaled slowly, tempering my voice.
"I have no interest or reason to be here any longer." I looked out at my wolves. They were nearly done, a few of them pausing to stare at me. "And I would rather she not see me like this."
Rowan was quiet.
I had not planned to even talk to him. I had wanted to disappear into the night without another shared word and deal with the aftermath in the privacy of my own territory.
But standing here now, with the cold gnawing at my face and the hollow in my chest yawning wider with every passing minute, I found that I wanted to speak. Even if it was to him.
Perhaps especially because it was him.
I glanced back at him, waiting for the gloating. The subtle satisfaction that victors carried in the lines of their posture, the brightness of their eyes, the barely concealed triumph that came with winning.
It never came.
Instead, Rowan looked at me with an expression I did not want.
Sadness.
He felt sorry for me.
My resentment flared up before I wrestled it back down. I did not want his pity. I did not need his pity. I needed him to be smug and self-satisfied so I could hate him properly and use that hatred to fuel the long journey home.
But I had no defence against this, and I felt so ashamed for feeling this way even though I was wrong.
I normally never behaved or even thought this way.
"There is no need to see her now when we will still meet again." I forced my voice into a steadier register. "There is Nal to oversee. The transition, the new leadership. As you know, she will need to coordinate with the surrounding territories, and Fresna borders Nal’s eastern edge."
I paused.
"I would be in a better state to see her then. At least."
Rowan nodded again, and the understanding in his eyes made my jaw tighten.
If things had been different. If Violet had faced a more pleasant experience in Fresna. If my wolves hadn’t treated her like she was beneath them simply for being an omega. If I had stood up from the very beginning and made them respect her the way they should have respected their Supreme Alpha’s mate.
Would she still have chosen him?
I forced the thought away before it could take root. That path led nowhere I wanted to go.
But it crept back regardless.
Again, and again.
I could have at least gone with her. If I had abandoned my duties for once and chased her across territories the way he had... Ila and Tow were always prepared for my absence. They had managed Fresna a few times before. It would not have been the end of the world.
I thought protecting her from a distance would be safer. Even if it was...
My wolf rumbled, "Kael—"
"I do not want to hear a thing from you."
He went quiet, the rejection making him far more docile than before. It was better, I would not want to hear any berating either way.
’Oh, to hell with this...’
