Chapter 11: Cowardice
Quickly, we arrived at the town square, which is fortunately not too far from the church, although the reason for the proximity is not very cheerful the square is near the church so they can more easily and publicly execute witches due to the proximity.
I enter a tent where some volunteers are making the food, and Alehandro follows me as I sit down in a chair in front of a table.
"Alehandro, what do I need to do...I-I'm not really sure," I ask with uncertainty. It seems simple, but it could end up being quite complex.
"Miss Shizune, all you need to do is serve the meal to the less fortunate, while I ensure your safety. I understand if this seems a bit daunting, but I'll be here to guarantee your security," Alehandro responds calmly but kindly.
"Okay...I think I can do it...you can open to the public." Soon the volunteer in charge of the food opens the front of the tent, and I hadn't noticed the huge line since I had entered from the back.
I do my best smile, which I had trained a lot in the past when I was a man and had to attend meetings, and greet the first person.
"Good morning, ma'am, may the grace of Solaris be with you." An elderly woman who appears to be in her 60s is the first in line.
"Oh, saintly miss, I can't believe I've lived long enough to meet you," the old woman says, almost in tears, as I hand her a wooden bowl containing some kind of vegetable soup.
"Thank you, saintly miss, thank you so much," the old woman expresses her gratitude, as if just receiving this meal were something incredible.
"Don't thank me, thank the goddess Solaris first, and then the cook," I say with a smile, passing the credit to the others.
She nods and leaves, making room for the next person, and so I greet people and serve food for the first four hours, generally spending just a few seconds with each person.
However, there are others who are a bit inconvenient and want to continue chatting, but they soon leave when they see Alehandro's stern look, which makes sense since lingering conversations disrupt the line and time is limited.
'Is this going to take much longer?' It seems like it'll never end.
"Good morning, may the grace of Solaris be with you," I say to another person, a strange woman dressed in a hood.
"Ah, saintly miss, may the grace of Solaris be with you as well," she says, but her tone seems strange and a bit nervous.
'Is there something wrong with this woman?...' Suddenly, Alehandro quickly unsheathes his sword and strikes, and I'm surprised by the movement until I see a dagger embedded in the ceiling.
'S-She was going to kill me!'
"Tsk," the woman clicks her tongue and runs, her movement erratic and not at all professional.
"..."Alehandro looks at her for a moment and then at me, who is frightened by the attempted assassination. Soon, Alehandro gets into position and throws the sword, which moves very quickly and hits the fleeing woman's head perfectly.
I see several people stunned as everything is in chaos.
I'm shivering from it all, both the attempt to kill me and the death I've just witnessed. I've died before, but I've never witnessed the death of another person, and seeing it frightens me.
I'm in shock, observing the woman's corpse lying on the ground, blood flowing from the head where the sword was embedded to a depth that I think pierced the skull.
"I'm sorry, Miss Shizune, but we must return to the church. It was an attack by a witch, and there may be more. It's not safe to continue here," Alehandro says as he helps me up from the chair.
He begins to guide me through the streets to the church while I'm completely in shock. I've just survived an assassination attempt and witnessed the end of a life, and it's too shocking to just act normally.
As we run, I ask Alehandro.
"W-Why did you kill her?"
"I killed her because she was a witch, Miss Shizune. I could tell by the pattern engraved on the dagger, and the dagger was dripping with poison if it had hit you, you could have died," he responds as if taking a life is just a routine matter.
As if it's nothing more than a routine, I pull my hand away from his while stopping running.
"A-Are you serious? Why didn't you just arrest her? Why did you kill her? She was also a person..." I say, not quite understanding what I'm feeling. I've never been so altruistic as to care about the life of a stranger, especially one who tried to kill me.
"I don't think I can understand, Miss Shizune. I'm no saint, so I don't understand why I should have let her live, and I understand even less why you want to let her live," he says with a certain disdain, not directed at me but at the situation.
"I don't think it's right to kill people. She was also a person; she could have had a family and friends... you should have just arrested her..." I say, not really knowing how to convince Alehandro.
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To me, coming from modern society, the option of killing seems unrealistic, and worse, in this world, the aspect of personality I've acquired is altruism, which makes me repudiate the act of killing someone.
Even though I'm afraid of death and that person tried to kill me, I still don't think it's right to end her life.
"Miss Shizune, with all due respect, you're being irrational. She tried to kill you, a single scratch from that dagger could have meant the end of your life, and it's not enough that she's a damn witch she tried to kill a saint," he speaks as if what I've said is completely irrational.
"Even so, you shouldn't have killed her. You're strong, you could have run and captured her, so why did you kill her without more ado? And... what if she was being forced? What if she wasn't even a witch, but a victim who was forced to try to kill me?" I invent anything to put in this religious man's head.
"Even so, she still committed the greatest crime of treason against the church. She tried to kill a saint. If she were a good and righteous civilian, she would have chosen death over succumbing to illusory threats."
What he says is in a way an insult. He speaks as if the possibility of what I said is nothing but a delusion in my head.
"And what if it had been me? What if I did something wrong, would you kill me?" I say with courage.
"Would you kill me if I committed sacrilege and broke something sacred? Would you kill me if I were a sinner? Would you kill me if I did something wrong, even if it was against my will? Wouldn't you even try to hear my side of the story?"
"I would never kill you, Miss Shizune," Alehandro says with total surprise.
"Then why did you kill that woman? Why didn't you even try to hear her out? What if she wasn't even a witch? What makes me different from her?"
"Of course you're different from her. You're a pure and kind saint, while that woman is a filthy witch who spreads darkness through the world," Alehandro says with conviction.
"Wrong," I say to him, who looks at me with surprise.
"You're wrong, everything you said is wrong." I'm not pure or kind. I betrayed the person who loved me for momentary pleasure in my past life. In my past life, I was selfish and greedy.
I trampled on many to reach the top, and I used someone's love to gain benefits. Without Sayuri, I never would have been successful.
I was no different from these common plebeians. I was just an ordinary man with nothing but an unrealistic dream until Sayuri appeared. Without her, I would have achieved nothing.
'I was so stupid...' At first, I truly loved Sayuri. She was the light of my life, but at some point, I lost my way. My selfishness and greed became more important than my love, gradually making me forget how much I cared for Sayuri.
And now I'm paying dearly for my mistake. In the end, the only feelings I have towards Sayuri are fear, fear that she'll decide to worsen my situation, fear that she'll come after me. Fear that her hatred for me will increase, fear that she'll suddenly appear to me. Fear that she'll do something even worse. I'm afraid of dying, I'm afraid of pain. I'm selfish, greedy, and cowardly, and even this current altruism is only because of the world I'm in.
I'm the most fake and sinful person I know. I'm not pure or kind. My first thoughts were to cling to the protection of others like a coward, my actions were all those of a coward as I hid and planned to gain the protection of others because I'm afraid to face my punishment.
I'm a hateful person who didn't deserve the love Sayuri gave me, and in the end, I turned all my feelings for her into fear, tarnishing the image of that cheerful and kind girl who always wanted to help me.
"I'm no saint, and she wasn't a witch. In the end, we're just humans...just humans..." I tell Alehandro what I believe to be the truth. I'm no saint, I'm just a coward who stains altruism and kindness with selfishness and cowardice.
"Let's go back to the church," I say, not very enthusiastic. I feel an even greater weight has fallen upon me, because this scene of death has forced me to confront a reality that I hate and have always hated.
I am a coward, regardless of the world, I am a coward who needs the help of others to achieve anything. I have always been and will always be a coward who clings to others, no matter the world.