Chapter 316: Vanitas [8]
"...Be rational for once, Melissa. You’ve only known the guy for ten years."
Zen pinched the bridge of his nose afterward while trying to understand how the conversation somehow ended up here in the first place.
From his perspective, Melissa was becoming emotionally invested far too quickly, especially considering how many lifetimes they had already experienced together.
Moreover, the current Melissa was still only ten years old.
By his own estimation, nearly fifty additional years had passed for him since this particular reincarnation began.
"How exactly are you planning to explain any of this to him?" Zen asked.
Melissa blinked. "Explain what?"
"Everything."
"Fine." Melissa immediately crossed her arms. "You’re completely missing the part where I’m over five hundred years old now."
"...."
That was the uncomfortable truth neither of them particularly liked acknowledging.
Over the countless cycles they had experienced together, Melissa had accumulated centuries’ worth of memories and experiences. While her physical age continuously reset from one life to the next, her actual existence stretched far beyond.
And because of that, there existed an unspoken rule between the two of them.
A rule that neither ever discussed openly.
They simply pretended their mental ages did not exist.
Because the moment they began seriously thinking about it, everything immediately became strange.
Friendships became strange.
Families became strange.
Relationships became strange.
The entire concept of human interaction itself gradually became difficult to navigate when measured against centuries of accumulated memories and experiences spanning countless lifetimes.
How were they supposed to treat people?
As strangers?
As friends?
As family?
Every reincarnation introduced new faces, new lives, and new circumstances. People they once loved disappeared forever. People they hated sometimes returned wearing different faces.
Entire bloodlines were born and disappeared before they could even blink an eye, while only Zen and Melissa continued carrying their memories forward through the endless cycle.
After enough time passed, normal relationships stopped feeling normal altogether.
The entire concept of human interaction became difficult to navigate when measured against centuries of accumulated memories and experiences, especially for Zen.
Because, unlike Melissa, who consistently avoided romantic relationships throughout most of her life, Zen had repeatedly entered marriages, relationships, and families across numerous reincarnations out of necessity.
After enough repetitions, even Zen himself began losing track.
There were simply too many faces to remember. Too many names. Too many lives that belonged to people who only existed for a brief moment before disappearing forever.
Because of that, the two eventually established a rule.
It was a simple rule, yet perhaps the most important one they ever made for each other.
Whatever relationships existed within one life were to remain in that life. Nothing was allowed to carry over into the next cycle.
Once a life ended, relationships were to be left behind completely. Otherwise, neither of them would ever be able to move forward.
What else were they supposed to do?
Remain loyal to spouses who died hundreds of years ago?
Treat every descendant of a previous family as their own forever?
Continue mourning relationships from lifetimes that no longer existed?
That path only led to madness.
And so they agreed that each life belonged to itself. Each relationship belonged to the person they were during that particular lifetime. Once death arrived, they would let those connections rest peacefully and continue onward.
At least, that was the agreement.
Unfortunately, humans were never particularly good at following the rules they created for themselves. No matter how logical a rule appeared on paper, emotions rarely listened to reason.
Even after centuries of experience, neither Zen nor Melissa was immune to that fact.
And perhaps nowhere was that more obvious than Melissa.
"Wait..."
Zen suddenly paused midway through his thoughts.
For the first time in a very long while, something finally clicked into place within his mind.
It was so obvious in hindsight that he almost felt stupid for not realizing it sooner.
"Melissa... is the reason you never tried finding someone throughout your other lives..."
"...."
Melissa’s alone already gave him his answer.
Unlike Zen, who had repeatedly allowed himself to form new relationships throughout different reincarnations, Melissa never truly did.
Sure, she made friends, she met people, and she cared about others.
But she never allowed herself to go any further than that.
And suddenly, Zen finally understood why.
It was because she did not want to become attached.
Every relationship had an expiration date for them. Every person they met would eventually die.
And because of that, she chose not to form those attachments in the first place.
Yet somehow, Fyodor became the exception.
"Oppa..."
Melissa finally spoke after several moments of silence.
"I understand what you’re trying to say. So... alright."
A faint smile appeared on her face.
"I’ll leave it be."
"...."
Zen still could not understand what exactly made Fyodor so special. He genuinely tried.
Objectively speaking, he respected the boy.
After the massacre of the Dragunov Household and Melissa’s death in that lifetime, Fyodor endured unimaginable suffering.
He fought back against the people responsible. He sacrificed everything for revenge. He carried his hatred to the very end and accomplished what most people never could.
Zen respected that.
But... was that really enough?
Any sane man would have done the same.
Anyone who lost their family, their home, and the person they loved would naturally seek revenge.
There was nothing particularly unique about that reaction. It was tragic. Admirable, perhaps. But not extraordinary enough to explain why Melissa wanted to remember him in this lifetime.
Nevertheless, after that conversation, Melissa did heed his words.
She stopped bringing up Fyodor, and whatever feelings she had for him were buried away.
Life continued as it always did, and for a while, Zen believed the matter had finally been resolved.
Then one day, he discovered something far more disturbing.
"Melissa..."
Zen slowly lowered the notebook in his hands. His eyes moved across the pages once more as if hoping he had misunderstood what he was reading.
Unfortunately, the contents remained exactly the same.
"Explain yourself."
Spread across the desk were countless pages of notes. At first glance, they looked no different from the sort of research both of them frequently conducted throughout their many lives.
However, the deeper Zen read, the darker his expression became.
Every page revolved around a single subject.
Methods of erasing memories.
There were theories regarding the separation of memories from the soul, hypotheses concerning selective memory deletion, and attempts at preventing previous-life recollections from resurfacing after reincarnation.
Some sections were crossed out entirely, while others were packed with frantic annotations written in Melissa’s handwriting.
Melissa slowly lowered her gaze.
"I’m tired, Oppa..."
"...."
"How am I supposed to keep living like this?"
Zen immediately frowned. "Melissa—"
"Please."
She cut him off before he could continue.
Her hands trembled slightly as she stared at the scattered notes covering the desk. For perhaps the first time in centuries, Melissa looked genuinely vulnerable.
"If I have to live another life with all these memories intact..." she said, "I think I’m going to go insane..."
Silence filled the room afterward.
Of course, none of her research had succeeded.
The soul was far too complex, and even after all their accumulated knowledge, neither of them possessed a reliable method for selectively removing memories without destroying the person in the process.
Yet the fact that Melissa was researching something like this at all was what truly disturbed Zen.
Melissa slowly laughed.
"Every cycle," she said. "Every single cycle, I swear to God, once my memories start coming back, I’m going to kill myself..."
"...."
"I’m sorry, Oppa," Melissa continued. "But I’m not like you."
"...."
"I’m not strong enough for this."
Her voice began to crack.
"Do you know how guilty it feels?"
"...."
"Do you know what it’s like watching you build families every lifetime? Watching you marry, have children, and spend decades with people who genuinely love you? Watching them become your entire world?"
Melissa clenched her fists.
"Because I’ve watched it happen over and over again."
"...."
"I’ve watched you treat your wife like she’s the most important person in your life. I’ve watched you spend years raising children. I’ve watched you laugh with them, cry with them, and sacrifice everything for them."
She looked directly at him.
"And then I watch you die."
"...."
"Then I watch you wake up in the next life and do it all over again."
Melissa’s eyes had become red.
"You tell me that every life is separate. You tell me that relationships belong to that lifetime alone. You tell me that letting go is the only way to survive."
She shook her head.
"But I can’t do it."
"...."
"Because I remember them."
Melissa lowered her gaze.
"I remember their faces. I remember their names. I remember your children calling you father. I remember your wives crying when you died."
Her fingers tightened against the edge of the desk.
"And then in the next life, they’re just gone."
"....’
"Meanwhile, you keep moving forward."
Melissa laughed bitterly.
"You call it acceptance. You call it survival. And maybe it is... maybe it fucking is..."
Then she slowly raised her head.
"But, Oppa..."
There was genuine fear in her eyes.
"You terrify me."
"...."
Out of everything she could have said, that was the one thing he had never expected.
Melissa looked at him as though she were staring at a stranger.
"I don’t understand how you do it."
Tears slowly formed in her eyes.
"How do you carry centuries of graves inside your head and still wake up every morning like everything is normal?"
She swallowed hard.
"How do you love people that deeply and then let them go over and over again?"
Zen opened his mouth to answer. But words came out. He genuinely did not know what to say.
"Oppa," she whispered. "How can you still call yourself human?"
Silence filled the room.
Neither of them moved, and neither of them looked away.
"Melissa, I—"
"I have something I never told you."
"...."
"I’m sorry," Melissa began. "But during these recent cycles, it’s been speaking to me."
Zen frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Araxys."
The moment she said the name, Zen’s entire body froze.
For a moment, he thought he had misheard her. Araxys had remained dormant for ages. Though its influence continued to shape the world through its systems and mechanisms, direct communication was something entirely different.
"...What?"
"It’s been communicating with me."
"...."
Zen took a step forward without realizing it. His mind immediately began racing through countless possibilities. The fact that Melissa had hidden this from him only made the situation worse.
"What has it been saying?"
At that exact moment, Zen did not care that she had concealed it from him. He did not care how long it had been happening or why she had never mentioned it before.
All he wanted to know was what Araxys wanted.
"It gave me an option, Oppa."
"...What option?"
"It offered me a way out."
The words made no sense. Melissa’s existence was fundamentally tied to Araxys. She was its anchor. Everything they had endured, everything Zen had spent countless lifetimes trying to overcome, originated from that single reality.
And yet, Araxys was offering her freedom.
"It said that if I wanted to," Melissa continued,"I could leave the cycle."
The room fell silent once more.
"A way to stop reincarnating?"
Melissa slowly nodded. "Yes."
For centuries, Zen had dedicated his existence toward finding a solution for Melissa. He had studied the soul, challenged the laws of reality, and pushed humanity forward in the hope that one day he would free her from the burden forced upon her by Araxys.
Yet now, the opportunity had appeared before her first.
"It said I could leave."
Then she looked directly at him.
"It said I could leave you."
"...."
For several moments, Zen could not process what he had just heard. Everything seemed to stop at that single sentence.
Melissa’s eyes gradually filled with tears.
"I’m sorry."
"...."
"I know what we promised each other. I know we said we’d keep finding one another no matter how many lives passed."
She lowered her head.
"But I don’t think I can do this anymore."
"...."
"I’m tired, Oppa."
"...."
"I’m tired of remembering everyone."
Tears slowly rolled down her cheeks.
"I’m tired of losing people. I’m tired of pretending I can keep carrying all of this."
She didn’t bother wiping them away anymore.
"Do you even know what your daughter said to me in the previous cycle after your death?"
"...."
"She asked me if I would still visit after she got married."
"...."
"She was so excited. She spent an entire afternoon talking about her future. About the family she wanted to build. About how she wanted her children to call you Grandpa even after you were gone."
Her voice cracked.
"Despite everything... she still remembered you."
"...."
"And what about you?"
"Of course I do—"
"I remember her, Oppa."
"...."
"I remember her smile. I remember the way she’d run up to me, calling me Aunty! Aunty!"
More tears rolled down her face as she laughed bitterly.
"I remember her face."
Her shoulders shook.
"I remember her voice."
A sob escaped her lips.
"But I don’t remember her name."
"...."
"I forgot her name, Oppa."
"It was... Alicia...?"
A hollow laugh escaped her lips.
"Haha... You’re wrong, Oppa. I know it wasn’t Alicia, at the very least."
Zen’s eyes widened. He had been so certain. It was just the previous cycle, after all. Naturally, he remembered her hair color, her smile, and he remembered teaching her
And yet, the name he gave was wrong.
"...."
Zen slowly lowered his head.
"...Was it Elena?"
"Not that, either."
"...."
"Do you understand now? I don’t want another cycle."
Zen stared at her.
For several moments, neither of them spoke.
"...."
Then something inside Zen finally snapped.
The realization that Melissa believed he had somehow accepted this fate, that he had learned to live with it while she alone suffered, ignited something ugly within him.
Before he even realized what he was doing, he grabbed her shoulders again.
"Do you think I wanted this?!"
His voice exploded throughout the room.
The force behind it caused the furniture around them to shake. Papers scattered into the air mana leaked from his body.
"For fuck’s sake, Melissa! Do you think I’m not going as crazy as you are?!"
Melissa’s eyes widened, terrified. She had never seen him like this before.
Zen’s eyes had become bloodshot. "You think I don’t remember them?"
"...."
"You think I don’t remember every wife I’ve buried? Every child I’ve watched grow old while I stayed behind? Every friend who died while I kept moving forward?!"
Cracks slowly spread across the floor as mana surged uncontrollably through the surroundings. The magical formulas embedded throughout the walls flickered, unable to compensate for the pressure radiating from him.
"You think I don’t wake up every day remembering all of them?!"
Zen tightened his grip unconsciously.
"You think I don’t remember their faces?! Their voices?! Their dreams?! So what if I confused the names wrong?!"
"...."
"I remember all of them, Melissa!"
"...."
"I remember them every single day!’
"Oppa—"
"No."
The single word echoed throughout the room with enough force to silence everything else.
"You think I don’t want this to end?"
His voice cracked again.
"You think I don’t want to forget?"
The pressure surrounding them continued to increase.
"You think I don’t spend every day wondering whether I’m still human?!"
Melissa took a step backward.
The mana pouring from Zen had become dangerous.
"Oppa, please—"
"I’m as tired as you are, too!"
Crackle——!
The room exploded with power.
Then suddenly, everything became quiet as a single crack echoed through the room.
The sound was so small that neither of them immediately understood what it meant.
"...."
Zen blinked. The rage vanished from his face almost instantly the moment he realized Melissa was no longer speaking.
She was staring at him.
Her eyes had widened.
Confusion slowly surfaced across her expression.
Then blood trickled from the corner of her mouth.
"...Melissa?"
Zen’s voice immediately lost all strength.
"N-No..."
His hands loosened.
Only then did he realize what had happened.
The unstable soul magic surrounding him had lashed out unconsciously. The same power he had spent countless lifetimes mastering had reacted to his emotional state and struck the closest target without him even realizing it.
And that target had been Melissa.
"Ah..."
At that moment, Zen screamed like a madman before inevitably taking his own life.
