Chapter 3: My Entire Anatomy is Just a Bloody Straw
As it charges towards me, I coil into a tight red circle, and when it gets close, I don’t jump forward; I launch myself straight up like a snapped rubber band.
I sail over its greasy back, screaming internally, and land right behind it. Before it can turn, I dive for the one soft spot on its neck and bite down with everything I’ve got.
Venom floods. The roach goes stiff, lets out a greasy sizzle, and plops over a wave of disgust, and triumph washes through me. I actually killed it.
[System: ...Well, shit. You actually did. Good job, you tiny dick head. How does the trash juice taste?]
fucking disgusting. I feel like I just drank from a hobo’s shoe, but I killed it! I killed something. Killing bugs today, maybe tomorrow I’ll figure out how to file a formal complaint and get a hot milf system instead.
1
[System: Mate, you killed a single cockroach. Calm your tits. But hey, you got some loose change for it.]
A blue box pops up in my vision:
[COMBAT VICTORY: GREASE-ROACH DESTROYED]
[+5 INDULGENCE POINTS (Total: 10 IP)]
[System: Since you aren’t completely broke anymore, the shop unlocked a few random skills you can buy with your 10 points. But remember the rules, princess: you only have THREE skill slots. If you buy one of these, you have to permanently delete [Slither], [Hiss], or [Baby Seal Slap] from your soul. Choose your fighter:]
[Legless But Fast (Rank E)]: A genuinely good skill. Gives you a 300% explosive speed burst for two seconds. Perfect for biting something or running away like a bitch.
[Discount Chitin (Rank F)]: Absorbed from the roach you just bit. Makes your scales slightly tankier against physical hits, but the trade-off is that you smell like a petrol station sushi roll left in a hot car for three days.
[Sub-Par Levitation (Rank F)]: You can hover exactly 2 inches off the ground for 5 seconds. Completely useless because you are a snake and your entire life is already lived at zero inches off the ground.
Why is the hover one even an option? Who decided this piece of shit?
[System: Don’t look at me, mate, I just run the interface. Now, eat up. Dinner is served. Free protein.]
I look at the dead, greasy bug. My human brain immediately recoils in absolute horror. Hell no. I was a human. I am not eating a radioactive dumpster roach. Fuck that. I have standards.
[System: You’re a snake in a gutter, you hypocritical little piece of cold spaghetti. Stop acting like you’re too good for a midnight snack.]
I don’t care, I’m not eating it. I’d rather starve.
[System: Suit yourself, high-maintenance boot to be. Leave the free buffet. But you better pick a skill and slither your tiny red ass out of here right now, or put those 5 IP, well, 10 IP points towards evolution]
Why? I’m processing my options.
[System: Because that bug let out a loud death rattle before it kicked the bucket and down here? A dead roach is just a free dinner bell for the things with actual teeth. And guess what, champ? My radar shows something massive heading this way. Hope you like running!]
I’ll find something else!
I hissed back.
My tiny red tail is twitching in pure denial.
There’s got to be something down here that isn’t covered in dumpster slime. Like... a mutant grocery store. Maybe some canned spam? I’d eat canned Spam.
[System: Canned spam? Were you dropped as a baby, mate? You’re a string of yarn. Even if you found a tin of Spam, how the hell are you gonna open it? You don’t have a can opener because let me double-check your anatomy here, oh right, YOU DON’T HAVE FUCKING HANDS, YOU FUCKWIT.]
I’ll bite the can open! I have venom!
[System: Yeah, spicy spit against industrial can. Good luck with that, Bear Grylls. Let me lay it out for you, princess: if you don’t put raw meat into your face-hole, you don’t get biomass. No biomass means no evolution. No evolution means you stay a pathetic red shoelace until some orc steps on you by accident. You’re literally choosing starvation because of your human ego.]
It’s not an ego, it’s a gag reflex! I’m not eating the roach!
[System: Gag reflex? Mate, you’re a bloody straw! Your entire anatomy is just a mouth connected to an asshole! You don’t even have a stomach valve to gag with, you’ve just got a severe case of being a soft-cock Londoner who misses his little meal deals.]
It was a Tesco meal deal, and it had dignity!
I shot back, my tiny crimson head bobbing aggressively in the dust.
And yes, I am drawing the line at a creature that literally lubricates itself with sewer grease. I’ll find a mutant pigeon or something later. At least that’s poultry.
[System: Poultry? Right, yeah. Can’t wait to see you try to pluck feathers with your chin, you absolute dropkick. Good luck chasing a bird when your current maximum velocity is ’sluggish wiggle’.]
THUD.
A heavy, wet vibration rattled the stone beneath my scales. My thermal radar suddenly flared, flashing a massive, blinding white streak of pure, angry heat turning the corner of the tunnel. It was huge, it had way too many legs, and it was moving at a terrifying speed.
Wait, wait, wait! The giant radar blob! It’s actually here?!
[System: Bloody hell, mate! That’s a Mutant Sewer-Hound. Twelve legs, zero eyes, and it can smell that fresh bug juice on your face from a mile away. It’s coming straight for you, my friend. You’ve got about three seconds before you become a chew toy.]
The skills! Buy the fast one! Buy the fast one right now!
[System: [Legless But Fast]? That’ll wipe out all 10 of your points, princess. And you gotta delete a skill to make room. What’s it gonna be?]
Delete [Slither]! Delete it! Just make me fast!
[System: Done. Deleting [Slither]. Typing in [Legless But Fast]. Go on then, slither away like a proper little bitch you are.]
Before I could even process the text box shifting, a violent burst of energy ignited in my spine. I didn’t just slither. I completely launched.
WHOOSH.
I became a high-speed crimson blur, rocketing across the grimy floor like a stray firework. The 300% speed burst was absolute, terrifying chaos. I bypassed the ruins of the market stall in a fraction of a second, leaving a trail of grey dust behind me as a massive, twelve-legged nightmare burst through the front entrance, shattering the rusted dumpster into scrap metal.
The two-second speed burst expired right as I reached the back brick wall. I slammed sideways into the stone, completely disoriented, but my silver slit eyes instantly locked onto a tiny saviour: a small, narrow hole in the mortar where an old construction nail used to be.
It was barely wide enough for a pencil. Luckily, I was currently the size of a pencil.
The darkness of the nail-hole was absolute. It was the kind of claustrophobic, suffocating silence that made you realise just how pathetic your existence really was, a strip of red muscle hiding in a wall because a sewer dog wanted to turn you into a calamari appetiser.
Safe. I was completely safe. The sheer adrenaline crash hit my tiny reptile brain like a physical brick. Squeezed tightly inside the dark nail-hole, my vision went fuzzy, and I instantly passed out cold.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I woke up and realised I’m not dead; nothing ate me while sleeping. The bar is low, but it’s something.
I look at my progress bar. Let’s start evolving!
Comments