"And then... I stepped off the roof," I whispered.
Bella pulled me into a hug as I began to cry on her shoulder. The tears had hardly stopped since I woke up. Bella was the only one who truly understood what I had gone through, but my other lovers could feel my pain through the bond. Despite my state, I had the wherewithal to shut everyone else out of this private moment with my lovers.
"It was horrible... feeling like that," I let out between sobs.
The only ones listening in the room were my lovers. Bella had wisely asked everyone else who had been watching over me to leave the room, or to go home for the ones who didn't live with us. This wasn't a side of myself anyone had ever seen before. A side of myself that I hadn't ever experienced before. The me that was here, anyway. The me that was Lilith and not Liam.
I remembered my entire past life now, growing up, going to school, college, my career, and my final moments. I now understand why Fortuna seemed so adamant that I wouldn't want these memories to return. They were so painful. But at the same time... they gave me some much needed context. Not just for my relationship with my sister, but for myself.
Pulling away from Bella, I looked down at my body. It felt so right to me now. Right in a way that I hadn't even understood. Couldn't have understood without my old experiences. I now truly know what I had been offering to everyone that became a succubus this entire time. Even the ones who hadn't originally been female never felt like that. Even if it made them women, it didn't allow them to feel the way that I had. I would have been devastated if any of them had felt a sliver of what I had gone through in my previous life.
Looking down at my feminine body gave me a huge swell of euphoria. I hadn't experienced that before either, but the sheer rightness of my body was a high that felt amazing. My body was perfect. I, or maybe rather, the Lilith that had woken up like that, had always loved the way that she looked. But it was incomparable to how much the changes meant to me now. My inhuman features, like my horns and my tail, felt a bit odd now that I had something to compare them to, but they still felt very much like me. I was perfect. I love myself. I look just the way that I want to look, and even if I wanted a small change, I could make those changes anytime I want now.
I pulled Bella into another hug and shared my euphoria with her through the bond. I let her feel how much I loved my body, and she shared her own euphoria with me in turn. The two of us connected more deeply than we ever had before that moment. We've been close since we met, we loved each other, we cared for each other, but now we both truly understood each other. It was a feeling that I was sure the others wouldn't understand. They wouldn't feel the gravity of it. The sheer difference of moving from one extreme to the other. Even though this experience was horrible, reliving a piece of that life, it was worth it for this feeling.
But there was also a guilt that weighed heavily on my chest. The guilt that I had felt so hopeless that I killed myself over it. I understand why I did it, but it was foolish. I wasn't here because of how I died, like the stories I had read. I died, and my sister plucked my soul out of the stream the same way that Charon had plucked her soul from it. All my death did was hurt the people around me because I was too weak to face those feelings directly.
It was Fortuna... Ashley, that I had to thank for my second chance at life. But things weren't perfect between us. There were still a lot of questions surrounding her actions in this world. I need to find out if she was the one who created this situation just to bring me here, or if I was just a convenient person to choose for her. But I also know that I love her now. I grew up with her always holding my hand and helping me along. She was always there to help me when I was at my lowest, and it was only when she was away that I had even been capable of doing what I did to myself. All of my loved ones around me, all of the people that I've done my best to help, are also here because of her. That meant something too.
I know that she has hurt people to accomplish her goals. Charon and Fortuna believe that I will be aligned with them when I find out what's at stake, but I don't know what kind of losses are acceptable. I don't know the scale of the battle they're fighting with the other gods, or what their enemies' ultimate plan is. I need to learn more about what Fortuna wants and what Allerella and Moira are trying to accomplish. I owe it to my sister to withhold my judgment until after I understand what the war they're fighting for is even about. I owe her that much and more. My sister Ashley was a good person who did a lot for me and the people around her. I just don't know how much Fortuna had experienced since then and how much she has changed in the time between our reincarnations.
It's strange to think that I had died before her, yet she's been a god for thousands of years before I woke up here nearly a year ago. Our souls were just out there somewhere waiting to be reborn, but we were plucked from the stream to be reborn here before our personalities and experience were wiped away.
Do I regret regaining my memories? I don't know. I can't decide. It changes everything, yet changes almost nothing. I don't feel any different, not really. I'm still me. I didn't get replaced with the 'old' me, exactly. It just feels like my new life is tacked on to the end of my old one now. Some things are blurrier. I can't remember all the names and faces of my old life anymore, but I remember what's important.
"Sorry, I'm okay now," I say, pulling away.
Bella frowned and cupped the side of my head. "Are you sure? The memories seem to have hit you hard."
I sniffled, but gave her a nod. "I'm alright. It's just... a lot to process."
"Do you still feel like you're... you?" Morrigan asked, somewhat worriedly.
I gave Mori a soft smile before leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. "I'm still me, just with a bit less memory loss. I have a lot more context on my relationship with my sister, and even more on myself, but I'm still me. In some ways better than ever, in other ways... more fragile than before. But I'll be fine. We'll be fine. I still love all of you. Actually, I love all of you even more now, because now I know what true loneliness feels like. I know how lucky I am to have each and every one of you. I love all of you so much. Thank you for being here and helping me tonight."
Everyone began to hug me from every angle. Bella, Morrigan, Torien, and Mimi were all there for me when I needed them the most. It wasn't just them, either. Most of my closest friends were here in my home earlier tonight, and every succubus in the city, each a member of my extended family, gave me their direct support, even the ones that didn't know me that well. I was connected to all of them. Connected to more people than I could count with unbreakable tethers. I would never be in that lonely place again, because I was connected to everyone here, and I loved every member of my family. From the ones holding me, to the ones all the way in Goldenhearth and beyond. Not to mention my child, the first of many, sleeping soundly in Nelly's room.
"We should talk more about all of it, everything I experienced, but not tonight. Even though I slept for so long, I'm feeling rather exhausted," I said with a chuckle.
Torien smiled and rubbed my back. "If you're feeling well enough to crack a joke, I'd say you're gonna be okay."
I smiled at her weakly as all of us got undressed and ready for bed. I wasn't going to be able to depart for Goldenhearth tomorrow, but that was a bit expected. Just one day of rest though, and then I would be ready to face the world. Despite the pain, I'm stronger and more complete now. I would bounce back from this because I have a reason to now. I have people I love and want to protect here. I have friends and family in this city who need me. I know what it's like to give up, and I would never put anyone I loved through that again. I would get back on my feet for my sister, for my lovers, for my family, and most importantly, for myself.
Never again will I give up on myself and throw everything away because I can't face things head on. It certainly helps that I'm happy with my body now, but it's more than that. I'm stronger than I was back then. I've faced hardships and challenges in this life that would have broken my old self, and I've come out stronger for it. Even this experience, reliving the memory of my past self, isn't enough to break me down anymore. I'm stronger than I've ever been.
It's okay to be weak, to be vulnerable, or to be desperate. But those are all obstacles that can be overcome. I will never give up on myself like that, ever again. I will continue to move forward and help everyone I can. Help others the way my sister tried to help me. Help others better than she could because I understand what it's like to be that low.
I'm not alone anymore. I have my lovers and my new family to help achieve this goal. The goal of finding everyone who are at their wits' end and need help. People who would benefit from the reshaping of their bodies that the transformation provides. People who would benefit from the intimate connection that the bond provides. Other kind souls who want to help and heal others through love and intimacy.
In my past life, the worst interpretation of succubi was that they were cruel and heartless demons. I want my image of succubi to be the opposite. Kind, loving people who want to help others in any way they can. Everything from fighting to protect people, to sating their lusts, and everything in between. The world is not pretty. I know that in order to survive, we'll have to fight and kill others, even people who might not deserve that fate, or someone who we would help in any other circumstance, but that will be our guiding light. The succubi will be a force of love and hope in this world to outweigh any of the evil that might have gone into us appearing here.
Sorsette once told me that this world is on the brink of extinction while the gods fight with each other over followers. There are monsters outside our gates that none of us can hope to stand up to yet. Even now that she's gone, I want to help her achieve her goal of making sapient life flourish with a book in their hand. My succubus family will make the world stronger and protect knowledge whenever and wherever we can in her name, and add everyone who was as broken as I was to our family so they can flourish again. Flourish like I have.
When I closed my eyes that night, the pain, the sadness, and the grief burned away and reformed as determination. My heart was warm with my four lovers curled up close to me, helping me overcome the trial I had faced. I love all of them so much. I was lying on my back with Bella on one side and Mimi on the other. On my chest, my two twin catgirls each rested their heads against me. My curious and intelligent Morrigan on the left, and my skilled and savvy Torien on the right. I was so lucky to have all of them in my life.
Today's events have been painful, but I would use this terrible experience to make me stronger. Just like my sister tried to teach me to do.
