My forehead tickled.
Someone was touching my forehead with a careful hand. When I let out a sickly groan, the hand drew away for a moment, then stroked my forehead again.
Who was touching me with such tender hands? Was I dreaming? My brother? Could it be my brother?
No. My brother’s hands were always burning hot.
Then Luman? No, Luman was a coward, so he never touched me like this.
Then who?
I frowned and opened my eyes. My blurry vision cleared after I blinked a few times.
Quiet black eyes were looking at me. They [N O V E L I G H T] were so black that, at a glance, they almost seemed to carry a blue gleam. As I stared into those eyes that seemed to calm even my heart, I finally realized the person stroking my forehead was the old apothecary.
“Old man? What are you doing?”
My hoarse voice came out slowly. I called him haltingly and blinked. The old man withdrew the hand that had been stroking me.
“Will you sit up, Ren?”
“Why?”
I asked back, but still raised myself. My sleep-heavy body refused to listen, and as I floundered, the old man stepped forward and wrapped me in his arms so I could lean against the bed.
“What is it?”
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and looked at the old apothecary, but his expression was strange.
“Don’t drag it out. Just tell me, old man. What is it? Is it serious? You can just say it. I’m going to die anyw—”
“Ren, why do you keep saying things like that?”
The old man cut me off.
I had been about to tell him I knew perfectly well I was going to die, so he could speak comfortably, but the old man’s expression hardened sharply. It looked exactly like he was about to scold me.
Even when I pressed my mouth shut and glanced at him, his expression showed no sign of softening.
“You speak of death so easily.”
That felt a little unfair.
I stuck out my lower lip.
It was not that I spoke of it easily. I had simply gone through it so many times that I could speak of it easily now. Hearing that from the old apothecary, who knew that better than anyone, felt a little bitter.
But it was not as though I did not understand how upset he felt, so I just shut my mouth.
“Then what is it?”
Instead of saying self-deprecatingly that I was going to die anyway, I decided to simply satisfy my curiosity.
“The young lady knows you are ill.”
“......So what? She doesn’t know the details. She just thinks I’m a little sick.”
Avoiding the old apothecary’s gaze, I turned my head. I felt ashamed that my illness had been found out. I had told my brother not to speak of it like that, yet I had let someone else find out so easily. It made me feel far too careless.
“She gathered mages.”
“......”
The old man called my name when I did not answer.
I really did not want to talk about this.
So what? What did he want me to do? What about gathering mages?
“So?”
I lifted my head and glared at the old apothecary, putting all my strength into my eyes.
“Did you tell Coco everything? About my illness? Without even asking me?”
My voice carried a faint anger. My eyes, glaring at the old man, reddened around the edges.
“Ren. This is not something that will remain hidden simply because you hide it. The young lady had already guessed many things. I did not tell her everything, so you tell her.”
“Why do something I never asked you to do?”
“There are times when revealing something yourself is better than having it exposed. I heard you saved the young lady. Then is it not only right that you give that child a chance to save you too?”
“......”
“The human heart is fragile. It cannot live while carrying a heavy burden. If one receives something, one ought to repay it.”
The old man’s aged voice rang out calmly.
“I know. I know that though you are prickly on the outside, you are softer and warmer inside than anyone. I cannot understand it myself, but I know that heart of yours that would throw away everything you have to save someone. Could a child like you place such a burden on the young lady?”
The old man was right.
If she found out later, I knew I would end up hating myself.
Even if I did not tell her, stubborn Coco would eventually find out. And just as she had willingly hidden my herbs in the carriage, even if she discovered my illness, she would keep it secret.
But there was no knowing what that secret would do to her heart.
Maybe it would burn black.
Coco and I were alike, after all. I did not want Coco to swallow that kind of secret.
Only after a long while did I nod, and the old man told me I had done well.
***
“Th-there’s no need to cry this much.”
After the old apothecary left, he brought Coco in.
She stood at the door, silently glaring at me for a moment, then suddenly threw herself into my arms.
Comforting Coco felt embarrassing and awkward, so I just stood there stiff as a wooden post. I could not hug her back happily like last time.
Because I wanted to run away so badly.
Honestly, having someone know about my illness, having to properly tell her myself, made me feel as if I were being stripped bare.
“Stop crying already.”
“You! Forget it! You’re seriously so annoying. I knew something was strange from the beginning. Your body was all skin and bones......”
“Hey! Isn’t that a little harsh?”
“What’s harsh about it? You’re worse!”
Coco shouted. Her high voice pierced my ears like a metal skewer—whoosh!—and my body flinched.
I obediently shut my mouth and waited for Coco to calm down a little.
At last, her sniffling stopped.
I absolutely could not say this while looking at her face, so I roughly glared at the carpet and opened my mouth. She summarized what she had heard from the old man, and I added a few words to explain.
“So.”
Coco’s lips trembled. She must have already been shocked enough when she heard it from the old man, but apparently Coco still had room left to be shocked.
“Yeah. It’s incurable.”
Following Coco’s words, I answered and defined the illness I suffered from.
My words seemed to turn into stones and sink into my chest.
But apart from how heavy my heart felt, I felt better than I had expected.
Maybe I had thought I had given up when I was very young. But perhaps I had never truly admitted it to myself.
When I spoke aloud the truth I had kept bound up deep inside, never letting it out as if it were taboo, I felt strangely relieved. Like I had vomited up dead blood.
Yes. Maybe now I really was ready to leave.
This heart, beating uneasily for a moment, would soon calm down too.
“Don’t make that face.”
“What’s wrong, Coco?”
Coco grabbed my shoulders. My clothes crumpled terribly beneath her hands. Instead of shaking Coco’s hands off, I looked at her.
Coco’s red lips trembled. Her mouth moved several times as if swallowing words before she finally forced them out.
“Don’t make a face like you’ve given up.”
“Haha.”
Looking into those purple eyes full of determination, a pointless laugh slipped out of me.
When I laughed softly, Coco looked furious.
“You’re laughing? I’m serious, and you’re laughing?”
I smiled, my eyes curving.
I could not help it.
I was standing before the most terrifying gate called death, and I had never thought someone could worry for me like this.
The old man was precious to me, but at the same time, he was an apothecary who had to look at my illness objectively. And I could never, ever tell my brother.
But here was a friend getting angry for me like this.
‘Please don’t forget me, I beg you. Ren, my you.’
For some reason, it felt as if I could hear Peruan’s voice.
“You’re so annoying. Seriously.”
Coco’s voice gradually grew smaller. She stared at me quietly.
‘I’m not afraid. There will be flowers thrown over my coffin.’
Those flowers would comfort my already-dead body and leave my soul fragrant.
Coco had no choice but to smile along with me as I smiled brightly.
And beyond the half-open door, there were people watching this scene.
Seton, Hugh, and the old apothecary.
Pity lingered in the eyes of those watching him in silence. More than any joy that their guesses had been right, the wish that they had been wrong was incomparably greater.
Their hearts felt heavy.
But it was still too early to lose hope.
“My lady seems to have grown up so much already.”
At Hugh’s words, the old apothecary answered in a level voice.
“Children do tend to grow all at once.”
Ren was reflected in his eyes.
****
The next day arrived.
Before the morning sunlight could even light the room, someone pounded on Ren’s door. Even though it was an unfamiliar bed, perhaps because his heart had been at ease the day before, Ren had slept like the dead.
“Uuuugh......! Please let me sleep more!”
Ren wriggled and buried his head deep beneath the blanket, but he could not endure the persistent knocking and finally sat up.
His hair, sticking out in every direction, fluttered with his movements.
“Who...!! Aaaagh! Wh-what is it?!”
Ren threw the door open with all his annoyance loaded into the motion, then screamed in shock.
