Chapter 19: This Is On Me(2)
After everything was calm, I stayed by my brother’s side until he fell asleep. His breathing became steady. His face looked tired even in sleep. I sat there for a few more minutes, just watching his chest rise and fall.
Each inhale was shallow at first. Then deeper. Slower. I counted them without meaning to.
My fingers were wrapped around the edge of the mattress so tightly my knuckles hurt. I did not realize I was holding my breath too until my lungs started to burn. I let it out quietly, afraid even the sound of it would wake him. He did not move.
His lashes rested against his cheeks. There were faint shadows under his eyes. He looked younger like this. Not like someone who carried the weight of bills, work, and me.
When I finally stepped outside his room, I saw Kaye asleep beside Eriko. Kaye’s head was resting on Eriko’s arm, and Eriko was leaning back in the chair, mouth slightly open. Both of them looked exhausted.
I stood there for a moment. My hand lingered on the door frame. I did not know why I felt like I was leaving something behind.
Then I left the hospital quietly. The hallway lights were too bright. My footsteps echoed, so I slowed down. I needed to do something and quick.
The smell of disinfectant clung to my nose. My stomach twisted.
I pushed the exit door open and the evening air hit my face. Cooler than I expected. I inhaled deeply, but it did not calm me.
It was 7pm. The sky was already getting darker.
I went to find Malo. He was still on the school premises. The gates were half closed when I slipped in. The compound was quieter than usual. No chatter, no laughter or stares. Just distant traffic and the hum of insects beginning their night song.
I caught him playing around in the school building inside the clinic. He was dancing and vibing to some song on his phone. His body moved like he had forgotten he was supposed to be injured.
His shoulders rolled. His hips shifted. He mouthed lyrics around a mouthful of something.
I stood at the door watching and waiting for him to notice me.
My heart was beating too fast. I pressed my palm against my stomach unconsciously. I did not know if I was trying to protect it or silence it.
After some while he turned but did not notice me the first time. Then he turned again and this time he froze. He was holding a box of donuts and some already filled his mouth.
Sugar clung to the corner of his lips.
"Wow, it looks like you are already better and I am sure your jaw must be healed by the way you are chewing that donut," I said out loud.
My voice sounded steady.
He quickly turned off the music on his phone and forced himself to swallow.
His throat moved dramatically as he gulped.
"Hey, Faye, what are you doing here? School is over for today," he said, sitting on the clinic bed, acting like he had not been caught in his mischief.
He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and kicked the donut box slightly behind him like that would erase the evidence.
"Do you live here?" I asked because he was the only one in the school.
The words came out sharper than I meant them to.
"No, the nurse allowed me to stay until I get better. As long as the clinic is clean, I am allowed to sleep here. Now what are you doing here?" he said.
He tilted his head, studying me.
I could feel his eyes moving over my face, searching.
"I needed someone to ask something from. I am new in this city and I don’t know if I should meet a doctor or just do it the old fashioned way. You sell drugs, right?" I said.
The last two words almost got stuck in my throat. He blinked.
"I don’t sell drugs. I distribute drugs, but not for long because after tonight I will be advanced. Haha." He laughed, standing up. "Donuts?"
He held the box toward me like this was a normal conversation. Like I had come here to hang out.
"Do you have monkshood pills or maybe the flowers?" I took a deep breath after saying it.
My chest tightened immediately after.
Malo blinked from where he was standing.
The smile dropped slowly from his face.
"What do you want to use wolfsbane for?" he asked. Then he looked at me like he was putting things together. "You are fucking pregnant," he muttered.
The word hung between us. It felt heavier when someone else said it. I can’t believe he put the pieces this fast.
"See, with no questions asked, please I need you to give it if you have it. I can’t bring this pup into this world. I don’t want to bring more burden to my brother. He has been through a lot and I don’t want to add to it. So Malo, if you have the flower, give it to me. Please," I pleaded.
My voice cracked at the end. I hated that it did.
I straightened my back immediately after, as if posture could fix weakness.
"I don’t have wolfsbane. It’s rare and dangerous, so no wolf is going to have that unless they plan to kill someone. If you want an abortion, why don’t you go to a hospital to get one?"
"My brother was admitted to the hospital and I don’t want to create an awareness that some sixteen-year-old is taking an abortion. And I don’t want to get expelled, or keep records."
The confession felt ugly in my mouth.
It sounded worse when spoken out loud. He kept staring at me for a second. His jaw tightened. The playful look in his eyes was gone.
"What happened to your Paye? Is he okay?"
"He is fine. It’s just stress from work. Well, since you don’t have it, I will find another means," I said, about to turn.
If I stayed any longer, I might start shaking.
"I said I don’t have wolfsbane, but I do know someone who might be selling that," he said.
My feet stopped before I told them to.
"Okay, let’s go," I said immediately.
My hands were already curling into fists at my sides.
"Wait, you want to do that like today, today? What about tomorrow which is Saturday? It’s getting late and I have to be somewhere."
Of course, Lunny club.
"You want to go to the club and distribute drugs, don’t you?"
My tone came out flat.
"Yes, I want to. I get paid to distribute Leo’s drugs and I won’t miss it for the world. It’s money and I always go where money goes. So tomorrow I will come over to your place and we will go to the shop," he said as he continued to eat his donut.
But I don’t want to wait until tomorrow. Even for a second. Every second feels heavy. I could feel time pressing against my ribs.
"Okay, since you are not going to take me thete, write down the address. I will go there myself and get it," I said.
My voice did not shake this time.
Malo just shook his head and tore the donut box. The cardboard ripped loudly in the quiet room. He grabbed his school bag and brought out his pen. He bent over the small desk and wrote down the address.
The scratching sound of pen on paper felt louder than it should as I watched his hand move.
"Here, that is the location. Give the guy the piece of paper. He will understand and give you the wolfsbane."
He held it out to me. For a second, he did not let go.
I collected the paper from him. My fingers brushed his. His skin was warm. Mine were cold.
I took one donut from the box and took a bite. It tasted sweet. The sugar stuck to my tongue.
"Okay then, thanks for the donuts," I said.
I forced myself to chew. Forced myself to swallow. I was already at the door when he spoke.
"Faye, I hope I see you tomorrow."
I paused for a second. The air shifted.
Okay, that was weird. Why does he sound like that? Like I was seeing him for the last time. Something in his voice was softer. Not teasing. Not careless. I did not turn fully to look at him. I nodded my head and left.
