Chapter 447: Just one touch
Leilani.
If there is something I was never good at, then it is a conversation, especially ones like this.
It was true that I intended to retreat to my room, never to step out again until all of this charade was over. It was also true that I wanted to shut them all out now that it felt like I had been backed into a corner.
However, what wasn’t true was the simplicity in which he’d used when describing the— our kiss.
It was in the way he had called it ’just a kiss.’
Or in his words; "because we’d shared a ’kiss.’"
But it wasn’t that simple. It never was.
To me, it never was just a kiss but was something that seemed to have solidified whatever this thing between us was. It was the kiss that made me finally believe that regardless of the situation, regardless of the things I say to myself, especially the lies... that I will always be drawn to these men. Not just sexually but emotionally too... physically. In fact, whatever ’-ally’ you can think of.
I balled my hands into tight fists as I raised my head to meet his gaze, and with a voice colder than I had intended to sound, I hissed; "I think that’s the dumbest shit I’ve heard in a while."
He froze. More like flared his nose at me then paused his lips, his eyes thinning for a millisecond as he muttered;
"Yeah, sure I am."
I didn’t expect him to say that so to say that I was stunned when I heard those words was an understatement. I frowned.
"If you’re gonna try to hide behind insults and cold words, then I’ll have you know that that is the worst method to use to get rid of me right now. I’ve dealt with a cold you before. I’ve dealt with you when you cannot even stand my presence, so trust me, this isn’t working— whatever this is."
Something about those words made my blood run cold. But it wasn’t out of fear or panic... or maybe there was a hint of fear coursing through my veins at the moment.
But I wasn’t scared of what he might do to me. I wasn’t scared of his reaction or of the words he had just said to me. I was scared of the implications.
Scared that he looked like he had meant his words which meant that I couldn’t send him off no matter how hard I tried.
Something akin to a bile rose in my throat at this thought and I found myself gulping thickly, my voice slightly hoarse as I whispered;
"Zevran, please—"
But he didn’t let me finish. He immediately cut in: "Can’t we just communicate like normal adults?"
I frowned once again.
"Instead of quarreling all the time and pushing each other away when it gets rough, can’t you just talk to me? To us? Can’t you just tell us how you feel? If you were uncomfortable with us having our hands all over you or kissing you, why not say it instead of acting like we have committed a grave crime?"
My eyes brimmed with tears as I heard him speak, and for some reason, my chest had grown so tight, I could barely breathe.
"If you do not enjoy having us being so close, say it and I promise, we will adjust accordingly. I personally will do whatever it takes to keep my friendship with you alive, even if it means that we cannot work out as a couple."
The sincerity in his eyes made my heart stop for a moment. It made heat creep up my face and made me feel some kind of inexplicable guilt that was so strong, I could barely hold his gaze any longer.
And just when I had thought I wouldn’t be able to form words, that everything I thought and felt would go down the drain due to my panic, my lips parted on their own accord and I blurted;
"No."
"No?" He muttered, tilting his head to the side, a look of confusion on his face. "What do you mean by the word no?"
I didn’t want to speak about it. Goddess, I wasn’t sure I could even speak at the moment. But the way he was looking at me... staring at me as if waiting for some miraculous explanation was impossible to ignore so I lowered my gaze and began to stutter; "I... I am not mad at you for touching me. I am not mad at you for kissing me."
"Then what is the matter?" He sounded so tender— too tender it made my heart ache.
"I am mad at myself for letting it happen and more annoyed that I enjoyed it."
At the mention of that, I saw a weird light glint in his dark dark eyes. His lips curved into a small smile— one which he quickly got rid of by clearing his throat.
"Leilani..."
"I feel bad that I let it happen. That I can move on. That I can allow myself to be kissed and caressed when it is only over a few days since I lost my best friend." I snapped, interrupting him; and as soon as I said that, his face darkened.
Something akin to a shadow crossed his features, taking out all the lights that had been in his eyes only a second ago.
He nodded and took a step back as if to create as much distance between us as he could. But that action... that tiny action made me feel... well, strange. My heart squeezed in my chest and my breath felt like they were coming out through a very narrow pipe.
I looked down to hide my disappointment and muttered; "So you understand me now, don’t you?"
But how do I tell him that I suddenly do not want him to leave?
How do I explain to him that I, for some strange reason, feel safe in his presence than in his absence?
"I understand you," he muttered, his voice low.
I dragged in a deep breath, one that was so deep, it shook my ribs, and sighed; "I am glad you do. So will you please let me go now?"
He didn’t flinch. He didn’t even look like he had heard me speak as he crossed his arm over his chest and mumbled; "To your room, yes. But if you mean it differently, then no."
"What do you mean?" I asked but he wouldn’t respond. And when the meaning behind his words slowly dawned on me, I glanced up quickly, a weird feeling settling in my chest as I asked;
"Why?"
He cocked his eyebrows at me. "Why what?"
"Why won’t you let me go?"
"Because I do not wish to lose you." He said without an ounce of hesitation. Goddess, he didn’t even look away from my face for even the tiniest second.
I gulped to suppress that strange feeling in my chest but before I could form words, he continued;
"I will not lose you again, Leilani. Especially not to my pride or yours. So if you say you want a moment to yourself, I’ll give that to you. If you say you do not wish to be touched by me and my brothers ever again, I’ll grant that to you. But what I will not do is walk out of your life one more time, and I will start by coming to your room later today to check on you and trust me, I’ll come back over and over until you open the damn door. Is that clear?"
I didn’t respond right away.
"Is that clear?" He tried again and this time, I slowly nodded.
"Yes."
"Then your room is the fourth one on your left when you walk through that hallway." He drawled, pointing to the second hallway by the right.
I didn’t say thank you. I couldn’t. So I simply glanced at him, curtsied and then turned away without sparing another glance backward.
—And that was because my heart was racing for more than half the time.
—
I walked so quickly, you’d think my life depended on it (which it did by the way) and by the time I finally arrived at my room and successfully clicked the door shut behind me, I held my chest and slowly crashed to the floor, breathing so rapidly, I almost feared I would hyperventilate.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Zevran or his words, nor could I stop thinking about the look he had on his face when he uttered them.
Then there were his brothers...
The whole situation made me feel so antsy, but instead of looking for ways to flee from here, or to disappear, which should be my normal thought process, I couldn’t help but realize that I had slowly begun to do a countdown to the time he would decide to come and check on me.
And goddess, I couldn’t wait. Which was bizarre.
Comments