Clink.
Go Yohan finally shut his mouth.
But whether he was talking or staying silent, he always managed to dig into my head and fuck with my thoughts. There wasn’t another bastard quite like him. I let out a sigh and grabbed my head.
And again, memories from that time surfaced.
I pressed them down with conscious effort and spoke.
"You already threw me away, so why the hell would I grovel? Is that what you want?"
"That’s..."
Of course. There was no way someone as talkative as Go Yohan would stay quiet. But I couldn’t shut my ears to this. That time? My curiosity, my entire focus, zeroed in on him. My senses searched for Go Yohan alone.
"You were the one who acted recklessly first."
"...What?"
"I wondered sometimes if you were just toying with me. Or maybe I was just a throwaway extra in this movie called ‘Good Boy Kang Jun.’"
"You son of a—!"
"Looks like you’ve got the wrong idea."
Go Yohan pointed at himself and smiled gently. It was a smile I hadn’t seen in a long time.
"I was the one on top."
I was so dumbfounded I lost my words. That was not an answer I had even considered.
Go Yohan ran the hand that had touched my forehead down his own nape, exposing the pale line of his throat.
And like an idiot, my gaze followed it without thinking.
It was instinct.
God, I wish he’d just drop dead.
Luckily, he was too lost in his own thoughts to notice where I was looking. He spoke in a low voice.
"And I really hate being cast as a side character."
A rush of heat shot up my face.
I grabbed the nearest object and squeezed it tight.
"So that justifies what you did?"
"Well..."
Go Yohan tilted his head slightly. His gaze flicked upward, like he was gauging my reaction, but in the end, he chose not to give a shit.
I was too stunned to even reply.
A breathless scoff escaped me.
Go Yohan’s face was a mess of guilt and shamelessness at the same time.
He probably felt sorry.
But he was so fucking shameless about it I wanted to lose my mind.
"Honestly, I let you off easy."
"......."
"Do you know what I do to people I really hate?"
Think about it. You should know.
A thin smirk stretched across his face.
"No, I really don’t."
I answered honestly.
Because I really didn’t know what Go Yohan had done to the people he hated.
He was rough with his words, sure, but I’d never seen him openly torment someone out of sheer malice.
Hell, I didn’t even know if he really hated anyone.
Back in our first year, I barely even paid attention to him.
But when I said that, Go Yohan’s expression shifted—just for a second.
"Liar."
A sneer twisted his face.
A fleeting moment.
"There’s no way you wouldn’t know, Jun."
"...Why?"
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Jun.
He’d dropped my full name again.
The way he switched back and forth was infuriating.
I genuinely didn’t understand.
What the hell was going on in his head?
Why was he so sure I knew something I didn’t?
Go Yohan looked a little taken aback by my reaction.
And naturally, I latched onto that change.
The hesitation in his eyes only made me more obsessed with getting an answer.
"Why? Why do you think I should know?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
"I do. Because I don’t know. So tell me. Why?"
"Because you only ever cared about the top dogs. That’s the kind of person you are."
"Me?"
I pointed at myself.
"You think I’m like that?"
"Yeah. That’s just who you are."
At first, I didn’t get it.
I frowned, pressing a finger against the center of my chest.
Thinking about it seriously... maybe he had a point.
It was easier to stick close to those at the top of the hierarchy.
My life was smoother that way.
But if that were the case, I should’ve sucked up to people like Kim Minho too.
And I didn’t.
I asked again—genuinely, without malice.
"...Why do you think that?"
"Why do you think?"
Go Yohan’s gaze darkened.
"Don’t act like you don’t know."
"I’m not acting."
My expression hardened.
Go Yohan seemed to sense something was off because he arched a single brow.
"You liked Han Junwoo because he was the top dog. That’s why."
"What?"
For a second, it felt like I’d been hit over the head with a hammer.
That was so absurd I couldn’t even react.
I liked Han Junwoo because he was at the top?
What kind of insane logic was that?
Han Junwoo had always embodied everything I hated.
It was just that, somewhere along the way, I got caught up in his looks and that goddamn presence of his.
Like a fever dream in the middle of the day.
"That’s not it."
"...Don’t lie. It’s pathetic, and I won’t fall for it."
"Lie? Why the hell would I lie about that?"
I kept answering him.
Then, something clicked.
Something about this situation.
Something off.
Doubt, buried for so long, finally surfaced.
And instinctively, I knew the answer.
A single theory flashed through my mind.
And once I had it, it wasn’t hard to reach the truth.
"Ah..."
A wave of euphoria crashed over me.
No way...
Or maybe, yes, way.
Go Yohan had a history.
He’d liked me before.
A field of radiant flowers bloomed in my chest.
"You... don’t tell me..."
I hadn’t even heard his answer yet, but I couldn’t help it—laughter spilled out between my lips.
I lowered my head, shoulders shaking.
The joy made me lightheaded, and I coughed in response.
"...Kehluk, kehluk!"
Still coughing into my hand, I turned my gaze to Go Yohan.
Between the laughter and the coughing, my body tipped slightly.
Go Yohan narrowed one eye at me.
"...What’s so funny?"
I clutched my stomach and bent over, pressing my head into the blanket as my entire body shook.
"Why are you laughing like that?"
"Ah, no. Sorry. It's not that I meant to..."
Oh, damn. I wasn’t a discarded card.
I was still a usable hand.
Could there be anything more thrilling than realizing that? I wiped away the tear that had escaped with the back of my hand. Lifting my head, I looked at Go Yohan in front of me. His face, waiting for me, looked truly bizarre. I suppressed my laughter. The adrenaline rushing through my head was exhilarating.
Pressing my lips together, I decided to be honest with Go Yohan first.
"I did... admire him. I liked Han Junwoo, but it was never because of his rank. We were just in the same class in our first year, and honestly, he was cool. Back then, Han Junwoo was."
"Don't lie."
"I'm serious. I followed him around even before I knew who he was."
I hesitated for a moment before continuing.
"...Don’t take this too seriously, though."
The hospital room became unbearably quiet. It was so silent that I could hear Go Yohan scratching his pants. Avoiding his gaze, I stared at the plain wallpaper and added,
"If I had really admired him only because of his rank, then I would have been completely subservient to Kim Minho too. Don’t you think?"
Even then, I never once said I liked him. That was my final line. Carefully, my gaze shifted from the wallpaper back to Go Yohan.
"......"
Amusingly enough, Go Yohan looked genuinely shocked. His expression unsettled me. What the hell? Why does he look like that? Like some fool who just lost something. Why is he acting like this? The idea that he was shaken just because I didn’t choose the people I admired based on rank was absurd.
What the hell does he take me for? Did I really seem like that much of a piece of trash?
For the sake of my dignity, I defended myself sincerely. I wanted to make it clear that my deference to him wasn’t because of his rank. And yet, for some reason, I still wanted to look good in front of him.
"So in our first year, I didn’t even know you existed. I just knew there was some famous guy in the West Wing."
To be honest, from the start, I disliked him. Because of my disgustingly childish jealousy. But saying that out loud would only make me look pathetic, and worse, he might find me revolting. So I kept my mouth shut. That was as much as I was willing to say.
Go Yohan didn’t respond. He just kept scratching his thigh in that same manner. Strangely enough, watching him do that made me anxious. I pushed harder to make my case. I wanted to make it crystal clear that I had no lingering feelings for Han Junwoo. For my own sake. For my own selfishness.
"Yohan, you seem to be misunderstanding something. If you think I started hating Han Junwoo just because his rank dropped, then you’re completely wrong."
That was the truth. I swallowed once and continued.
"I just dislike people who dislike me."
Ever since Han Junwoo crushed me in front of Han Taesan, had I ever felt even a flutter of admiration for him? No matter how much I thought about it, the answer was no. I was always like this.
"As proof, I don’t care about Han Junwoo at all now. I don’t even know what he’s doing these days."
"......"
"You’d know, wouldn’t you? You were in the same class in our second year."
I finished speaking, feeling oddly satisfied. Sitting there, watching Go Yohan in silence, I noticed that he didn’t respond. He slowly pulled his lips into his mouth, as if lost in thought. A long, slow moment passed. His eyes wandered in the air, looking somewhat confused.
"...Ah."
Go Yohan opened his mouth, then closed it. He moved as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t put it into words. His long fingers scratched at his pants again, leaving faint lines along the fabric. I saw how his fingers pressed against the material until they turned white.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
"I never knew you felt that way."
His voice carried a teasing lilt, but it was quieter than usual. That voice cooled my head instantly.
"...Well, you know now."
And then, I regretted defending myself. Why the hell did I say all that so nicely?
What was I trying to accomplish here? Was I trying to get along with Go Yohan? Had I lost my mind? The momentary hope I’d felt, the madness in my thought process, sent a chill down my spine. Kang Jun, you crazy bastard. What the hell are you saying? Have you completely lost it over a guy?
You know exactly what happens when you like guys. You’ve already lived through it.
Crazy, stupid bastard.
I hurriedly opened my mouth, desperate to cover up my mistake.
"Yeah, now that I think about it, I guess I had a lot of misunderstandings about you too. We only really started getting to know each other in our second year."
Throwing out those words like a desperate excuse, I wracked my brain. What do I do? How do I keep myself from being completely discarded while making it through this nightmare of a school life unscathed? How do I avoid making Go Yohan my enemy without letting him get any closer? At this point, fear was pressing down on me more than anything else. My future still depended on his every move.
Go Yohan slowly closed his eyes, then opened them again. His expression was still distant, still processing something. What the hell was he thinking so deeply about? His heel lifted slightly off the ground, then dropped back down.
Finally, he spoke. And what he said was... a little strange.
"...You really didn’t know me?"
Was he that shocked at the idea of not being famous? Like he had some disease that made him miserable when he wasn’t the center of attention.
"I wouldn’t say I didn’t know you. Of course, I’d heard of ‘Go Yohan from the West Wing.’ You were famous."
The words came out with an air of charity. That was the mask of Kang Jun talking.
"But that was it. We never even talked. We were in different buildings, so I just forgot about you. That’s why, when you first asked me to eat lunch with you, I assumed you were talking to Han Junwoo. That’s why I was so surprised at first."
"Then what about now?"
Go Yohan’s voice cut through my words. It felt like he hadn’t been listening at all—like he had no real interest in what I was saying. Whir. I could almost hear the gears turning in his head. He let out a sneering laugh and tapped his fingers against his chest.
"...Do you think I hate you?"
"I don’t really know."
After some deliberation, I chose neutrality.
"It’s been a while since we fought."
Not a lie. We hadn’t eaten together, hadn’t hung out, didn’t even share the same group of friends anymore.
Saying I don’t know meant I could take it back at any time—until I did know for sure. I was giving myself a second chance. If I said yes, I’d be crossing a river I couldn’t return from. If I said no, I’d immediately gain Go Yohan’s favor, but I’d also have to spend my life watching his every move, fearing his reactions.
I forced a clumsy smile and held up three fingers.
"Uh, so... when was it that we fought? It’s been a while, right?"
"Hey."
"Yeah, I mean, we were both upset back then, but we already agreed to forget about it and forgive each other, so there’s no point in—"
"Hey, Kang Jun."
"Huh?"
The fingers that had been tapping against his chest dropped back down onto his lap. His unusually long fingers curled into a fist, forming a large, knotted shape. Beneath his pale skin, blue veins bulged. I tensed up, bracing myself for whatever came next. The pendulum swung. Down toward me.
"...I did."
"What?"
"I told you—I asked to make up back then."
Go Yohan spoke through clenched teeth, his jaw tight with strain. His long eyelashes fluttered downward before lifting again, revealing the stark white sclera of his eyes. He glared at me with an intensity that sent a shiver down my spine. The pendulum pressed down, heavy on my gut. I felt the heat pooling in my lower abdomen, but my mind was drowning in fear. No. I can’t do this with Go Yohan. He’ll torment me again, whenever he pleases. My rationality flashed a warning light. I swallowed down the chill creeping up my nape and forced my voice to steady.
"If we just don’t fight at all, and keep things like... I don’t know, classmates who only say good morning to each other, wouldn’t that be...?"
Go Yohan stared at me, his fist still clenched. Still glaring. I couldn’t bear to hold his gaze any longer, so I dropped my eyes to the stark white sheets. Silence stretched between us. It felt like minutes had passed—maybe even longer—before, all of a sudden, Go Yohan sprang to his feet.
"I’m leaving."
That was all he said.
Before I even realized it, I had raised my hand as if to stop him, only to quickly lower it again.
"...Yeah."
I didn’t stop him. As he stood up, Go Yohan hesitated for a brief moment, staring at the door. Then, as if fleeing, he strode out of the hospital room without ever looking back.
After that, Go Yohan never came to visit me again.