Days as a Spiritual Mentor in American Comics

Chapter 5912: Chapter 4933: There’s No Batman Here (20)

Shiller’s plan was executed successfully. Because the subway station was outside Gotham University, it wasn’t considered a boss area, and the locks weren’t as difficult as those inside. Ethan, even without lock-picking tools, managed to open it with some tinkering.

When Shiller circled back, Ethan was already waiting in the passageway. Shiller tossed the gun to him and said, "Suddenly I remember why my gun skills are bad."

Ethan raised his eyebrows, and Shiller shook his head, saying, "I’m not American, I started late, have been to the shooting range a few times, but shooting is really a laborious task."

Ethan laughed and said, "Can you imagine? One day I was treating patients, and the next I was in Afghanistan; at that time, I didn’t even know you had to first disengage the safety before shooting."

Shiller glanced at him and asked, "You practiced on the battlefield?"

"Of course," Ethan nodded, "I’m not a military doctor by background, I was simply thrust into it. Luckily, I got through."

"Really?" Shiller asked without turning his head.

"What?"

"Did you really make it through?"

His voice echoed within the underground passage, with sound waves layer upon layer spreading out like the aftermath of a bombing, making Ethan’s silence somewhat abrupt.

"You actually could have left, right?" Shiller’s tone remained casual, "At the final moment, you didn’t need to sacrifice yourself for Tony Stark. He wasn’t a hero at that time, nor did he exhibit any traits of becoming one. He wasn’t worth you risking your life. You just found an excuse to want to stay there forever."

Ethan sighed deeply, "Not entirely correct. I don’t deny that at that time Tony was just a playboy, arrogant, not listening to persuasion, being kidnapped was purely deserved."

"However, during the days at the base, his growth was unimaginably fast. It seemed like under the pressure of death, he was forced to use all his skills to survive, but in reality, the belief supporting him to survive and leave was to end all these wrongdoings."

"He realized that our appearance here was a mistake, and Stark Group’s weapons and equipment appearing here was also a mistake. I think so too. At that time, choosing death out of guilt was cowardly; only by leaving here alive could something be changed."

"I’m glad I helped him get away because he is the one who can truly change something, not me. I suppose I’ll hear news of him closing down the weapons department once I return."

"Indeed. But now, we’re talking about you," Shiller said, "No amount of righteous attitude can erase your tendency toward self-destruction. Did all this start after coming to Afghanistan?"

"Being suddenly sent to the battlefield meant I had no adaptation process. This meant I exerted all my effort just for self-preservation. Among the souls under my gun must be innocents, maybe all were innocents. How can I persuade myself that all this was someone else’s fault?"

"Your post-traumatic stress disorder is more severe than others." Shiller sighed.

"If I were a well-trained veteran, perhaps I could accurately assess situations, determine whether the person in front of me poses a threat. But I’m not. At that time, I only had one thought: to stay alive. I saw threat in everything, anyone I thought capable of intimidating me would be eliminated. I indeed survived, but..."

Ethan chuckled, "That intense survival instinct gradually turns into numbness, and then you start questioning why you’re living. In fact, I can’t find a reason. There’s no reason urging me to continue living. I’m not Tony Stark; I can’t change the world with several orders. I’m not that important."

"And what about your relationship with Stark?"

"If I died, I would certainly become an indelible shadow and regret in his life. But after all, I didn’t die. Perhaps he will appreciate me and look after me, yet we won’t become friends."

"Why do you think so?" Shiller asked.

He recalled that in the greedy universe, Stark and Ethan didn’t have a particularly close relationship either. Stark remembered the favor and tried to meet his demands, but privately, they didn’t interact much, and their closeness wasn’t comparable to Stark and The Avengers.

"Stark is an idealist, hence he also needs comrades and partners who share the same ideals." Ethan said, "But I no longer want to kill, not anything or anyone. I’ve grown tired of all the fighting. I’m destined not to go far together with him."

Shiller nodded, "You’re a bit envious of him."

"Indeed," Ethan sighed softly, "You know? A pampered playboy, just arrived from New York, accepted reality about half an hour after being kidnapped. Apart from letting out a single scream when he first awoke, he didn’t even falter when negotiating with them."

"As for me, during my first two months here, I suffered from diarrhea and fever due to acclimatization issues, and was transferred by the troops, forced to fire my first shot, followed by a month of nightmares. I witnessed soldiers slaughtering civilians, but I didn’t dare say a word. Just the sight of desert camouflage made me dizzy and nauseous."

"Some people are born heroes," Ethan said, "Unfortunately, I’m not one of them."

"Actually, I should tell you, if you aided Stark, it would be considered heroic. But in reality, the harsh truth is, even without your help, he probably would have escaped. That’s why I say it’s a tendency for self-destruction, not self-sacrifice. You must realize this too, don’t you?"

Ethan recalled the situation at the time, then said, "Indeed, he might just have suffered a bit more, but he wouldn’t have died."

"Do you think he knows this?"

Ethan paused slightly, then said, "He’s very smart. Even if he didn’t realize it at the time, he would understand later."

"But he won’t feel your sacrifice was meaningless." Shiller’s voice continued to echo in the underground passage, "He might be shocked, but he would soon understand why you wanted to stay there forever. Most importantly, he knows who the real culprit is, and that would make him even more determined to change."

"Why say this?" Ethan asked.

"Because there’s a significant difference; if he only feels grateful because you sacrificed your life to save him, that gratitude isn’t enough to firm his resolve. However, if your death makes him understand your suffering, makes him comprehend what shaped your tragedy, the resulting anger, grief, and reflection would truly make him resolve to become a hero."

"He didn’t change to prevent his kidnapping from happening again, but to prevent your tragedy from occurring again, to stop people from wantonly grabbing a doctor, throwing him on the battlefield to experience all this, and finally leave him there forever, transforming from a playboy to Iron Man."

"There’s never been a naturally born hero. Your experiences prompted his change, and ordinary people shape heroes. If they fail to glean anything from witnessing your suffering, no matter how calm and intelligent he is, he won’t become a hero."

Shiller paused, looked at Ethan and said, "If you fail to glean anything from the souls who perished under the gunfire, you won’t be a hero either. The reverse is also true."

Ethan stood dazedly in place, his thoughts seemed to drift far away, as the images he had buried deep in his memory, too afraid to revisit, surged up: a woman crying with her baby, emaciated bodies in robes, a pool of blood beside the car tire...

Shiller’s voice echoed in his ear again, "Often, people’s tendency for self-destruction isn’t due to lack of love, but due to lack of hatred. Death can etch the greatness of love, but only the living can avenge hatred."

Ethan slowly clenched his fist. He thought back to that night in the cave when he asked Stark why he was so desperate to leave. He initially thought Stark would say he had family and friends or a great life still to live.

Many people would answer like that. The reason for living is that beyond the boundary of life and death, there are many people they love waiting for them.

But for someone already looking toward death, love can sometimes be a burden. Precisely because he loves them, he doesn’t want to disappoint them. But continuing to live, even just existing, will inevitably disappoint them. So, people have the notion of "better a short pain than a long one" for their loved ones, and thus continue to charge forward on the path of self-destruction.

But hatred is different. Hatred requires no responsibility. People often say "carry the burden of hatred," but precisely because it bears no expectations, it carries no worries, it turns all negative emotions into a sword, thinking only about how to inflict the most pain. Humans are always adept at this.

"Someone has to pay the price for this." That’s what Stark said.

This statement sounds so lofty, like a kidnapped tycoon full of resentment, accusing his enemies, blaming unreliable allies, pushing all responsibility onto others, harboring a grudge, eager to get out and teach them a lesson. Hence, Ethan couldn’t understand it at the time.

But now it seems, Stark’s "someone" doesn’t refer to people, but rather "for this" refers to people.

Ethan took a deep breath. Is it that he doesn’t hate enough? Or is he afraid? Are those so-called "it won’t change anything after going back" really the truth, or just excuses for self-comfort?

"Thank you, I’ve never thought about these things before," Ethan said.

"No need," Shiller said, "Everyone has the right to escape, if you can convince yourself. If you died, no one would mention past events again. But since you’re still alive, those excuses for convincing yourself to rush to death will eventually lose their effectiveness."

Ethan clenched his gun tightly, showing a bitter smile, "I know. They’re closing in on me now, even in my dreams. I thought letting them punish me like this was the only choice, but now it seems, perhaps I can try running a bit faster in reality."