Chapter 184: [Bonus Chapter] Every Right To Be Worried
- RAYA -
"What do you think?" I ask Rory softly after Dex and Luciano leave.
"What do I think? Of this place?" She asks incredulously like it’s a ridiculous question. "What matters is what you think. This is your vacation."
"It’s our vacation," I frown. "I want you to enjoy it, too."
"I will enjoy it. Stop worrying so much about me. Then I have to worry about you worrying about me, and it would be nice if I could just... not," she says with a sigh, cutting me a look. "Please. Just enjoy yourself. I promise I will be fine. If I have to answer questions about how much I’m enjoying myself all the time..."
"All right, I get it. I won’t ask you any questions, Rory."
Maybe I shouldn’t sound so defensive. In fact, I should probably be happy that there’s a little bite back to her words, but her attitude just makes me sad. She sounds exhausted and irritated, and how she could be in a place like this is beyond me. Maybe she just needs to rest.
"You know, you were acting crazy worried about me when you were in London," I remind her. "Those texts and phone calls, and the ridiculous suggestion that someone could mimic my voice..."
"You were hit by a car and staying in a stranger’s house!"
"He’s not a stranger," I chuckle.
"Not anymore. But at that time, he might as well have been. And that’s without you even telling me about your peeping tom neighbor and the shit that Dex’s brother was doing..." Her words cut off, and she shakes her head like she’s ridding herself of the rising emotions and memories. They were about to carry her away somewhere. "I obviously had every right to be worried."
"And I don’t?" I ask.
"No!"
"No?"
She glares at me and pushes off the railing, retreating into the interior of the cabina where I can turn and watch her moving around the sitting area. It strikes me at that moment how little privacy there is in these houses.
When I follow her in, she’s rearranging the pillows on the sofa and shaking her head. Finally, when she’s gotten them into a satisfactory pile, she sits down.
"I couldn’t see you while I was in London. I couldn’t see that you were okay. But I’m right here," she mutters, though she isn’t looking at me. "Clearly I’m fine."
"On the outside," I say gently and watch when the comment hits invisible armor.
Rory’s shoulders go back up, her arms cross over herself, her expression hardens. But something else happens. Her face becomes red like she’s holding back tears, and finally I see a few slide down her cheeks.
I sink into the sofa next to her and pull her onto my shoulder.
"I thought I was over it," she says, voice choked with emotion while she lets me hold her. "I thought I had moved on. It was so long ago."
When I don’t know what to say, I just hold her against me and we both stare out the window onto the deck and the jungle beyond it.
"I don’t want to be this way, you know?" She says, wiping her nose with her sleeve. "Miserable and... and scared." The last word is said so quietly it’s like a confession.
"I know."
My own throat feels raw from the emotion that rises but has nowhere to go. This isn’t my story or my experience. This isn’t my turn to speak. I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer her, because I’ve never been through what she’s been through. But I hurt so badly for her, and I wish I could take it away.
"Sometimes I just want to disappear," she whispers. "Like maybe that would better. No one would have to worry anymore, including me."
My hand stops caressing her arm, and inwardly I panic. I panic at these words, because... what does that mean? Is she thinking about hurting herself?
"It’s okay to feel that way. I understand," I say softly, my heart squeezing with the lie.
I don’t want her to feel that way! How do I help? How do I make it better? I want to shake her and make her promise that she won’t do anything stupid. Tell her that she is beautiful and smart and important and how the hell can she not see all of that?
Something tells me that’s not what she needs to hear, though. Rory is confessing something that sounds painful, so... maybe that’s a good sign. She’s opening up. She’s not keeping it in. She wants to feel better. She wants me to know. The last thing I want is for her to regret telling me this and retreating further inward.
"What if we both stay in the big cabina? Or I can stay in yours with you?"
She laughs through the tears that are still coming and uses her sleeve to wipe her face again.
"No. That’s okay."
"I’m serious. It would be fun."
"Dex would hate me," she says with a teary, congested chuckle.
"If you truly think that, then you don’t know Dex very well. He wouldn’t mind at all. Besides, he already got some on the plane. He’s good for awhile."
That makes her laugh more, and she pulls herself off of my shoulder.
"And here I thought you were shy," she says.
"I mean..." I shrug, gesturing toward the rainforest like it holds answers. "We’re in Costa Rica. I just had sex on a plane with my sister listening. I don’t even recognize my life anymore. Maybe the shyness has evaporated by this point."
"I was not listening!" She objects. "Luci and I put on a movie with headphones."
"Oh," I nod, and it’s my turn to laugh. "That was nice of you."
"There’s something else that happened that I actually wanted to tell you about," she says, biting her lip. "It’s pretty strange."
"What?"
"If anyone knows what to make of it, it’s you."
"Oh my god, what?" I scoot forward on the sofa so I can turn to face her more fully.
Dex and Luciano walk onto the deck, and she presses her lips together, her gaze settling on the one whose dark eyes have already found her.
"Will you tell me after dinner?" I ask quietly before the men will hear us.
"Maybe it’s a good topic to discuss at dinner," she says. "I think it would be helpful to get Dex’s input, too."
"Okay." Now I’m really interested.
"Hey," Dex says, walking in, and Luciano arrives behind him with his luggage.
"Hey. I’m going to stay with Rory tonight."
"Is everything okay?" He asks with a small frown.
"Yeah. We just thought it would be fun. Is that okay with you?"
He nods slowly. "Sure. Of course. We put Rory’s things in the center cabina, but if you’d like to stay in the larger one..."
"No, they should stay in the central one," Luciano interrupts for everyone to turn and look at him. He glances around at all of us. "It’s the safest."
