How was I supposed to tell her...
In despair, I decided I should at least confess to Ami.
So I got Samuel’s permission for an extended visitation.
The doctor was clearly in a foul mood.
“Yeah, whatever you want.”
He responded flatly the moment I made my request, scribbling his signature across the pad.
“You’d do whatever you want anyway.”
“Oh, no, sir.”
He’s sulking.
I did have plenty to feel guilty for. Every time I went on a mission, I ended up in this hospital, and this time, I got third-degree burns without even leaving the base. He had every right to be exasperated.
I tried to lighten the mood of the doctor glaring at his pad.
“At least this time I’m staying put and getting proper treatment. Please don’t be mad.”
“Shut up.”
“Oh, come on, sir. I’ll do better next time.”
“Why are you being so creepy?”
“Do you like apple wine, by any chance?”
Oh. A reaction.
Instead of scolding, he paused for a second.
I seized that fleeting positive response and jumped right in.
“I’ll brew some apple wine for you later.”
“What apple wine all of a sudden?”
“There’s an apple tree growing near the cabin.”
According to Yun, it was descended from the tree in his neighbor’s yard. Both the one beside his house and the one near the cabin bore fruit every year.
I’d already been thinking about reviving some old memories by making fruit wine again.
Samuel Han listened to my explanation and went, “Ahh.”
“You mean the one growing in my yard?”
“...Excuse me?”
Your yard?
“The house next to Yun’s is mine. You didn’t know that?”
Huh?
When my mouth dropped open, Dr. Han chuckled faintly.
“I don’t go home much, though.”
“...I had no idea. I’ve never seen you there...”
“Yun wouldn’t have told you. He never talks.”
He didn’t seem surprised.
But he did grant me permission to brew cider from those apples in the fall. Apparently, he’d been wondering what to do with all the surplus fruit each year—he usually handed them out to the science division people who always begged for them, which was a hassle in itself.
Why did the science team even want those apples?
“They make a fuss about them being Newton’s apples.”
Samuel answered matter-of-factly.
I stared blankly at him.
“Newton’s dead, though.”
“You know the story about the apple that inspired him, right?”
“Yes.”
“That tree—these came from a cutting of that very one. Back when there was still a place called Trinity College, I got a branch from the chancellor.”
“Wow.”
That’s... ridiculously cool.
Now I understood why the science division was obsessed with those apples. If I made cider from them, it’d literally be liquor made from Newton’s apples.
Anyway, maybe the talk of alcohol really did soften him up—Dr. Han approved the visit with a slightly better mood.
The first thing I did was contact Ami.
***
“Hilde!”
Ami came to the hospital room with her black hair tied in a bouncing ponytail and a department-store bag in her hand.
“Anyway, congrats on passing the test!”
I smiled broadly.
When she pulled up a chair next to my bed and showed me the gift inside the bag, I gave her a thumbs-up. It was a pack of meat pies—the very kind I’d hesitated to ~Nоvеl𝕚ght~ buy while cramming with my cohort.
“They said you can eat normal food now,” she said with a grin.
Holding one of the individually wrapped pies, she peered at me.
“So what’s the thing you wanted to say?”
Ha...
“Because your mentor’s too lazy to listen, he told me to hear you out, ask all your questions, and stay a while.”
“...Yun said that?”
“Yeah. Told me not to come back later and dump questions on him.”
Ami frowned as if that comment sounded strange.
“I don’t really get what he meant.”
I forced a crooked smile.
A cool breeze poured through the open window. It was midday. The weather was so beautiful I hated being stuck inside. The Core was peaceful—just a couple of Creatures caught by civilians, and in Core 15 a fourth-class one had attacked a university but was hunted down without casualties.
In other words, it was a good day.
And on this bright, clear afternoon, I was about to tell Ami the truth.
It would be the first time I ever said it out loud.
Where should I even start...
While I hesitated, Ami encouraged me.
“Just say the first line!”
She cheered me on like a teacher coaxing a kindergartner.
“Once you say the first line, the rest will come easier!”
“The first line...”
“The first line!”
“I’m not human.”
Ami’s eyes went round.
She froze mid-motion, as if paralyzed by a spell. Her wide eyes and parted lips showed the depth of her shock.
The pie she’d been holding almost slipped onto the bed.
I reached out and caught it before it fell.
“Then what are you?”
That was her first reaction.
Surprisingly calm.
She didn’t ask if it was a joke, didn’t laugh it off—just stood there studying me intently.
I handed the pie back and said quietly,
“A Creature.”
“Huh?”
Ami made a strange noise.
She blinked several times.
“A Creature?”
“Yes.”
“There are Creatures who talk, use phones, and look human?”
I looked at her.
Then I steeled myself. Ami would accept reality more easily than most. She’d seen Creatures drawn to me, she’d seen my abnormal reactions.
And she’d faced them herself.
I met her steady gaze and gave a faint smile.
“Remember the ones from the First War?”
Ami’s jaw dropped.
“You showed me that video once.”
“That’s why you cried then?”
Her voice shot up in disbelief.
Suppressing the nausea that always rose when I thought of that footage, I nodded.
Ami stayed frozen for a long moment.
“I’m sorry for telling you so late. I actually recovered my memory quite a while ago, but it was classified.”
I rubbed my neck, offering the dazed senior an awkward excuse.
The IV line tickled my elbow. I gently laid it back in place and waited for her to come out of shock.
The sound of wind rustling the curtains filled the pause.
Ami recovered faster than I expected.
“So you knew each other?”
My throat tightened.
I swallowed the lump clogging my windpipe. I’d prepared myself to tell this story, but when the moment came, it was harder than I thought.
I nodded and forced a smile.
“We were friends.”
Ami stared at me, then her brow softened.
“I’m sorry.”
Then, lowering her brows, she added quietly,
“So that’s why you cried so much then.”
“Yes.”
“You must hate us.”
“No. I betrayed them.”
Her eyes widened at my calm answer.
I kept my bitter smile.
As I continued, disgust at myself twisted inside me.
“In truth, it’s no different from me killing them. The sword in Yehyeon’s hand was mine.”
The meat pie fell from Ami’s grasp.
I caught it again—but this time, I didn’t hand it back.
Every word I spoke felt like spitting out razor blades.
And I had to make this kind of confession two more times. I could almost taste blood in my throat, but it was my own karma; there was no one I could complain to.
The pain would never dull.
This time it took Ami longer to recover from the shock.
When she finally stirred, she shook her head slightly and asked,
“Why?”
Good question.
“That part, I don’t remember.”
“You don’t?”
“No. No matter how hard I try, I can’t recall it.”
“Must’ve been too traumatic.”
Ami lowered her brows again.
Her youthful face filled with sympathy.
“People who go through something that shocking often have their brains cover it up.”
“But I was the perpetrator. Imagine how ridiculous I must look to my kind.”
Laughing among the enemy after conveniently forgetting my own crimes.
“They’d have every reason to grit their teeth and want me dead.”
Feeling something rising inside, I shoved the pie into my mouth, forcing it down. The savory scent of seasoning overpowered the smell of antiseptic.
Ami just stared as I swallowed the last bite.
When it was gone, she stood up and patted my shoulder lightly.
“You’ve been through a lot.”
Her tone was calm.
“You must’ve suffered so much. I get why your mentor said that. I have a ton of questions, but I won’t ask them all today—you look too tired. I’ll ask slowly from now on.”
“You can ask now.”
“How old are you, Hilde?”
That’s what she’s curious about?
I blinked, caught off guard.
But Ami’s face was completely serious. She kept her hand on my shoulder, waiting for me to answer.
I don’t even know my exact age anymore.
“It’s been a while since I stopped counting, but I’m older than Yun.”
“Gasp!”
It was the biggest reaction she’d shown since entering the room.
She even stepped back a pace.
Her sense of surprise seemed misplaced.
“I thought you were like my kid brother, but you’re actually older...”
Her round eyes trembled.
I looked back at her, half-amused, half-bewildered.
Why was this the thing that shocked her the most? There were so many other points she could’ve asked about.
And she didn’t seem to be avoiding the heavier topics on purpose.
Her eyes darted around as she muttered to herself,
“I still thought of you as a baby and found you cute...”
“Why not keep thinking that way, please?”
Ami pressed her lips into a straight line.
What was that odd expression supposed to mean?
While I frowned in confusion, she sat back down.
Then she quickly pieced things together.
“It’s because of the recognition notice, right?”
I was halfway through a second pie when she said it.
I nodded.
“I’ve been ordered to tell only a few specific people.”
“Who?”
“Carl, Sophia, and Ricardo.”
“You know Sophia?”
“No. The Personnel Director said he’d inform her himself.”
“Right. Shu’s still too new for that.”
Yeah. Unfortunately.
I’d thought Shu Diamond might take my truth the easiest, but I wasn’t planning to tell her either. She had too bright a future to be dragged into something this messy.
Same for the rookies.
“Did you tell Carl and Rick yet?”
“Not yet. Carl’s supposed to visit in two days.”
“And Rick?”
...Haven’t contacted him yet.
I didn’t say it, but Ami read it from my face.
If it were Yun, he’d have clicked his tongue, but Ami just laughed softly.
“Rick’s scary.”
“I agree.”
“Good luck with your confession, Hilde!”
She clenched her fist, the phrasing awkward but earnest.
“Just tell me how it goes!”
“Then could you be there to cheer me on when I confess?”
“No way. Too scary.”
A cold refusal—but she was joking. Mostly. Still, there was genuine fear in her “too scary,” which made me laugh.
If only confessing to the others could go this smoothly.
It wouldn’t.
“Hilde.”
“Yes?”
“I think you’re a really good person.”
Ami looked at me with wide, unwavering eyes.
She wasn’t saying it as an empty platitude. Each word was pressed down firmly, sharp and deliberate.
“You must’ve had a reason to turn your back. You’re not the kind of person who abandons others for your own comfort.”
Maybe.
“People like that usually justify themselves. But you’re suffering for it.”
Because even trying to escape the suffering would be another kind of betrayal.
I’d promised myself not to commit that one.
Even if it was just another flimsy self-comfort, so be it.
Ami didn’t look away.
“You really are a good person.”
It was kind, comforting.
But Rei died because he hesitated when he saw my sword.
And I handed that sword to Jaeyeon, hoping Rei would hesitate.
How could someone like that be called good?
I didn’t voice those thoughts. Ami was right—today, I didn’t have the strength to say more.
She’d learn the rest about me slowly, as she said.
I smiled faintly and watched her leave when visiting hours ended.
***
Thirty minutes before Carl’s expected arrival.
I steeled myself and sent a message to Ricardo.
[Me: There’s something I need to tell you. When could you come for a longer visit?]
The reply came instantly.
[Ricardo: To beg?]
