Aurora Over a Dead World

Chapter 12: Logically Cold, But Honest

"..." I finish my first class watching almost all the students leave. It’s my first day of teaching and I think I did well. It was pretty productive too, I think. I have no idea, really—after all, I’ve never been a tutor.

But since I have some time and nothing specific to do at the moment, I decide to look up a few things on my tablet. Before I do, though, I glance at the only student who stayed behind, Eirwen.

’...’ I stare at her while she seems downcast. Throughout the entire class, she was quiet. I know full well that what I said sounds bitchy and unpleasant, and I know I crossed a line.

But that’s just how I am, and unfortunately, I can’t be any better than that. Still, there’s a difference between being the way I am and being a horrible person, so I decide to talk to her.

"You know your moralism is the very weapon that holds you back, don’t you?" I say to her, propping my feet up on the table and tilting my chair back, using my tail pressed against the floor to keep from falling.

"I understand your line of thinking. Civilians are innocent and should be treated well, but your superiors are suspicious, they make bad decisions, and they make it seem like their work is pointless since you don’t see any progress."

"And it makes sense. It’s been over 40 years since we’ve achieved anything ’new.’ However, the truth is, in the last 40 years, the progress has been invisible to normal people."

"Energy was a problem that got solved, but nobody mentions it. Monsters attacking the island have also become much rarer, just like monsters being born on this floating island, which has dropped by 87%. Not to mention the stable core you’re using."

"Why are you telling me this?" she says, looking at me.

"...Vectors are physics, and physics is absolute. But humans aren’t absolute. We’re flawed, and just like in the past, when we touched the vectors, we ruined things we shouldn’t have."

"Our mentality also ruins our powers. Do you know why women are the majority of Kairas and we have so few men with powers? Because powers depend on the mind, on stability, and especially on compatibility."

"Women and men are quite different. Men are stronger, and women are more intellectual. It’s not an absolute rule, but we’re more organized, precise, and centered."

"It’s just biology, and that biology favored our powers. But since it’s not an absolute rule, men can have powers too."

"And women can also fail at the basics of controlling their powers. Do you know why? Because we define our powers through our mentality."

"An athletic woman or man who likes running, enjoys climates like forests, and has a freer personality could very likely awaken vectors linked to wind, atmosphere, or kinetic energy."

"Meanwhile, a more explosive, rough, irritable, ’Tsundere’ type of woman or man who enjoys things more linked to action might have a power of explosion, heat, fire, etc."

"Our mentality defines our powers, so how we live influences that."

"Do you know what ice has to do with morality? Ice is solid. It’s rough, it’s strong, it’s durable, and... it doesn’t yield under pressure that easily..."

"You, you are not solid. Not like ice, because ice is cold, it’s indifferent, it doesn’t need to think about empathy or warmth. I’m not saying you should be a cold sociopath."

"But your moralism in trying to be a heroine for civilians is what makes your power control so shitty." I spin the holographic pen between my fingers.

"Why do you talk like you know my life? You’re just a bitter woman," Eirwen criticizes me, once again taking a shot at my morals.

"...Do you know something common among people who master space? We’ve had disturbed minds since we were young. Space is something perfectly stable, yet equally unstable."

"This chaotic duality is the same effect we see in black holes, celestial bodies, and stars. I’m not bitter. I’m skeptical, precise, and unfortunately, far too sarcastic to deal with emotions."

"I also love saving civilians. I like being able to see a child reuniting with their family, a mother reuniting with the son who came back from war, a father smiling like an idiot when he sees his wife again."

"They’re pleasant images, but they’re images that people like you and I will never have. There’s no normal happiness for a Kaira, so there’s also no normal morality and empathy."

"You can have your own morals, but don’t think they help you." Eirwen gets up from her seat and comes over to me. Her eyes are wide open; they really are beautiful eyes.

"Why do you think that erases your earlier cruelty?"

"...It doesn’t erase it, and I wasn’t cruel. I’m just protecting you in my own way. You shouldn’t be here, with these five misfits. You’re different from them. What you lack isn’t a better mentality—that’s the problem."

"You’re too good for this place... What would you do if someone you just saved tried to kill you?" When I ask this, she gets confused and doesn’t give an answer.

"I would pierce his heart with my hand. A quick death, painless, and necessary..." I say to her in a serious tone. And when I say it, and she sees my gaze, she understands. I’ve done this before.

"A young father... who was trapped under rubble while monsters attacked a team I was leading... I saved him. Allies of mine were wounded, but among Kairas, the lives of civilians should be worth more than the wounds of an ally."

"And do you know what he did when I carried him out of the rubble? He tried to stab me in the back. Why? Because he was with some lunatic rebels. A foolish man who wanted money to give his son a better life."

"Was he truly wrong? He wasn’t necessarily evil. He just wanted the best for his family, and if staying close to bad people meant his son would have a better life, he was willing to do that."

"And that decision, Eirwen, is what defines our duty. He wasn’t necessarily evil, and I wasn’t necessarily evil in that situation. We were just on opposite sides. My duty was to kill threats, his was to give something better to his family."

"If it had been you there, would you have let him stab you and ruin the mission? Would you have let him live, knowing your duty? Monsters aren’t the only thing you’ll kill as a soldier."

"So the sooner you adjust your morals, the better it will be for you. Or your powers will one day kill more people than you can protect." She bites her lip, heading toward the door.

"Don’t erase your morals. Good people are rare. But adapt to understand that not everyone deserves to be saved, and not everyone can be saved. When you understand and accept that, it’ll be easier to control your powers." I stop spinning the pen and grab a lollipop, having given the best advice I possibly can to someone so morally upright.

"I wouldn’t have killed him..."

"I know," I reply to her as she leaves the room.

"...Of course you wouldn’t..." I look down at my hands. I still remember perfectly the sound of flesh being pierced and bones breaking, the soft gasp the man let out. And I remember, in that moment, being paralyzed for a second, because it wasn’t a conscious action.

My paranoid body, extremely prepared for surprise attacks, and my survival instincts spoke louder. Back then, I don’t know if I would have killed him if it had been my choice. Although, nowadays, I would do it by choice. I think I’m truly an irreparable soldier at this point.

’Soldiers have no voice... they just follow orders...’ That phrase I heard in my childhood always surfaces in moments like these. Soldiers kill because they are orders, so the blame isn’t entirely yours in cases like this. What matters is never starting to enjoy taking lives.

"Haa... how I wish I could go back to my youth..." I wish I hadn’t learned these lessons firsthand.