The dorm on days without practice always looked the same.
Jeong Seongbin sat on the living room sofa watching the news or reading a book. Beyond the window, Park Juu was watering the potted plants.
If I turned my head, I could clearly see Lee Cheonghyeon sitting at the newly bought desktop computer with a headset on, while Kang Giyeon sat on his bed reading comics through the wide-open bedroom door. Choi Jeho was probably sprawled across the bed in his own room. Every single one of them looked exactly like ordinary men in their early twenties.
And I was supposed to complain to these kids that life was hard for me, someone who had lived through enough years for mountains and rivers to change?
I’d rather bury myself under a blanket and cry alone.
‘Good grief.......’
Swallowing a sigh, I returned to my room and changed clothes. Then I lay quietly on the bed, replaying the conversation I’d had with the seniors.
I stared blankly into the air without moving a finger when I sensed someone nearby. After a brief rustling sound, silence fell, followed by the soft noise of pages turning.
“Giyeon?”
“Yes.”
Even if I never complained, these guys always hovered nearby on their own, worried that fully grown Kim Iwol might sink alone into a swamp of depression.
I didn’t want to burden kids like this any further.
“Giyeon.”
“Yeah?”
“Do you prefer a dependable older brother or a weak-hearted one?”
“A dependable one.”
Who would prefer a weak-hearted older brother? Maybe a delicate one, but not weak-hearted. I completely agreed with Kang Giyeon’s answer.
“What about a hardworking older brother versus a lazy one?”
“A hardworking one.”
“And between someone responsible and someone irresponsible?”
“Obviously the responsible one.”
See? People were supposed to be reliable, diligent, and responsible for their actions—
“Are the quiz questions over?”
“Hm?”
Kang Giyeon snapped his comic shut loudly. Then he grabbed me and dragged me into the living room.
“Everyone, gather up for a minute. We need to talk.”
“What?”
Whether I panicked or not, Kang Giyeon stood ramrod straight and waited for the members to gather. Spark slowly wandered out from various corners of the dorm.
“What is it?”
Choi Jeho plopped down onto the floor and asked.
“I don’t know either. Giyeon called us.”
Despite the hearing being opened without warning, Spark’s attendance rate somehow hit one hundred percent. Honestly, now that my mental state had genuinely improved, I wanted to shout at them to stop hanging around the dorm and go enjoy their break outside.
“Hyung, there’s something you want to tell us, right?”
Kang Giyeon asked.
His face was nearly expressionless, but his eyes gleamed sharply.
“There isn’t.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I do. I think Iwol hyung’s self-esteem has gotten way too low lately. I think he needs active support from the people around him.”
My mouth fell open automatically.
That wasn’t just a direct hit. It felt like he’d punched straight through my solar plexus.
“No!”
“No? Then why were you asking what kind of older brother people prefer?”
“.......”
“I don’t think you’re weak-hearted or pathetic at all, but still.”
The members’ gazes all landed on me.
One by one, their eyes felt unbearably clear, as though they were right in front of my face. The pressure made me want to crawl somewhere and hide.
“......Do I seriously have to say everything?”
At my question, Kang Giyeon crossed his arms and nodded.
I told them I didn’t think I could look anyone in the eye, so could I at least lie down while talking? Park Juu immediately offered me his thigh as a pillow.
I pulled Jeong Seongbin’s blanket over myself and stayed curled beneath it for a long time. No one tried to rush me. Only after the ticking of the living room clock started sounding painfully loud did I finally force myself to speak.
“......Things have been hard lately.”
“.......”
“I was depressed. It was similar to burnout, but not exactly the same. I just...... couldn’t find any energy. It wasn’t because of you guys or work. It was personal.”
I couldn’t even imagine what expressions they were making outside the blanket.
So I continued talking cowardly from beneath the microfiber blanket.
“I’m completely recovered now, so you really don’t have to worry.”
“.......”
“But with your personalities, that’s impossible, right?”
Nobody answered.
I had already worked through most of the miserable emotions during the trip. The only thing left now was embarrassment about facing the members. I almost wanted to call Yur and Polo right this second and ask if this really was the right thing to do.
“I got this much better because of you guys. Otherwise I probably would’ve kept digging myself deeper into the ground. I’m seriously good at self-destructive spirals. Once I start digging, I keep going until I hit rock bottom. I’m too old to be acting like this. It’s pathetic. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. Because it’s pathetic.”
I tried as hard as possible to explain things calmly.
Thankfully, my voice didn’t shake, and I didn’t choke up. I was only grateful the blanket hid how hot my face felt.
“......There’s a lot I have to do.”
Things like lawsuits. Winning awards. Repaying the love our fans had given us before the Synchronization rate reached its limit.
The growing pile of responsibilities kept making me anxious.
“I was impatient because things weren’t working out properly. And then I felt useless for being impatient.”
“.......”
“I’m not someone particularly special.”
I wanted to repay the expectations and love I’d received, even if I wasn’t capable of holding all of it.
I couldn’t describe how regretful it felt whenever I saw things slipping through my fingers, like trying to carry overflowing water while knowing I’d end up drenched and most of it would spill through the cracks anyway.
“I know you guys are tired too. I keep creating more work, and whenever you tell me to rest, I say there’s no time. All I ever do is ask for more.......”
My voice gradually grew quieter.
The more I spoke, the smaller I felt.
Faced with Spark, all I could think about were my own faults.
“I didn’t want to make you worry over something like this too.”
I truly meant that.
Negative emotions spread frighteningly easily. The darker they were, the more contagious they became.
I didn’t want to stain these guys with the same feelings.
It had already been enough for the members in the previous timeline to experience nearly losing one of their teammates.
And yet, in the end, I still made them anxious.
These kids who had lived far less than I had. Kids I was supposed to be protecting instead.
My conscience hurt.
At the same time, I found comfort in the warmth these younger kids offered me.
Human beings really were contradictory creatures.
“I kept thinking I should tell you everything’s okay now, and that it’s thanks to you guys...... I just couldn’t find the right moment.”
Someone let out a quiet sigh.
An unidentified hand patted my shoulder gently.
“So you’re saying there’s no major problem now, right?”
Choi Jeho asked.
I answered honestly.
“I can’t say one hundred percent. I decided not to judge my own condition alone anymore. But my counselor says I’m improving. And I really do feel much better than before.”
“.......”
“I wasn’t planning to say this much. This was impulsive, so you can ignore it if you want. And me hiding under the blanket isn’t some avoidant behavior because I don’t want to show you an ugly side of myself. I’m just embarrassed. So please ignore that too. And now, could everyone return to whatever they were doing?”
The guys awkwardly got to their feet.
Lee Cheonghyeon muttered, “Ah, seriously,” then thoroughly ruffled the exposed part of my hair sticking out from the blanket before leaving.
After apologizing to Park Juu, I sat up, only to see two legs still standing firmly in place.
Kang Giyeon.
He didn’t move even while I carefully folded the blanket and placed it back on the sofa. In fact, when I tried retreating into my room, he followed right after me.
“What’s wrong? I already told you everything honestly.”
“There’s still something I haven’t said to you.”
“Can I go back under the blanket?”
“No.”
Kang Giyeon answered immediately.
I wasn’t exaggerating when I said he looked terrifying. That was what happened when Kang Giyeon’s naturally cold features seemed to grow even colder every passing year.
Whether I trembled in fear or not, Kang Giyeon calmly pulled out a chair and sat down. This time, he didn’t even pretend to bring a comic book along.
“Do you remember before? When I said something harsh to you?”
“When?”
“When I had my panic attack.”
I searched my memories, but I genuinely couldn’t remember him ever saying anything harsh.
“Giyeon, I don’t think you ever did that.”
“I did. That’s why I apologized afterward.”
Kang Giyeon uncrossed his arms.
“Back then, I used to get upset that you never relied on us. I thought we should support each other and get through things together, but I couldn’t understand why you hated receiving help from other people so much...... And because I knew my own mentality was weak, I got angry at myself too for not being someone you could lean on.”
That sounded exactly like Kang Giyeon, who valued group dynamics more than anyone else.
I quietly waited for him to continue.
“But after learning about your situation...... all I could think was that you’d been carrying way too much by yourself. Of course you couldn’t rely on us. With your personality, how could you tell kids who couldn’t even stand on stage at the time that you were struggling?”
“I never thought of you guys as burdens.”
“I know that much. I just mean I wasn’t someone dependable for you.”
Kang Giyeon smiled bitterly.
“But hyung, we grow older too.”
“Huh?”
“Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean we’ll lose our balance and fall apart.”
For a moment, I struggled to understand exactly what Kang Giyeon meant.
Seeing my confusion, he explained directly.
“We’re not as weak as we used to be. Not to the point where we can’t handle someone else’s pain. So if you need to, lean on us. Stretch out your legs and complain all you want.”
“.......”
“Haven’t we grown up enough for that?”
The idea was ridiculous.
What did he mean, grown up? They were only a few years older.
I had already lived nearly nine extra years. Even if you ignored that—which you absolutely shouldn’t—I was still three years older than him at minimum......
“Have you grown?”
“Huh?”
“Stand up, Giyeon.”
At my words, Kang Giyeon awkwardly stood.
I immediately grabbed his wrist and dragged him out into the living room. Then I shoved him flat against the wall.
“Choi Jeho! Tape measure!”
“What?”
Choi Jeho slowly wandered out of his room holding a tape measure. I stuck an index card over Kang Giyeon’s head, snatched the tape measure, and checked the height with trembling hands.
The result was—
“180!”
“Seriously?!”
......180.
Exactly 180 centimeters.
“You really did grow.”
“No, that’s not what I meant when I said we’d grown.”
“You really grew......!”
Did Kang Giyeon himself even understand how significant physical growth was?
It wasn’t something that happened just because time passed. You needed luck too. You had to avoid injuries and overwork entirely for years.
Even while being too busy following the System’s orders, I had wanted to fulfill Kang Giyeon’s wish because I wanted to ease the guilt of constantly feeling like I was burdening them.
And now that his dream had finally come true, it felt as though some of the debt piled inside me had finally grown lighter.
I enthusiastically started massaging Kang Giyeon’s shoulders. I even made him sit down on the floor and began massaging his knees too.
Kang Giyeon looked horrified at first, but after seeing how genuinely excited I was, he quietly accepted my celebration.
