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This episode contains material that may trigger trauma, including depression and suicidal ideation/extreme choices.
Please keep that in mind while reading.
『↑ Spark’s Juu Attempts Extreme Choice at Home......』
A ringing filled my ears.
Louder than any warning alarm.
Before I knew it, I had clicked the headline that had climbed to number one. The screen changed.
[Breaking] Spark’s Juu Attempts Extreme Choice at Home...... Reported by Member
20XX-XX-XX 12:17 AM
(photo.jpg)
[Spark’s Juu. The photo is unrelated to the incident.]
(Seoul=Dispatch) Spark’s Juu is reported to have attempted an extreme choice at his residence. Member Seongbin, who was the first to discover him after visiting a fellow member’s home, made the emergency report, and Juu was immediately transported to the ER. It has been revealed that his life is not in danger.
Some are raising the possibility that the incident stemmed from despair over the group’s disbandment. As it became known that the timing of Juu’s attempt coincided with UA Entertainment’s disbandment announcement, demands began spreading across social media calling for transparent disclosure of the decision-making process. UA Entertainment urged the public to refrain from reckless speculation toward the artist.
.
.
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My fingertips turned ice cold.
My head hurt.
I couldn’t even ask why.
Everything in front of me was dark, yet blinding.
I felt like I might collapse at any moment, but was I...... standing? Sitting in the chair?
He’d intended to die?
He really died like this.
If he hadn’t called Jeong Seongbin himself, then had he truly planned to leave alone?
Without asking anyone for help even once. Giving up on everything.
Because he thought there was no reason to live if Spark disappeared?
Because he really had that little attachment to living.
Fuck, don’t try to force your own misery onto someone else even at a time like this. Kim Iwol, are you even human?
I struck my own head over and over, trying to beat down the thoughts obsessively chewing through the past. My bones rang. My arm went numb.
I remembered Park Juu during trainee days, bedridden with a cold. Burning up with fever, yet never once telling anyone he was sick.
Even though I knew people didn’t usually die from the flu, I’d still been terrified. Terrified enough to shove my feet into whatever shoes were nearby without even checking if they were mine before running out. My heart had dropped. Cold sweat had broken out over me, and I hadn’t slept a second all night.
But this was worse.
Something really could have happened this time.
And Jeong Seongbin must have......
I felt dizzy.
But more than the confusion, what overwhelmed me was—
“I don’t want anything else. Recording with the members, standing on stage with them...... that’s enough.”
Park Juu’s unwavering voice, the one I’d tried to coax and persuade.
“Juu.”
I pushed myself up using the desk.
Then I searched for Park Juu, even though he couldn’t possibly be here.
Fear crashed over me.
“Juu, Juu.......”
The fear that Park Juu might make the same choice again.
The emptiness that came when someone beside you vanished forever.
The guilt that maybe, just maybe, I’d encouraged the very choice that should never have been chosen from the closest position possible......
My face burned as if scorched.
My breathing turned ragged.
The moment I burst through the officetel door hard enough to nearly break it, the memory data shut off.
Instead of the building hallway, I saw the dark living room of the dorm.
Just like that night when Park Juu had suffered alone.
Even after I threw open the bedroom door, Park Juu remained lying still.
When I yanked the blanket back, Park Juu removed his sleep mask in the darkness.
Startled, he pulled off his headset.
“Iwol hyung?”
“Juu.”
I’d prayed for nobody to be hurting.
Just like back then, I was grateful he wasn’t physically hurt.
But even if I could recognize physical pain, I was far too lacking to quickly notice pain of the heart.
“I’m sorry.”
“Hyung, wait—”
“I was wrong. I won’t force you ever again.”
“Hyung!”
Park Juu raised his voice.
Someone grabbed and twisted my shoulders, pulling me away from him.
“Juu, please.”
I clung to both of Park Juu’s arms.
My head hurt so badly it was difficult to lift it, but I endured it.
Because if I let go now, Park Juu might disappear.
The surroundings brightened.
It sounded like chaos was breaking out all around us.
“Do whatever you want. I’ll never make you do anything you hate again. I just...... want you to......”
My pleading words toward the deathly pale Park Juu were abruptly muffled.
A powerful grip covered my nose and mouth.
A fucking tissue.......
“Hyung.”
Park Juu’s distorted expression came into view as he reached toward my face.
▷ Current Synchronization rate: 80%
Park Juu’s voice reached me faintly through the System.
Slowly, I lowered my gaze.
Park Juu’s white bed was stained completely red.
It took some time before I regained my senses.
Honestly, for several hours, all I remembered was rambling incoherently.
I only found out much later that the one pinching my nose shut, cursing irritably every time the tissues got soaked through with blood before throwing them away and tearing open fresh ones to shove against my nose again, had been Choi Jeho.
“He suddenly ran into the room, and then there was blood coming from his nose......”
While Choi Jeho explained the situation to Jeong Seongbin, who had noticed I was missing and come looking for me, Park Juu stayed beside me.
I knew I probably didn’t look sane right now, but I abused their kindness anyway because it felt like I’d lose my mind unless at least one member of Spark stayed within my field of vision.
Fuck. Even if they completely lost all affection for me after this, I’d have nothing to say.
“Is it still bleeding?”
Jeong Seongbin asked worriedly.
There was tissue in his hand too. Park Juu replaced them whenever they got soaked.
“Should we call Chanyeong hyung? Or Daeyeon hyung?”
Jeong Seongbin knelt in front of me as he asked.
I shook my head.
I wasn’t hurt, and I didn’t need help.
As long as you guys stay somewhere within reach.
At the very least, just let me keep hearing something. Voices, footsteps, anything.
“......What about Cheonghyeon and Giyeon? Are they asleep?”
“I think so. Their lights were off.”
“Can you check just once? I’m anxious.”
It was hard to keep my eyes open properly.
My head kept drooping.
If Park Juu hadn’t been holding my shoulders up, I probably would’ve slammed my forehead into something and passed out.
Jeong Seongbin soothed me and said he understood.
Choi Jeho gathered the tissues scattered across the floor and left the room as well.
Only Park Juu and I remained.
“......Juu.”
“Yeah, hyung.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why do you keep apologizing?”
Because I was certain I’d hurt you, yet still didn’t understand what the biggest problem actually was.
Because even asking about it might not be what you wanted.
Because it was suffocating not being able to do anything.
Because I was leaning on you while not even fully understanding your feelings, unable to properly explain myself.
I was sorry for all of it.
Too much.
Park Juu gently pulled my hand away from my nose.
The fresh tissue he’d replaced it with had no blood on it.
“The bleeding stopped too...... let’s sleep. We can talk after you wake up, hyung.”
I said I didn’t want to, but Park Juu remained gentle and firm.
He laid me down on the bed he treasured so much and covered me with the blanket Jeong Seongbin had brought.
“I don’t want to sleep.”
“Why?”
Park Juu asked.
Because I’m scared that when I wake up, everything will already be over.
Because I know tragic things happen in moments when I’m not looking, in the briefest instant possible.
And yet my body feels so heavy my eyes keep closing anyway, and that terrifies me.
“The bed’s too small for two people to lie down in......”
Right.
Juu, you......
The praise that had risen out of habit snagged in my head before it could come out.
My brain genuinely wasn’t working at all.
I heard something being set down nearby.
The rustling of fabric followed.
Then, from slightly farther away than before, Park Juu’s voice came quietly.
“......I’ll stay here.”
“.......”
“So no matter when you wake up, you’ll see me. Don’t worry and just sleep.”
My eyes were closed, so I couldn’t see him, but I could tell Park Juu was near my head.
The headache eased just a little.
“Cheonghyeon and Giyeon are dead asleep.”
Park Juu spoke softly.
“Everyone’s sleeping well, so let’s meet again tomorrow.”
After that gentle farewell, I fell asleep.
There were no dreams.
After hearing about the commotion that happened at dawn, the managers strongly insisted that activities needed to be suspended.
Even when I explained it had only been a nightmare, they refused to back down.
But I didn’t withdraw.
Not simply because of stubbornness—I genuinely felt like I would lose my mind if I got separated from Spark in this state, so I practically begged them to let me keep following the group around.
Park Juu’s blanket was declared beyond saving.
Park Juu adamantly refused my offer to buy him a new one.
I still couldn’t understand what was truly in Park Juu’s heart.
Whether wearing the headset simply made him feel at ease.
Whether he wanted to live blended into society as long as he was with close members.
Or whether he only wanted to spend time with people close to him and no one else.
Thankfully, Park Juu’s stress over being called “socially maladjusted” seemed to lessen at least a little.
Ironically, it was because someone even more in need of help had appeared.
Park Juu would probably hate hearing me say this......
But at least I worked as a functioning member of society by relying on Park Juu and Spark, so there was no denying how much ✪ Nоvеlіgһt ✪ (Official version) Park Juu contributed.
We ended things by deciding to reject the record label’s offer.
UA respected Park Juu’s opinion after he firmly reiterated that he wanted to focus on group activities.
Even I, who’d chewed my lips raw enough to be dragged into the meeting room, finally felt relieved once the matter was completely settled.
“So you don’t want to do solo schedules for now either?”
Jukyung asked.
I thought she meant existing schedules like radio appearances, but apparently there was something else.
“You remember ‘My Favorite Playlist’ that Seongbin appeared on before, right? They sent an offer for Juu this time. You can take as much time as you need to think about it. And of course, it’s fine to decline.”
Park Juu looked at me.
I smiled and spoke.
“Do whatever your heart wants. That’s what I hope you’ll do.”
“Hyung......”
“Just know this one thing.”
Probably the factor that would influence Park Juu’s decision most heavily.
“People will see it as an appearance for album promotion. Your intentions won’t be misunderstood, so if you want to do it, don’t hesitate.”
After hearing me out, Park Juu asked for time to think.
It didn’t take him long to decide.
“......I said I’ll do it.”
I’d figured he would accept, as long as it wasn’t something people could mistake as groundwork for solo activities.
Because Park Juu loved singing enough that he never turned away opportunities that came to him.
Jeong Seongbin was visibly delighted by his friend’s decision.
He even wrapped Park Juu in a hug and thumped his back and shoulders.
“You did well.”
“.......”
“You really made the right choice.”
I wasn’t unaware that Jeong Seongbin carried guilt toward Park Juu.
To him as well, Park Juu’s decision must have been welcome news.
