February 8, 2021
"Why do you think you’re a monster?"
"Because the monsters only come to me. And..."
Mikael trailed off, lowering his head. The words hovered on his tongue—What if Mom becomes unhappy because of me?—but he couldn’t bring himself to say them.
If he heard those words from Cabelenus too, it would truly feel like the end of everything.
"And? What comes after that?"
"I don’t want to say."
Mikael buried his face against Cabelenus’s shoulder, shaking his head stubbornly. Cabelenus stared at the boy’s round head before shifting his gaze back forward.
"Then don’t."
"...You’re really not going to ask?"
"You said you don’t want to talk about it."
"...It’s because I’m scared."
Cabelenus frowned as Mikael’s small, warm fingers twitched against the nape of his neck.
"What are you scared of?"
"I’m scared that I really am a monster."
"..."
"Because if I am... I can’t stay with Mom. Monsters—"
"Enough."
Cabelenus cut him off sharply.
The way Mikael clenched his tiny fists, the tremble in his voice, and that word—monster—grated on his nerves.
Mikael was far too small to be called a monster.
No matter how hard he tried, there was little he could actually do. He was still just a child. A child who needed protection.
Cabelenus shut his eyes briefly, irritated at himself for realizing something so obvious only now.
"I don’t know where you heard that nonsense, but you’re not a monster."
"...But the monsters only appear in front of me."
"There’s nothing strange about that. Predators always target the weakest prey first. It’s just more efficient."
"I’m not weak."
"You’re weaker than me."
"..."
If Cabelenus was the standard, then there was nothing to say.
Mikael pressed his forehead against Cabelenus’s shoulder in frustration. In response, Cabelenus tightened his grip around the boy slightly.
"It’s fine to be weak. It doesn’t matter."
"But you just said weak ones get attacked first."
"That’s why I’m here."
"..."
Mikael peeked up from where he was buried against him.
Cabelenus avoided his gaze and pressed the boy’s head back down.
"From now on, don’t run off to weird places. Just come straight to me."
"..."
"Are you going to answer?"
"...I’ll think about it."
"Suit yourself."
Cabelenus adjusted his hold on Mikael.
There was no answer, but the child still clung to him.
***
"Oh my god, Mikael!"
Alicia rushed forward the moment she saw him.
Cabelenus steadied her with one arm while still holding Mikael in the other.
"Calm down. He’s fine."
"Really?"
"He fell asleep on the way back. He must have been exhausted."
"And his injuries? Is he hurt?"
"There’s nothing serious, but he scraped his hands. He should get them treated."
Alicia’s face twisted as she took in the dirtied, wounded hands. It was just a small scratch, but to her, it felt as though her own flesh had been torn apart.
"I must have let my guard down because he looked so happy."
"Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault."
"If I had been watching more closely, this wouldn’t have happened."
"If you keep thinking that way, there’s no end to it. I should take responsibility for leaving a place like that unchecked. And..."
Cabelenus turned back to the passage they had emerged from.
Now that the lantern was gone, it was shrouded in complete darkness.
"What happened inside?"
"A lot."
As much as what you went through.
His eyes narrowed at the dried bloodstains on her clothes.
Alicia noticed and quickly spoke, just as she had with Gajev earlier.
"It’s not my blood."
"Then whose is it?"
"James’s."
"Did he attack you?"
Cabelenus clenched his teeth, his golden eyes flashing dangerously.
He should have killed him earlier.
Instead, he had made the mistake of treating him like a guest.
If James were standing here right now, Cabelenus wouldn’t hesitate to rip him apart.
"It wasn’t James. It was me."
"You?"
"He wouldn’t listen, so I tried a different approach."
"..."
His expression turned unreadable.
Alicia’s faint smile was the same as ever.
Yet, even with the evidence of blood before him, he couldn’t quite imagine what exactly that "different approach" had been.
While he hesitated, Alicia gently brushed Mikael’s messy hair aside.
"James must have hurt Mikael somehow."
"Hurt him?"
"I don’t know the details. But one thing’s certain—he must have said something cruel on purpose."
She let out a weary sigh.
"Mikael trusts James. He always follows him around..."
Her lips curled downward in a bitter frown.
She had planned to interrogate James further, but he had fainted from the pain before she could get everything out of him.
Still, based on his words and behavior, she could guess well enough what he had done.
"If James said something, it was likely about me."
Even when Cabelenus had found Mikael, he had reacted strongly every time Alicia was mentioned.
That couldn’t have been a coincidence.
"That’s why I came here. I wanted to be the first to hold him when we found him."
Alicia spoke quickly, almost breathlessly.
Cabelenus exhaled sharply and reached out, pressing a hand against her flushed cheek.
Alicia lowered her gaze slightly.
"I should have kept my emotions in check."
"It’s not your fault."
"It is. You only spared James because of me."
"..."
"Honestly... I wanted to keep my relationship with him. He helped me a lot. And even though things were complicated, I believed we were getting better, little by little."
This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
Alicia gently smoothed Mikael’s hair as he slept. His face was still swollen from crying, his tiny body relaxed in exhaustion.
"The last time you cried... it was because of him, wasn’t it?"
"...You knew?"
"There’s no one under my command who would dare do something like that to you."
Cabelenus’s lips curled into a slight sneer.
There was a time when he thought hiding things meant protecting them.
But he had already lived through the regret of not doing what he truly wanted.
Now, he no longer hid Alicia’s existence.
"What do you want me to do?"
"..."
"If there’s anything you desire, I’ll make it happen. You just have to give the order."
His golden eyes gleamed.
Alicia swallowed dryly.
She already knew what the cruelest answer would be.
"Do as you see fit. I don’t want to waste any more of my thoughts on him."
She met his gaze unwaveringly.
Cabelenus had spared James all this time because of her.
And now, she had just given him permission.
The outcome was obvious.
Yet, Alicia did not change her answer.
***
"So he told Mikael that I’m his biological father?"
Cabelenus pressed his fingers to his temple.
Alicia gripped the fabric of her dress, her eyes on Mikael’s sleeping face.
"It was something he would have learned eventually, but I didn’t want him to find out like this."
"And now he probably hates me even more."
"No. Mikael likes you."
"Liking someone and seeing them as a father are two different things."
Mikael was not good at hiding his emotions.
Cabelenus knew the boy was fond of him.
But that was it.
That gaze was different from the one he directed at Alicia.
Mikael didn’t look at him as a parent.
"...Are you just going to ignore it?"
"I don’t know. Pretending to be a father now would be ridiculous. Maybe it’s best if I don’t do anything that would shock him further."
"..."
"He’s still young. There’s nothing wrong with holding onto the illusion of a perfect father for a little while longer."
"If it’s Mikael... he wouldn’t want a perfect father. He’d want a father who is simply there for him."
"..."
Cabelenus turned his head.
The child sleeping peacefully looked completely innocent.
He did not belong in a world soaked with blood.
"Mikael likes you far more than you realize. He always has."
Alicia smiled softly.
Cabelenus exhaled shortly.
Remembering how Mikael had asked him if he was a monster still made his stomach burn.
"...Maybe I shouldn’t have said those things back then."
His jaw clenched, the muscles tensing.
His rough fingers ran through his neatly combed hair, messing it up.
He had already known—once words were spoken, they couldn’t be taken back.
And yet, he regretted them.
Eight years ago, he should never have said those things.
"Mikael asked me if he was a monster."
"Oh, god..."
Alicia covered her face with both hands, her breath warm between her fingers.
"I told him no. And as I said it... I almost laughed at myself. I don’t even deserve to say those words."
Cabelenus let out a bitter chuckle.
He was the one who had called Mikael a monster in the first place.
Now, hearing those same words come from the child’s mouth had made him uncomfortable.
It was contradictory.
"Do you regret it?"
"Yes. I regret it. Not that it changes anything."
"It changes our future."
"..."
Alicia reached out.
Cabelenus slowly moved toward her.
"You’re trying, aren’t you?"
"And yet, I don’t feel like I belong. Like I’m wearing something that doesn’t fit."
"Everyone feels that way at first. I did, too."
"...You did?"
"There were times I resented Mikael. It was so difficult that I thought we’d be better off dead together."
"..."
"I know it makes me sound pathetic, but I really did feel that way back then."
Alicia’s eyes glistened.
Now, it was unimaginable.
But back then, the newborn child had «N.o.v.e.l.i.g.h.t» felt like a burden.
A child born of a beast was unwelcome anywhere.
She had always lived in fear of being discovered.
She had fled over and over again, barely clinging to life.
Her body was weak, her mind exhausted.
Meanwhile, the helpless infant could do nothing but cry.
It had all felt too much.
"But the contradiction is... if I hadn’t gone through all that, I wouldn’t be who I am today."
"..."
"Giving birth doesn’t automatically make someone a parent."
Back then, she hadn’t known that.
Her voice trembled.
"So don’t be too hard on yourself."
"..."
"You made mistakes, yes. But you regret them, don’t you? You’re suffering because of them."
"..."
"Then all that’s left is to look at Mikael now. Love him. Be kind to him. Cherish him. And hold him close."
"...Is it really that simple?"
Cabelenus frowned.
Alicia’s lips curled into a gentle smile.
"It’s not as complicated as you think. After all, what he wants from you isn’t anything grand."
Their hands intertwined.
Cabelenus lowered himself slightly, aligning his gaze with hers.
"...Would it be okay if I told him the truth?"
"If you want to, then do it."
Alicia’s fingers brushed softly behind his ear.
Cabelenus pressed his lips together before burying his face against her lap.
Before he realized it, her dress had grown damp with silent tears.
