January 7, 2021.
"...Are you okay?"
After Alicia’s tears had subsided, Cabelenus handed her a glass of water.
She sat on the bed, her red-rimmed eyes fixed on him. His shoulder was completely soaked.
"I’m sorry. I must have looked so pathetic."
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"..."
"Can I ask what happened?"
Instead of answering, Alicia lowered her head. The tears that had gathered at the corners of her eyes slipped down her cheeks and fell into the glass.
"It’s nothing."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"If you want me to pretend I don’t notice, I will."
Cabelenus pulled a chair closer and sat down directly in front of her.
He didn’t say anything. He simply watched her.
Even though Alicia kept her head down, she could feel his piercing gaze.
Her fingers fidgeted anxiously, and a thick silence settled between them.
"..."
"..."
"...I should go. Mikael might wake up."
Alicia adjusted her expression and stood up.
Cabelenus rose as well.
"I’ll go instead."
"Mikael needs me. He’ll cry if I’m not there when he wakes up."
"You don’t want him to see that you’ve been crying."
"..."
"Your face. Anyone could tell you’ve been crying. Your eyes are red, and your face is swollen."
Cabelenus tapped his own cheek with his fingertips.
"But Mikael always looks for me when he wakes up—"
"I read in a book that this is the age when children can start sleeping alone."
"...A book?"
Alicia furrowed her brows, confused.
But Cabelenus simply nodded, as if it were obvious.
"A parenting book."
"..."
"Why? Am I not allowed to read things like that?"
"N-No, of course not."
Alicia forced an awkward smile.
"You look awfully surprised for someone who says that."
"It’s just... I never imagined you reading that kind of book."
"If I don’t know something, I should learn."
"..."
He wasn’t wrong.
But hearing him say it felt strange.
No matter how hard she tried to picture it, books simply didn’t suit his rough hands. A sword seemed far more fitting.
Let alone a book about parenting.
"I know. No matter what I do, I won’t be like an ordinary father."
"...An ordinary father?"
"You know. I’m not normal."
"..."
"But I won’t just leave things as they are. If I’ve decided to raise him as my son, then I won’t do it half-heartedly. I’ll do everything I can."
Cabelenus nodded firmly.
Alicia’s eyes wavered.
He was trying—far more than she had expected.
And...
"...What does it mean to be a normal parent?"
"To raise a child properly?"
"And what does it mean to raise a child properly?"
"To feed them, clothe them until they grow up... uh..."
Cabelenus trailed off, resting his chin on his hand.
He had never really thought about what made a parent normal.
He had simply assumed he wasn’t one.
"...Honestly, I don’t know."
Eventually, he let out a short sigh.
"Then what about me?"
"You?"
"What kind of mother do I seem like to you?"
"You seem like you’re doing your best."
"That’s all?"
"Have you ever thought that I was strange?"
Alicia wasn’t sure why she asked that.
But seeing her on the verge of tears, Cabelenus couldn’t ignore her.
"To be honest, I did think you were a little excessive."
"Excessive?"
"Not in a bad way. You were in a... unique situation. Mikael is special. And I was there too. No, I mean..."
The way Alicia’s face twisted made Cabelenus bite his lip anxiously.
"...I don’t know what a normal parent is. But to me, you’ve always been a proper mother."
Even now, she was thinking of Mikael.
Cabelenus gave a small, bitter smile.
Alicia stared at him blankly.
Then, slowly, she opened her lips.
"...Someone told me something."
"What was it?"
"That I’m not normal."
"Not normal?"
"They said I’m starving for affection. That I only seek people who can give me unconditional love. That what I feel isn’t love at all."
Alicia smiled, but her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
"I pretended it didn’t affect me, but the truth is, my throat tightened when I heard it. Because... deep down, I felt like they were right."
"..."
"I’ve always thought of myself as strange. I don’t even know if I’m a good mother to Mikael. The only kind of parents I’ve ever known were the ones who either used their children for convenience or sacrificed themselves entirely."
"..."
"So I tried my hardest. I kept trying, pouring all of my emotions into it. But when I heard those words, my mind just... went blank."
A bitter laugh escaped from between her lips.
"Honestly, they weren’t wrong. From my mother, to you, to Mikael... I’ve always needed someone to love me."
Is that really normal?
Alicia’s shoulders trembled like wet wings.
Cabelenus watched her for a moment.
Then, he took a step closer.
"Then what is normal?"
"Huh?"
"You must have some idea of what normal looks like."
"Well..."
This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.
Alicia’s lips parted slightly, but no words came out.
"You can’t say it, can you?"
"..."
"I was the same when you asked me. I didn’t know what the standard of normal was, but I simply assumed I was different from ordinary people."
"..."
"From the very start, I believed it was impossible. That I could never fit within the boundaries of normalcy."
Cabelenus reached out and gently tucked Alicia’s disheveled hair behind her ear.
The small ear that was revealed trembled along with the rest of her.
"Perhaps you and I are more alike than we thought."
"...You think I’m like you?"
"Of course, you’re far better than me."
At least I never thought you were strange.
The calloused pads of his fingers brushed against her earlobe, the touch unfamiliar. Alicia instinctively averted her gaze.
"I’m no good at comforting people. And since I don’t consider myself normal, I don’t have the right to judge whether you are or not."
"..."
"But Gajev said something the other day. He said Mikael grew up surprisingly well."
"..."
"Mikael himself said it too. That you’re the best mother in the world."
Cabelenus reached out, wiping away the lingering tears at the corners of Alicia’s eyes.
She stood still, letting out a faint, trembling breath.
"I don’t know the standard for a good parent. But I’ve never thought you were a bad mother."
"...Why?"
"If you were, Mikael wouldn’t be able to smile the way he does."
"..."
"Love that allows a child to smile like that... can’t be wrong."
A child's face never lies.
Mikael was the very image of a child raised with love.
"Then... does Mikael seem like he’s grown up well to you?"
"He’s grown too well."
Cabelenus let out a small chuckle as he recalled Mikael’s bright, toothy grin from earlier that day.
"Don’t be so hard on yourself. Honestly, you were in a situation where that was inevitable."
"...You think it was inevitable?"
"Yeah. It makes sense. The mother who was the only one to ever show you warmth. The man who seemed like a savior, avenging that mother. The only blood relative you had in this world. They were all people you were bound to form an attachment to."
Alicia had never thought of it that way.
Not knowing what kind of expression to make, she simply fidgeted with her fingers.
Cabelenus took her small hand in his palm.
"You’re incredibly harsh on yourself, you know that?"
"...What?"
"But do you realize this?"
"Realize what?"
"If all you ever wanted was someone to fill that emptiness, then eight years ago, you wouldn’t have had the strength to speak up to me—to beg for Mikael’s life."
Cabelenus knew that bringing up the past wasn’t good for him.
Even so, he continued speaking in a calm tone.
"People say that excessive affection can be poisonous. But feelings don’t always follow logic."
"..."
"The emotions you had weren’t wrong. You were just... more desperate than others. And that made them all the more profound."
At least, that’s how I see it.
At those words, Alicia finally broke down.
Like a child, she collapsed onto the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
***
"Mom... I..."
Mikael stirred in his sleep, his small hands searching the sheets.
But the warmth that should have been there was gone.
No matter how much he reached out, it wasn’t there.
His tiny movements stopped.
Still half-asleep, Mikael remained frozen for a moment before slowly forcing his heavy eyelids open.
His sleepiness was forgotten.
Finding his mother was more important.
"Mom?"
No answer.
His drowsy, unfocused eyes sharpened.
Mikael rubbed his eyes and quickly sat up.
It wasn’t just his imagination.
His mother, who was always beside him, was gone.
His lips wobbled.
Mikael crawled across the bed, searching desperately, pulling back the blankets and twisting his head in every direction.
But no matter how hard he looked, his mother was nowhere to be found.
"...Mommy’s gone."
Unable to bear the absence any longer, Mikael whimpered and carefully climbed down from the bed.
But even then, the situation didn’t change.
His mother wasn’t in the room.
Holding back his tears, Mikael shuffled toward the closed door.
He swallowed nervously.
The doorknob loomed above him, just barely within reach if he stood on his tiptoes.
He had pulled on it countless times since coming to Schwarhan, but for some reason, facing it at night made it seem... different.
The wolf engraved on the handle looked as though it would leap out and attack him at any moment.
"I can’t be scared. I have to find Mommy."
Mikael muttered to himself, clenching the handle with both hands.
The dark hallways weren’t nearly as terrifying as the absence of his mother.
Of course, that didn’t mean they weren’t scary.
Creak...
Mikael took a deep breath as he peeked out into the dimly lit corridor.
Mana lamps dotted the walls, but their glow was faint.
The flickering shadows they cast only made the atmosphere more eerie.
He hesitated.
Should he go?
Or should he stay?
After a moment of indecision, Mikael cautiously stepped forward.
Then, after glancing around again, he finally picked up his pace.
"I’m not scared. I’m not scared at all."
He repeated the words like a mantra, trying to keep his fear at bay.
Even though he had only taken a few steps, his little heart was pounding as if he had been running for miles.
"I just have to find Mom and—"
Suddenly, Mikael’s eyes widened.
His lips parted like a goldfish gasping for air.
For a split second—
He thought he heard something.
"Did... Did I imagine it?"
His gaze darted around nervously.
No more sounds.
Mikael let out a sigh of relief, his small shoulders relaxing.
And then—
Screeeeeeech—!
His legs {N•o•v•e•l•i•g•h•t} gave out.
Mikael collapsed onto the cold floor.
This time, he knew he hadn’t imagined it.
The sound was too clear.
And far too unnatural.
It sounded like metal being scraped—like an animal howling—like people screaming all at once.
Mikael trembled violently, too terrified to even cry out.
There was nothing around him.
But the noise...
The noise wouldn’t stop.
"Mo-Mommy..."
Mikael forced his shaking hands over his ears.
But it didn’t help.
The sound was still there.
And it was getting closer.
His breath hitched.
He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to bear the fear any longer.
His small body had gone deathly pale.
Then—
"Mikael?"
A familiar voice called out.
But Mikael didn’t hear it.
Tears streamed down his face as he pressed his hands tighter over his ears.
The monstrous sound still echoed in his head.
"Hic... hngh..."
"...Mikael?"
"Aa..."
A warmth touched his shoulder.
Only then did Mikael realize that someone was there.
His tear-filled eyes fluttered open.
And in them—
The reflection of a familiar face appeared.
