December 17, 2020
“Wasn’t it an engagement from long ago? Moreover, that princess didn’t even know who you were.”
“I know that all too well.”
“Does the one who claims to know really look like that?”
“.......”
“Of course, you might feel some pity. After all, you were young back then, and an abused princess could indeed appear pitiable. But that was then, and that’s in the past.”
Had I known it would turn out this way, I would never have taken young Fenril to Neuschwein—but there’s no use regretting it now. Even that is a thing of the past.
“There’s no need to feel guilty. You’ve already done all you could.”
“Done all I could? I don’t really recall having done much at all.”
Though the engagement that came and went fizzled out, my feelings remained unchanged. I even once brimmed with the hope of submitting a marriage proposal when I came of age. But that dream ended with Neuschwein’s downfall. That was all there was to it.
“If I could turn back time, I would never have taken you to Neuschwein.”
“If I could go back, I would have run away with that child instead.”
“That wretched, cheap pity of yours seems to last forever.”
“If I must differentiate, it’s less pity and more like a deep-seated sense of shame.”
I had never formally met the child—only caught glimpses of him while he hid away. And yet, I could never shake the memory. The image of that child, cradled by the ashes and weeping bitterly, became a fragmented scar upon my heart that refused to fade.
“Still, don’t worry too much. I won’t let personal feelings derail our work.”
“You do have a way with words.”
“You chose me over your own brothers because you knew I wouldn’t do that, didn’t you?”
“Who knows? You might even end up slapping me hard on the back of my head.”
“Rest assured, if I truly harbored a desire for revenge against the Duke, I wouldn’t even sit at the negotiation table.”
Fenril shrugged his shoulders lightly. Yet Cher’s expression remained stern—he had seen Fenril unconsciously caress the sword kept close to his chest.
***
“Why are you searching so diligently?”
“There’s something I want to find out.”
“Something you want to know?”
“I hardly know anything about the Empire. So, whenever I have a spare moment, I try to learn as much as I can.”
Even as Alicia answered James, she couldn’t take her eyes off the book before her. Although Cabelenus had promised to provide any information I desired, I found myself unable to fully grasp it. I lacked even the basic general knowledge about the Empire—one had to at least memorize the fundamentals to understand the overall picture.
“And it would be even better if I could learn something about the monsters.”
Alicia hesitantly toyed with an illustration of a monster. If possible, I’d like to free Cabelenus from his shackles—but the power I possess is not for my own sake. I am merely a being who fulfills wishes. Someone must be there to wish for the release of Cabelenus’s bonds.
“......No, in truth, the desire not to die is even stronger.”
My fingertips fidgeted. I didn’t want to hesitate in the worst-case scenario, so I tried not to let any further regrets form. Yet in the end, one more regret took root. Although I couldn’t quite grasp it fully, our changed relationship left behind a lingering sense of regret. Rather than simply sacrificing my life away, I wanted to figure out a way to live—even if it were just one more day. I used to long for death, but now I find myself fearing it.
“If you need anything, just say so. I’ll help. If I review and summarize, we can save some time.”
“No. I’d rather see it with my own eyes. A summary always leaves out something.”
“Then how about organizing the list of books?”
“Even that—I’d prefer to verify it myself, so I’ll just take your word for it.”
“Then—”
“James.”
At last, Alicia turned her head. James met her gaze with a gentle smile.
“Yes, what is it? Need any help?”
“I appreciate it, but there’s no need to go out of your way for me.”
“I just thought you were overdoing it.”
“You’re taking plenty of rest, eating well, and catching enough sleep. There’s nothing wrong.”
Even though Mikael might seem oblivious, he is very sensitive to the mood. Not only could I not show him any sign of struggle, but Cabelenus wouldn’t have allowed it either.
“I appreciate your concern, but you really don’t need to. I’m not a child—I can control my state.”
“......Is there another reason?”
“What?”
“You keep going on about Mikael’s safety, yet I’m starting to have other thoughts.”
James ran a rough hand through his hair. The beautiful face revealed beneath his silver locks was twisted in dismay.
“What other thoughts?”
“Isn’t it an engagement from long ago? And that princess didn’t even know who you were.”
“Yes, I know that well.”
“Does the one who claims to know really have that face?”
“.......”
“Sure, you might feel a bit of pity. After all, you were young then, and an abused princess might seem pitiable. But that was then.”
Had I known it would come to this, I wouldn’t have taken young Fenril to Neuschwein. But there’s no point in regret; that too is long past.
“There’s no need for guilt. You’ve done all you could.”
“But I don’t really recall having done much at all.”
Though the engagement that came and went fizzled out, my feelings remained unchanged. I even looked forward to submitting another proposal when I came of age. Yet that dream was crushed by Neuschwein’s downfall—end of story.
“If only I could turn back time, I’d never have taken you to Neuschwein.”
“If I could go back, I would have fled with that child.”
“That wretched, cheap pity of yours lingers on forever.”
“If I must differentiate, it’s less pity than a sense of deep shame.”
I never formally met the child; I only glimpsed him secretly. Yet I can never forget him—the sight of that child, wrapped in ashes and weeping bitterly, remains etched in my heart like unyielding fragments.
“But don’t worry too much. I won’t let personal feelings derail our work.”
“You do have a way with words.”
“You chose me over your brothers because you knew I wouldn’t do that, didn’t you?”
“Who knows? You might even hit me square on the back of my head.”
“Don’t worry. If I really harbored any vengeful thoughts against the Duke, I wouldn’t even sit at the negotiation table.”
Fenril shrugged lightly, but Cher’s expression stayed grim.
Later, as I sifted through my thoughts and studies, I heard the following exchange:
“What are you searching for so earnestly?”
“There’s something I want to find out.”
“Something you want to know?”
“I hardly know anything about the Empire. So I take every spare moment to learn a little more.”
Alicia replied to James without taking her eyes off her book. Although Cabelenus had promised to provide any information I needed, I couldn’t quite grasp it myself—I lacked even the basic understanding of the Empire. One must know the fundamentals to understand the big picture.
“And if I could learn something about the monsters too, that would be even better.”
Alicia’s hand idly toyed with an illustration of a monster. If I could, I’d free Cabelenus from his shackles—but the power I have isn’t for me. I am merely a being who grants wishes. Someone must be there to wish for Cabelenus’s release.
“......No, in truth, my desire not to die is even stronger.”
My fingertips fidgeted; I refused to let myself hesitate in the worst-case scenario. Still, another regret took root. Though I couldn’t yet fully grasp it, our changed relationship left behind a lingering regret. Rather than simply sacrificing my life, I wanted to find a way to survive—even if it was just one more day. I once longed for death, but now I fear it.
“If you need anything, just say so. I’ll help. I can even summarize it for you to save time.”
“No. I’d rather see it with my own eyes. A summary always misses something.”
“Then how about organizing the list of books?”
“Even that—I’d prefer to check them myself, so I’ll just take your word for it.”
“Then—”
“James.”
At last, Alicia turned her head. James met her gaze with a gentle smile.
“Yes? What’s up? Need any help?”
“Thank you, but there’s really no need to help me.”
“I just thought you were pushing yourself too hard.”
“You’re getting plenty of rest, eating well, and sleeping enough. There’s nothing to worry about.”
Even though Mikael might seem unaware, he’s very sensitive to the mood. I couldn’t show him any signs of struggle—and Cabelenus wouldn’t have allowed it.
“I appreciate your concern, but you really don’t need to. I’m not a child; I can manage my condition.”
“......Is there another reason?”
“What?”
“You keep talking about Mikael’s safety, but now I’m having other thoughts.”
James ran his hand roughly through his hair. The beautiful face beneath his silver strands was contorted with worry.
“What other thoughts?”
This translation is the intellectual property of Novelight.
“You're just using Mikael as an excuse to try and get back together with that person, aren’t you?”
“.......”
“You haven’t forgotten, have you? You’ve kept longing for them. And now, since that person has even accepted Mikael—”
“Enough. If you keep talking, I’m really going to get angry.”
Alicia cut him off firmly. In any case, James was a benefactor to her—she owed much of her ability to stand on her own to his help. She didn’t want to stir up trouble.
“Getting angry means you must be hurt, doesn’t it?”
“Hurt? It’s not me who’s hurt...!”
“Why are you stopping mid-sentence? If you’re going to speak, speak properly.”
“If I speak, we’ll end up fighting.”
Blood vessels stood out on the back of Alicia’s hand.
“Fight? Why? Do you really intend to go after that person—”
“They say that person is married!”
Alicia’s voice broke as she cried out, then she covered her forehead. She had planned to keep that matter quiet, but once the words were out, they couldn’t be taken back.
“You lied to me. You said that person was married.”
“That was just something I heard as a rumor—”
“Was it really only a rumor? Just that?”
“.......”
“It’s not because I’m blind or deaf that I don’t know any better.”
You just pretended not to know, that’s all. Alicia let out a bitter laugh. So busy raising Mikael, she hardly had time to listen to gossip. Most of the news she received came from James, who traveled to the capital.
“After meeting that person and coming to Schwarhan, I learned that what I thought I knew was far different from the truth.”
“Alicia, that’s—”
“I didn’t point it out on purpose. I know you’re not a bad person. I was just ready to let it pass as something done for my sake.”
“.......”
“You only lied to me about that person. You could be seen as having told a well-meaning lie to help me sever my lingering attachment.”
Alicia forced a smile, but in contrast, James’s face twisted.
“Or is it that you just wanted to turn a blind eye to your own feelings? You’re always like that—you know everything, yet you deliberately look away.”
“All I can do for you is that much.”
“And what exactly is that?”
“That you see your sister through me.”
Alicia’s shoulders slumped. Knowing what it felt like to lose someone dear left a bitter taste in her mouth. James’s heart had leaned toward her because they shared the same pain.
“......Your sister?”
“I’m not trying to cast blame. I know how it is—when you lose someone precious, that helpless feeling of being unable to do anything doesn’t vanish easily.”
“.......”
“But I’m not your sister. What you worry about will never come to pass. So—”
“I know! I’ve known for a long time that you’re not my sister!”
James shouted harshly. It was true that he had seen his deceased sister in Alicia, but that was in the past. If he had only seen her as merely a sister, such feelings wouldn’t have arisen.
“I’m not saying you’re my sister...”
James’s eyes trembled. If he said any more, the bond they’d built over time would be shattered. The only reason he had been able to stay by Alicia’s side was because he maintained boundaries.
But...
James’s throat tightened. If he didn’t speak now, it would end just like that—Alicia wouldn’t know what was in his heart, and he would only remain there.
I can do anything, but you—you’re just hesitant, worried you might lose even what we have now.
James closed his eyes tightly. The relationship between Cabelenus and Alicia had hit rock bottom. Cabelenus, having nothing to lose, could act shamelessly. He tried to convince himself of that, but deep down he knew that even in a similar situation, he could never behave that way. And that realization only made his inner turmoil burn hotter. His emotions were uncontrollable. Clang!
At that moment, an unexpected voice broke in. Both turned their heads almost simultaneously. Through the slightly ajar study door, they saw a man hurriedly picking up a brooch. Alicia frowned reflexively. The uninvited guest was a man nearly as tall as Cabelenus. His striking features were accentuated by a short haircut that exposed his broad forehead, and his tanned, brown skin—while somewhat alien—drew the eye immediately.
“I'm sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop or anything...”
Under the barrage of stares, the man offered an awkward smile. Alicia took a short, deep breath and relaxed her expression. Though this was her first encounter with him, she had a rough idea who he was. Though he wore a coat rather sloppily, the clothes visible beneath weren’t from Schwarhan, and above all, his eyes were a deep green.
“You must be a guest of Your Grace.”
“Ah, do you know me?”
“Yes, just a little.”
Alicia gave a slight smile. Though she detected curiosity in his gaze, she had no intention of revealing her identity.
“This area is set apart from the guest quarters, you know.”
Of course, she wasn’t about to pretend she didn’t notice his suspicious behavior. While the study where Alicia resided was open to anyone of noble birth, it wasn’t a place where a stranger would normally be found. There weren’t many reasons for a foreigner to be in a study so far from the rooms.
“My lodgings changed, and I haven’t quite adjusted. I thought that perhaps reading a dull book might help me sleep, so I came to the ~Nоvеl𝕚ght~ study...”
The man trailed off, giving a clumsy smile. It was clear even he knew his excuse didn’t hold much water.
“I really wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. It just seemed like you were having an important conversation, so I tried to slip out quietly and... well...”
“It’s fine. There’s no need to apologize.”
“But it was my mistake.”
“You came looking for a book, and I happened to be here by chance at that time.”
Alicia shook her head lightly. Even if it was suspicious, it wasn’t worth making a fuss over. For now, she was content just having discovered a minor oddity.
“Thank you for saying that.”
The man’s expression brightened immediately, and he smiled warmly.
“You said you were here to look for a book? Please, feel free to browse. The Schwarhan library has so many volumes that it can take quite a while to find the one you want.”
Alicia looked at the man and closed the book she had been reading. Whether he would be friend or foe, one thing was certain: her reading time for today was over.
