Chapter 1076: To Grieve And Mourn
[Reckless. Absolutely reckless.] Cayla lectured the moment Alice woke up.
[What would’ve happened if you didn’t succeed in the merger? What if Nyer didn’t take it easy on you? What if he didn’t get close enough? What if the Doctor found a way to breach the realm and turn it into a two on one?] She continued to ramble, poking Alice’s head each time she made a new point.
Alice was naturally forced to sit on her knees while Alyss watched with her legs crossed.
’She’s not wrong. You didn’t even let me help out with the fight.’ Alyss shook her head.
Both of them tried to call out to Alice, but her rage had blinded her in that moment.
[Are you even reflecting?!] Cayla tapped her heel in annoyance.
Alice, who had her hands raised in surrender, nodded her head.
Massaging her eyes, Cayla let out another sigh.
[Forget it. Lecturing you won’t make you change your ways. It’s not like I can really blame you for how you reacted in the first place.]
Even though she was lecturing Alice, she could also see that the girl wasn’t entirely present in the moment.
Her mind was focused on something else.
Namely, Renna’s death.
Their friendship was... short, to say the least. They met twice, though the first time Renna didn’t know.
The second time, they became close, becoming drinking buddies and even trying to find a way to resolve the Void Realm issue.
And that was exactly what pushed her towards her death.
In Alice’s mind, she was responsible for this. Had she not made the request to Renna, had she not explained the issues with the Void, maybe the Lord would still be alive right now.
But she couldn’t turn back time. She couldn’t undo the mistakes of the past.
What’s done is done, and she had to accept it.
She killed Renna.
Staying silent for a moment, Cayla shook her head.
[Allura is waiting for you. Just make sure you rest properly for a few days since your body was under a lot of stress during the battle.
[Even with your regeneration, you don’t want to push your body beyond its limits too often. Who knows when this regeneration could suddenly stop like that time in the North.]
Glancing up at Cayla, Alice nodded her head slowly before leaving the realm.
Seeing this, both Cayla and Alyss looked at each other and sighed.
’Give her a bit of time. You have to remember that she was already upset by the fact that she had to kill Lilia. And now it’s another friend. Even if Nyer was the one who killed Renna, Alice believes that it’s her fault since she’s the one who asked Renna to investigate.’
Cayla scratched her hair.
[I know. But we don’t exactly have a lot of time to grieve. Not when a bunch of things are happening in the background.]
’I’m aware. But let her grieve properly. It’s better for Alice to fight with a renewed purpose than to fight while still being shackled by self-blame.’ Alyss reminded her.
Pausing for a moment, Cayla let out a fatigued sigh.
With Lilia, the situation was unavoidable. All Alice could do was take revenge against the one who did it to Lilia.
But this?
This time she had power. She had ways of preventing it.
And yet...
Renna died.
There was something she could’ve changed, and it was also her direct intervention that caused Renna to do something that led to her death.
The guilt of this weighed heavily on Alice’s heart.
Blinking her eyes, Alice slowly sat up before wincing from the pain.
Her body might look normal on the surface, but just moving her fingers sent a jolt of pain through her body.
Collapsing back onto the bed, Alice forced herself to look around.
A fancy room that didn’t seem like it belonged to an inn.
The view of the outside was high above the rest of the city.
She had woken up in one of the rooms inside the tower.
And to her right, Allura was sitting in a chair with her legs crossed.
With Alice now waking up, she reached for an apple and started peeling it.
"That was quite something, don’t you agree?" Allura smiled.
What should’ve been an average day was interrupted by Theron. Then, when Gin summoned the Reaper, Nyer and the others arrived, throwing the entire situation into chaos.
"Mnm..." Alice nodded slowly. She looked up at the ceiling, a mix of fatigue and helplessness overwhelming her mind.
"What do you think I’ll tell you?" Allura asked with a soft chuckle.
She placed the peeled apple pieces next to her and gestured for Alice to open her mouth.
"I’m... not sure." Alice shook her head.
She didn’t know if Allura was going to reassure her or something else. There was no guarantee that they were even concerned about the same things.
What if she wanted to ask about the Doctor’s immortality rather than Renna? Or was she going to ask about her recklessness when fighting Nyer?
"Are you not sure because there are many things that went wrong, or are you not sure because you don’t know what you did wrong?"
Alice hesitated. She wasn’t sure what to say when Allura raised a piece of the apple, gesturing for her to eat.
Accepting it, Alice thought about it for a moment before answering.
"Because there’s a lot of things that went wrong. Not just in this battle."
"I see... And what exactly is bothering you? There are a lot of things that went wrong, but there are some which are more impactful than others. Take your time, there’s no right or wrong." Allura fed Alice another piece of apple.
What were her most impactful mistakes?
"I lost my cool and ignored Cayla and Alyss during the fight." Alice mumbled.
"That’s one. Cayla and Alyss are special existences to you. Partly, they can even be called your other selves. Alyss is like a twin sister to you, while Cayla helps you organise things. This balance you keep between yourselves has led you to this point in your life.
"Abandoning it, or in this case, turning deaf to their voices during battle, is akin to denying everything that brought you to this stage. Denying your own efforts and actions." Allura nodded.
"Anything else?"
". . ." Alice clenched her teeth for a moment.
"I got impatient. I tried to force a fight with the Doctor, then tried to force one against Nyer when they were leaving."
"That’s another. There is a time and place for everything. Everything is clear in hindsight. But in the moment, it’s hard to see the full picture. One must always take a step back to observe the situation.
"Understand what the goal is. Know what must be done. Will any conflict arise, and what could possibly go wrong? You have to understand these parts in order to reduce the risks as much as possible." Allura nodded.
"I sent Renna on a dangerous expedition to the Void and caused her death. I wasn’t careful about warning her of the dangers." Alice clenched her fist while glaring at the bed covers.
She saw Allura’s shadow shift as she stood up.
Alice half expected a lecture when a pair of hands gently cupped her face.
Allura carefully lifted Alice’s face so that they were seeing eye to eye.
"I agree that the others were mistakes. They are things you can reflect upon and improve. To change so that you won’t make them again in the future.
"But this? I wouldn’t call it a mistake." Allura replied seriously.
"But... if it’s not a mistake, then what is it?" Alice held back a shout. She knew that Allura was just trying to help, but she couldn’t understand.
How wasn’t this a mistake? It was her request that killed Renna.
HER’S.
This pain lodged itself in her throat, the cry wanting to escape her lips that she held back.
This regret, this bitterness.
What is it if not a mistake on her part?
"That’s simply life. You don’t know when things could go wrong. You don’t know when the world toys with your life without care for what could happen to others. When I received my wound from Famine, would you call that Kaden’s mistake?
"Because he was there and he could’ve helped me?" Allura smiled softly.
Alice opened her mouth, wanting to respond, but...
She saw the situation happen.
She saw the desperation in his eyes as he tried to reach for her, but it was still too late.
"It’s not a mistake, right?" Allura chuckled.
"But that’s because..."
"Because I didn’t die?" Allura interrupted.
Alice didn’t want to finish the sentence, but that was exactly what she had thought.
"Honestly, you and Kaden are exactly the same. If you call me your mother, then I suppose he’s like a father to you. Learning all of his bad habits." Allura chuckled, bopping Alice’s nose gently.
"If I had died, then yes, Kaden would also call it a mistake. He would also beat himself over and over. I mean, just look. I haven’t died yet, and you’ve seen what kind of state that good-for-nothing has ended up in." She huffed before laughing.
"I don’t think it’s a mistake because it’s out of your control. You’ve already done what you can. If you regret, if you don’t think that you’ve done all that you can, take it as a lesson into your heart. Engrave it deep into your mind.
"Know that next time something like this were to happen, you make sure you’ve done everything you can. To leave no regrets. And if things still go wrong..."
Allura closed her eyes before opening them.
Her hand pressed against Alice’s chest, over her heart.
"Do everything you can to change this sh*tty world so that no more accidents like that happen. It’s what Gin and Ria vowed to do.
"If you don’t want another Renna or Lilia incident to happen, change this world to reduce the number of victims. Do what you can to make them proud, to validate their efforts. Don’t let their sacrifice go to waste."
Clenching her fist, Alice closed her eyes and imagined what Renna would’ve said.
Seeing the face of her drinking buddy in her mind, seeing that goofy smile whenever she drank good alcohol...
It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to mourn. But what’s not okay is letting their sacrifice go to waste.
And it was then that Alice understood.
Honouring Renna shouldn’t be filled with sadness. It should be raising a glass to the sky in her memory.
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