Have you ever experienced a feeling where you feel like someone is tearing your heart apart? Like there is so much agony that you would want to just shut yourself away.
But what happens when along with your heart, your mind is also giving up on you? Is it any less painful? Well, let me tell you... No!
The mind is a sensible part of us. Whenever we go through the agony of heartbreak, our mind would find ways to cheer us up. To simply glue our pieces together. Just to prepare us for the next heartbreak.
As Oscar Wilde once said, ’The heart was made to be broken.’
But when that mind gives up on us... What can a person do?
Because as far as we were told, our mind was supposed to keep us from falling.
The anguish in Xu Mey was far worse than one could describe in words. She didn’t even know whether to laugh or cry?
The biggest happiness of her life and the worst trauma of her life, both had knocked on her door on the same day.
Was she supposed to laugh because she was going to become a mother? The greatest gift a woman could ask for.
Or was she supposed to cry because her husband was fighting his battle with death?
She didn’t know the answer when she stood up from the cold marble floor of the hospital corridor. In a robotic manner, she lifted her numb but heavy feet one step at a time to walk towards her Ah-Jie’s room.
With each step, she felt her foot getting heavier as if she wouldn’t be able to bear this burden anymore. As she slid open the door of the room beside her own, her hand on the cold metal handle trembled.
She didn’t give up. Something inside was urging her to take a step ahead. Her heart was yearning to see her Ah-Jie. No matter how difficult it was, she had to see him at all costs.
But it didn’t matter how much of strength she could muster up. Nothing could have prepared her for the sight before her eyes.
In the silent room, only the beeps of the machines could be heard. The room was spacious but lacked a touch of warmth just like her soul that felt cold and chilly. The walls were of a simple cream color. There were flowers, beautiful painting on the wall, leather chairs and a plasma screen tv on the wall.
Even the bed looked comfortable but the person lying on it didn’t look comfortable at all with those IV’s, heart monitors, and oxygen tanks attached to his body.
She looked at his sallow face and it took her a moment to recognize him. The person who always had a celestial aura around him was looking deathly pale. It shook her heart violently.
There was a small frown etched between his brows as if he was going through an indescribable pain. Xu Mey lifted her hand intending to press down that frown but the tremors in her hand didn’t let her.
Watching those plasters on his leg and bandages around his head and chest, Xu Mey who was trying to hold onto her tears, gave up.
It wasn’t just crying anymore, it was a desolate sobbing of a person who had lost all hope. Her knees buckled and she sank to her knees on the marble floor with a thud; not even caring about the pain that shot up her body.
She wanted to wail as the pain flowing in her was palpable. But when she opened her mouth to scream nothing came out. Not a single sound could escape from her mouth. All she could was shed tears silently and hopelessly.
Her breathing was ragged, she was gasping from all the crying but she couldn’t stop. She just couldn’t stop!
The mind that had shut itself down a while ago chose this very moment to break down her self-restraint and strength; whatever was left of it anyway.
’See you at home, dear wife.’ His low husky voice rang in her mind at the memory. It was their first official phone call after the wedding. For the first time, someone made her realize that she now had a home to go back to.
Then her own distant voice came, ’Can you stop calling me ’dear wife’?’ She had asked while groaning. ’Sure.’ His voice came only to make her cheeks blush even more as he added, ’My cherry wife.’
Then as if she went back in memory to remember his warm embrace as he whispered, ’I’ve missed you!’ only to realize there was no warmth left around her.
’I love you, baby!’ These were the words she had heard before everything felt apart. Before her world went into the chaos of silence, she thought she heard something but only now, she remembered those words. Xu Mey curled up her body and finally let out a scream. It wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t just take it anymore. The pent-up pain was killing her slowly.
Caressing her tummy, she whispered, "I’m sorry, baby! I can’t smile for you. How can I when my love... my life... my husband... my everything is fighting for his life?"
She felt really sorry and guilty but for her, all that mattered was Jie. The man who was closing his eyes as if he was upset with her. And this thought alone was enough to crush her even more.
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