Chapter 8: Chapter 8: I Want To Be Strong
I opened the black door leading to my room, and somehow the strange sense of excitement and weird state slowly faded from my head.
It felt like shit—how embarrassing speaking to the beautiful lady at the item shop and not realising how insane I must have sounded talking about a handsome guy on the floor...
[...]
[Did you need to check?]
I could have ignored it as some psychotic episode, but even the damn fly with a big ass is real.
Nice ass, though, fairy.
[I...]
Oh? Did you want to get mad, but my charming counter made you fall for me!?
[Die!]
Ah... so sad, my rabbit heart cannot take this hatred! Toh!
My hands grasped the rotten clothes of my body, tossing them out of the window, hoping that a kind breeze would blow, taking them into the distance to live a new life with a new man!
[Do you know you are broken?]
[Missing a key part every human should have?]
Here comes the fairy counselling that will help ease the pain of lusting for my mother for 10 years! Please help miss fairy.
Since I started getting erections, they were always for my mother's shapely ass!
[...]
[What about mine?]
"..."
[Can it not help distract you?]
[Look!]
And there it was, my life at rock bottom.
A fairy smaller than my little brother was now showing me her ass—what could I do with that? Poke it with a pencil and see if she has a hymen.
[!!!]
Somehow coming to the dungeon seemed to have unleashed something that slept deep inside my mind, and even now, as I think and speak can tell something is wrong.
That dark, violent, aggressive side that showed in battle, as if to make up for that, my mind and psyche are trying to make jokes and light of things...
[It's okay.]
[You are but human—the Ratmen you killed today were infinitely close to a human...]
[If you want to cry, tremble and deal with that.]
[I will listen and make sure nobody else can.]
"..."
[...]
I decided to stop pissing around, flicking the fairy in the image of that cute goddess off my shoulder.
And I entered the bathroom alone.
The feeling of cutting their throats and the sensation of their bones and skulls caving in when I lost control constantly repeated in my mind, a throbbing pain shooting from my spine to the back of my head as nausea and stomach cramps began to assault me.
"Uehhh...Ueeeeeeehhh!" I am pathetic...
A burning pain assaulted my throat as the chunky vegetables I ate earlier today began to floor the toilet bowl.
I felt tears build in my eyes as the contractions in my stomach were unrelenting and didn't care for my pain or feelings.
How long did I vomit and feel this unbearable pain?
Somehow my body managed to pull itself from the ground, my hands and knees filthy with the creation of my regret and weakness.
"Haa... How pathetic..."
"Why are you being so effeminate, Rai..."
The feelings of denial, self-loathing and delusion assaulted my mind as I desperately tried to stop vomiting.
Psssh!
I twisted the valve for the shower, a burst of steaming hot water raining down into the basin as I stood inside, hoping this water carried even the smallest bit of divinity to wash away my sin and embarrassment.
The loud water cascading onto my body caused a thick, steamy fog to fill the small shower room.
My mind began to flow back to the battle's events; with each repetition, I felt the guilt and sense of disgust and nausea fade.
How much bile did I spew into the shower drains?
Only the gentle goddess who began humming a soft song when my tears began to fall knows.
From here, time felt like it became blurry as hours passed.
Finally, the feelings of regret and self-hatred were gone and replaced by the thoughts of how I could have killed them more efficiently or what I should have done instead of wasting time.
I am not some shounen hero from the books I used to read on my friend's desk.
Now I stood over the dirty sink, my hands leaning on the basin with my eyes looking at the person I somehow became.
"Hello, Rai," I spoke to my reflection, maybe a sign of how bad my mental state was at the best of times.
"Thank you for all the hard work." For some reason, it felt like saying goodbye to myself—it caused me to feel pain in my chest.
But me in the mirror, handsome, chiselled face and chin, beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair without any scars or wounds.
A handsome gangster rather than a hero is all I saw.
That reflection smiled at my words, like something inside myself clicked when I acknowledged it.
My mind began to remember the words of the goddess Eternia. How did I know it was her? Because I enjoyed the feel of her tits, identical to the small fairies!
Acting dumb is far better than being a naive and dense man.
[Do you know you are broken?]
[Missing a key part every human should have?]
I know I am broken, not just the feelings towards my family but the sense of distance from others, the fact I cannot understand why they cry or get angry...
It's not that I want to feel this way, but I cannot change who I am.
This is me.
And I like me.
If I truly miss a key part every human should have, why don't I steal it?
[Do you like my gift?]
The fairy entered with a prideful face—somehow, it seemed like she was peeking at me. I knew this fairy was a pervert.
Let it be known if I go missing, the culprit is her.
She's the culprit, and I'll be locked away in some sex dungeon somewhere, being used to satisfy her sadistic needs!
[I am a virgin!]
"I'm not."
[Who cares!]
"Tsk.."
[Hmph!]
Somehow, she helped my mind stabilise—speaking with her made me focus on the task.
That was, I needed to get stronger, more than now.
I desired to become strong enough to protect my loved ones from all danger, whether in this world or my home world.
This is not enough.
So I will fight and kill!
Because otherwise, I will lose everything that I hold dear.
"Nia, go get my spare clothes," I asked the voyeur fairy.
However, she just looked at me with a dumb face, only pointing to herself and looking all strange and excited before fluttering to the other room.
Strange woman...
But the shower helped...
I felt like my sins and dirty deeds were washed down the drain with the disgusting sludge that I vomited.
But alas, I want to be strong.
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