Compared to the last time they spent together by a fire pit, Harker and Joan barely exchanged any words with each other.
But it didn't feel awkward. In fact, to Harker, it felt rather comforting.
Just being in the presence of each other, not needing to break the silence with empty words. Eventually, exhaustion had come to Joan and she prepared her bedding. Harker watched her calm movements and the neutral expression in her face as she did it.
He tested the waters and moved closer. She did not make any abrupt reactions. So far, so good.
But she never gave permission to sleep beside each other yet either.
Harker thought maybe it wasn't clear to her what it meant. Sleeping by her side could have meant just sleeping inside the cave. Sleeping by her side could be sleeping 1 meter apart. But what he meant by that was of course….
To sleep right next to each other, skin to skin.
They didn't even have to be embracing or anything intimate like that. He just wanted to feel her, to be trusted enough to sleep with their shoulders brushing against each other, or their backs facing each other.
That would be enough, he thought.
But since Joan just went to sleep without saying anything, he was left with the decision on how close he should be sleeping next to her.
For her safety, they should be as far apart as possible. But for Harker's desire, he wanted to be as close to her as possible.
Security or desire. Rules or instinct. Superego or Id. Those were the two forces that always brought conflict between man and other forces, and of course, with himself.
Joan suddenly spoke.
"When do you plan to sleep, if you ever want to? You can't stay awake forever."
Harker smiled sheepishly. "Well….. I do want to try and sleep right now. But I know it's….. The curse and…."
She turned to him. "I can't sleep either without you."
Harker gulped. Without him?
Her eyes say it all, commanding him to get to 'bed' and give up his inhibitions. And Harker was compelled to do just that. He laid next to the woman, faces a few inches apart. Yet there was no desire in him to move closer or to eat her.
Somehow, the curse was momentarily gone from the other force that's pervading his mind.
That four letter word was something quite powerful, he realized now. It can make mothers push up cars to save their children from a crash. It can make heroes fall onto their knees, it can make changes to a community when a leader loves its people very much. And even curses…..
Can turn into blessings with its power.
We may have only one heart, but we have always loved many in our lives. Harker knows that acknowledging what he feels towards Joan doesn't necessarily mean that he lost what he had with Mina. It was still as strong as ever, and he yearns for her each day.
But he also yearned for someone so close yet feels so far.
That abyss in her eyes gazing back at him. It was an endless spiral of sorrow, despair, and years upon years of solitude. He found himself being sucked in by that abyss, and he too has shared those feelings.
By missing Mina, he had come to understand Joan better. Because now he had walked a mile in her shoes.
"It haunts you." Harker spoke while they're locked into this long staring contest.
Joan doesn't blink. "What do you mean?"
"Your past with him." Harker said softly. "It haunts you until now. That's why even if I....I can't accept your love."
Joan finally breaks eye contact, and takes a deep breath.
"I'll learn to do it someday. Move on. Just… Just wait for me. Please."
Harker nodded lightly. He closed his eyes for a while to try and sleep…..
And he felt it.
The air that escaped her lips lingered on after she did it. It was a very light sensation, and yet it had much effect as a third degree burn. But the passions of it did not pass over physiologically for Harker. It wasn't a kiss meant to ignite something from the body, but something from the mind and heart instead.
This kiss was a seal, a promise. And he must respect that promise.
They slept after that, their breaths mingling between the gaps. Their fingers locked together.
And as they went down to their slumber peacefully, Harker had another dream.
This dream felt different from the rest. It didn't feel like watching an event from a movie, just as it usually does. It didn't feel like Harker was experiencing everything first-hand either.
Instead, it felt like he was inside someone else's head.
And even without a mirror, he could tell that someone was Joan. He was somehow inside Joan's brain, and could not only see what she sees, but feel how she feels. He should be wearing those eyes that hid the abyss.
But right now, it didn't feel that way.
Instead, he felt so light that he could float. As if the stars themselves shone brightly behind her eyes, not a black hole.
These stars were just new born, fresh from an explosion that happened the moment she laid eyes on a young man handing candies and treats to homeless children on the streets.
"Now, now! One at a time, one a time! Fellas, I'm serious. We only have limited amounts because of the delay on the trip, but— Hey, you're not so slick, Gunter. I caught that. Give it back, we need to share with each other—"
He suddenly stopped when he felt someone looking at him. He turned back, and wore a cheeky little smile.
"Why, lovely morning for a lovely lady to be around. But not around these parts." He tipped his hat at her.
It was a black japanned leather hat with a red belt and a buckle. It covered half of his face. He wore clothes quite common to see in navy captains and privateers. But he had the rugged looks and demeanor of a common ruffian in the back alleys that will cut you with a knife just for a few pennies.
He crossed his arms, wearing a smile and yet it was clear that he was rather suspicious. "What are you doing here, and does your mother know a lady such as yourself came here?"
Harker could feel the mix of both apprehension and fascination Joan had towards this stranger. She said:
"As a matter of fact, yes. May I ask if your mother knows you are here, then?"
The man laughed, and it was difficult to tell whether it was genuine or not. He took off his hat, and massaged the brim with his fingers.
"As a matter of fact, I do not have one. Not anymore. Caught the lung disease, and the Master she served found her expendable enough to not call a physician. So I suppose she does know, if she is truly watching from the heavens above."
Joan felt sheepish even though she was just returning the favor of being snarky with this man. "Oh… That's awful. My apologies."
The man just shrugged. "No need. You are not the one who cursed her with the affliction now, are you?"
Harker's breath hitched when he saw Edmund's face clearly.
This man really was the splitting image of him. Down to the last detail.
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